Holidays 2013

It's been awhile since I posted.  To be honest, I don't have a good excuse.  I've had a lot going through my head and a lot to say, but just not sure why I didn't come here...part of it is probably because I wasn't sure how to say any of it...part of it because I probably shouldn't.

Day 17: Time

There are no words for the length of time I have been missing my baby boys....just that I've been missing them for too long and know that I will continue to miss them.  Each day is a day further from their sweet, sensitive little bodies...but a step closer to someday getting to hold my babies again...

Day 16: Seasons

My favorite season is by far fall.  I definitely enjoy all the seasons, but fall is the best, in my opinion.  Summer gets too hot, spring is all muddy, and winter is way too long (and too cold sometimes, too!).  Fall, the temperatures are perfect.  Pumpkins and apples are fresh and yummy!  The leaves are changing and it is beautiful all around me.  Living in the Northeast with four different seasons is definitely a plus.  Besides, we have some of the prettiest foliage!

Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving.  I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home.  We love cooking and spending time with our families.  The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :)  Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.

I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket.  Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting.  I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing.  The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees.  It is also the season my boys were born in.  It is bittersweet.  I missed last fall in my haze of depression.  This year, I got to enjoy it.  Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.

Change.  It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much.  Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives.  It is both painful and refreshing.  Change is hard though.  I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave.  For me change is also a fresh start.  A way to start new and move forward.  A reminder to move forward.  Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.

Day 15: Wave of Light

I was so impressed by all the friends that honored my and other babies yesterday as part of the Wave of Light.  It melts my hear that people would remember my boys but breaks it at the same time that so many other people know that hurt.  I saw so many candles lit on my newsfeed and not just for my boys.

I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday.  I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day.  I'm not sure anyone would know.  And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones.  But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys.  I can't explain it, but it was hard.  Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too.  I don't know.

But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night.  I cried for them and missed them.  But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will.  Unconditional.

Day 14: Family

What does my family look like?

Well, there's the two of us and the dog.  Penny might as well be our child.  She basically is the baby of the family.  I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore.  But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)

We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats.  They're pretty central to our home, too.  Our mousers and cuddlers.  Then there's our ferrets.  Our first babies.  Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.

All of our animals make up our family in our home.  But our boys, they are the center of our world still.  Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often.  They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home.  Not a day will go by that they aren't.

When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew.  I will make sure of it.  And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family.  No future child replaces those two boys.  Ever.  They will forever be the first babies in our family.

I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family.  Eventually it will grow again.  Not sure when, but it will.  Somehow, some way.  I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me.  And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is.  IVF, adoption, anything it takes....

Day 12: Article and Day 13: Book

I figured these two went together pretty well, so why not post together.  Both are in regards to reading that helped in my grief journey.

I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career.  I think they are interesting and extremely educational.  When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome.  The article itself also resonated

http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/

The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable.  As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died.  I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable.  But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am.  Every second.  Every day.  365 days a year.

What's worse is people no longer talk to me.  They don't know how.  So they just don't.  That's worse.  It's the worst thing.  And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with.  Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them.  But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere.  So for those that are still here.  Thank you and I love you.

Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it.  I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.

Books have been another release.  I actually have a hard time reading fiction now.  I've just not really been into reading at all.  So I turn to non-fiction.  Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books.  Books on my PCOS and health.  Books on adoption and raising adopted kids.  And grief books.

My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165).  Even Cam read it.  I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it.  And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss.  And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too.  I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well.  I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.

Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot.  Message boards have been another help.  Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories.  But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels.  That has been my biggest support.  Other moms who know what it's like.

Day 11: Triggers

I took a day off from blog posts and now I'm going to catch up today.  Today's topic...triggers...man, there are so many.  Really, for me it is anything that triggers memories of the NICU.

It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies.  It is seeing babies hooked up to machines.  It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through.  It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies.  It hurts.  It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky.  That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.

It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys.  Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now.  It makes me miss them.  It makes me realize that I will never have that.  I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea.  And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts.  I'm so disappointed.  And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.

It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen.  Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again.  And if that never works?  We can only do adoption once.  And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future?  It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.

It is the smell of hand sanitizer.  That is probably one of the worst.  And going back to the hospital.  Yeah, that smell is there.  And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that.  It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.

It is going to that end of the hospital.  Even if not on the same floor.  Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me.  I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms.  I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there.  I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.

Triggers...they are exhausting.  Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown.  When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment.  So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door.  And I just plow through the day and move forward.  They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down.  I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away.  I don't know that they ever will.  I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.

Day 10: Beliefs

This is a hard topic.  I know I'm going to offend or have people tell me that they think this or that.  So let me preface this post by saying, it's okay if you don't agree with me.  It's okay if you believe something different.  BUT please don't discount what I believe and feel.

For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic.  I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god.  I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother.  That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged.  I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early.  Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong.  There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms.  There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.

What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again.  I have to believe that.  It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again.  So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.

I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can.  I can still feel sad.  I can still feel guilty.  I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected.  But I will also protect my family and friends.  First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children.  I deserve it and they deserve it.  They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them.  Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.

Day 9: Music

There are many songs that bring up different memories.  For instance, "Pontoon" makes me think of the first time I could drive after the boys were born (thank you c-section).  It was my favorite song on the radio at the time and was the first song that came on the first time I got back behind the wheel.  Or "Every Storm Runs out of Rain" which I posted as my music in Capture Your Grief last year because it was on ALL the time and just always made me think of the tears that kept coming.

This song, Miranda Lambert's "Over You" was a song that became popular as I got really close to another loss momma who has become one of my closest friends.  The one I can't go very many days without talking to because she means so much to me.  The two of us went to Miranda's concert in February and both of us cried with Miranda as she sang this song.  It is so true...I'll never be over my babies.  NEVER.  And anyone who expects me to be is lying to themselves and will eventually realize that if you push it, I am going to shut you out.  I will never be over it or over my children.

Day 8: Color

I don't know at which point each of our boys got their "color."  It just seemed to happen that Sammy always had blue and Andy always had green. But really, I think that came after they had already passed away. Perhaps my way of having a special color to distinguish them as two unique little boys. Everything I have created for them has used this color distinction and it just seems to stick.  Typically blue is what I use in most circumstances given their birthstone is a sapphire though. How fitting it is that that is the case. Their urns are blue and I wear a sapphire ring as my mothers ring. It's all just become such a natural habit...

Day 7: You Now

I'm not sure I could say that I'm grieving less...or feel better...or that life is great.  What I can say is that I've learned to appreciate life so much more.  To count my blessings and see the positive in every day.  But I still have bad days.  I still often cry.  Triggers still bring me to my knees...and there are so many triggers.  I try to face my fears, but sometimes even that is debilitating.  I feel drained after...like I've run a marathon.  I could sleep for hours those days.

And lately, I'm back to my coping mechanism...my knitting and crocheting.  I have to say, that was what got me through my days after the boys.  It was the only thing that distracted me enough to not breakdown every second of every day.  And I see the stress and frustration in myself as I am back into that pattern.  Where I'd rather sit at home and watch a movie and knit or crochet than to go out and visit friends or do anything else.  I always really have been a homebody...but I feel so much more inclined to stay home again.  It's not that I don't want to see friends, but I just don't feel the energy to go out and see people.  I don't know whether that's work related (it's been busy lately), or if it's the fact that now that I've hit the first year marks that I'm still circling...like before I hit the one year marks, I had something to look toward...hitting that...and now what?  IVF? Adoption?  Because neither of those induce stress or anxiety (insert sarcasm).

All I know is that I definitely do have more strong days than weak ones.  More days where I can feel myself smile rather than cry.  But it's still this battle every day not to cry.  Not to break down.  I still struggle seeing women pregnant.  Hearing pregnancy announcements.  Half the time I just want to scream.  Other times I just want to shake those women and say, pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but I think it's SO private.  It is wonderful, and believe me, I will be one of the first to say it will be hard not to yell it from the rooftops when I am pregnant again...but it hurts...and so many people don't understand how to be sensitive about it.  Whether that's around someone who has problems with fertility or someone who has lost a child.  Either way, it is SO important to know that others are fighting their battles and you don't know who is fighting one for what reasons.  Everyone has their own.  I just wish more people would understand that as excited as you are about your pregnancy, the person next to you may be wondering "why not me?" or "will that ever be me?"  And strangely...as I've said before...I struggle SO much more with pregnancy than I do with babies...and that's probably the biggest thing that has not changed.  People just don't appreciate the miracle of it.  *sigh*

So I guess I still have a lot of resentment and frustration.  And that's my weakness.  My biggest weakness.  I don't even know how to cope with it.  I've done the best I can and I really do keep my mouth shut about a lot of the things I'd like to say to people.  I guess that's my way of coping...to just bottle it in so as not to hurt people with my true thoughts.

Positive changes?  I've lost a lot more weight.  Made positive diet and exercise changes.  Been so much more active.  Weeded through the people in my life and chosen to keep in touch with those who can be as much my friend as I can be for them.  Eliminated the ones who make me feel worse rather than better.  And changed jobs to a place that I love going to work every day.  Where I feel challenged.  A job that will be the right fit when we do have a family.  I just know that so many things have happened that are good, too.  My life isn't all bad.  I just feel like I have had more challenges than most.  Someday, maybe, something in my life will come easy like it seems to for all the other lucky people in the world.  Someday I will feel like I am 100% fulfilled.  But until I get to hold, love, and raise my own child in this world, I know I won't be fulfilled.  I'm still searching for that one missing piece...honestly, I feel like that is ALL that is missing in my life at this point...though I know I will always miss my boys, I don't feel like I will be searching once I have that child in my arms...

Day 6: Rituals

I wasn't really sure what to write for today's post.  I was thinking about how we honor our boys.  Then I realized I have a lot of rituals.

Like the fact that when I'm stressed, nervous, or upset, I rub my necklace.  The necklace I wear every day with the boys' ashes in it.  I only take it off to shower.  And if I don't remember it, I feel off all day.  When I traveled not too long ago (flying), I was scared to take it...scared it could get confiscated or that I'd lose it.  I felt SO lost my entire vacation...like I was constantly forgetting something.  Almost as bad as feeling like I'd left my children at home...which I guess I had, in a way.

But probably the two biggest rituals in our house...Christmas ornaments.  It was what I had wanted to do for my boys before they were born...they would each get a Christmas ornament each year so that when they grew up and left home, they would have a personal collection to take with them.  So I haven't given up on that.  I bought two beautiful ornaments for them for their first Christmas.  I couldn't bring myself to buy the "baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, but I bought ones with their stats on them.  And I've already bought beautiful ornaments with their names for this Christmas.  Eventually I think they may need their own tree...and that's okay!  Whatever it takes.

The other ritual is the boys' birthday.  I plan on doing something special...releasing something special every year.  This year we did the lanterns.  Next year, hopefully we'll have a baby and can all do balloons.  And maybe butterflies some year.  I don't know.  Just something fun each year.  A ritual of celebrating their birthday and honoring them in some way.  We spent a lot of time at home this year on their birthday, but I'd really like to start a ritual of going somewhere or doing something else special, too.  Like hiking somewhere every year to release the balloons or butterflies or something.  I don't know.  Or family photos every September 3.  I'm still working on ideas.  I know I struggle with deciding on the best ways to honor my boys still.  I just feel like nothing will ever be good enough...still struggling with that...just as I struggled to pick their urns...to bring them home...it just became instinctual eventually.  I hope that will happen again when it comes to all this.

Day 5: Memories

I'm not sure that anything speaks more than these two pictures.  This is one day I need two pictures.  One for each of my babies.  And coincidentally the best memory I have of both of them is the first time I got to hold each of them.

With Andrew, the first time I got to hold him was also the last.  I remember watching doctors and nurses trying so hard to keep him alive and I knew it was no use and all I could think was how badly I wanted to just hold my son.  To make sure that he could feel my presence before his spirit left...so that he knew how much I loved him and how badly it was going to hurt when he was gone.  The feeling when the nurse handed him to me for the first time...I have never felt more like a mother than in that moment.  Holding my son, crying, and telling him over and over again how much I loved him.  Somehow I think I needed that to get through the following weeks watching Samuel struggle and to be able to let him go, too.  Maybe that's the best memory Andrew could have given me.  Strength.  I think Andrew gave me strength and a will to fight for his brother.

Holding Samuel for the first time was so different.  He was warm, breathing.  His heart was beating.  And it felt refreshing.  To hold a living baby.  My baby.  It was also why it was so important.  To show me that there was hope.  That maybe I would be bringing home a living, breathing baby.  Unfortunately I was not that lucky, but this picture marked the first FAMILY picture of us with our little boy that we thought would be coming home with us.  I am forever grateful to our nurse for taking it because it marks such a happy moment.  And she knew how badly I needed to hold him, too.  So that I could have hope that he would be okay.  That he would make it.  I loved ever moment stroking his sensitive, beautiful, soft skin.  Feeling his heart beat and hands and feet move against my body as I had when I was pregnant.  It was a pure miracle holding him.  Knowing I made him and he was so perfect and tiny.  If only holding him had been enough.

There are so many memories...but holding my babies are by far the best moments of my life.

Day 4: Legacy

I like to think that Cam and I are our boys legacy.  That the people we have become...the things we do.  Those represent our boys.  For me, I feel as though I have become a better version of me.  That I have learned how to live and let go.  How to move on and live my life.  And give back.

Our March of Dimes team in May was proof of our ability to give back and our boys legacy.  How many people showed up to support us and Kristy and Mark.  That's Samuel's & Andrew's legacy.  They will live on through the deeds we do.

And now...the fact that we want to start a charity to help couples struggling with infertility after loss.  That will be another part of their legacy.  Because I refuse to let my sons' names go down in history without a legacy.  Because my husband and I will never stop saying their names.  That is how they will continue to live on in life.  Through us.  Through the life that we live.

Day 3: Myths

Today's topic is myths...how do you take a picture and capture that?  I chose a bridge...because there's there's this belief that when you get to 1 year, when you have another, when you go out for the first time.  So many things people think will make this journey easier.

A year ago when I was participating in this project, I was only a few weeks out...I didn't know that getting to one year wouldn't make it easier.  I had this idealistic thought that if I could just make it to one year.  That if I could just have another baby.  It would be easier.  That's a lie.  It's what we tell ourselves, I think, to get through the first year, but it's a lie.  A year doesn't make it easier.

The same myths exist around infertility.  That if you just get pregnant, it will get easier.  The fear will go away because you've overcome that hurdle.  Nope.  I was scared my entire pregnancy.  And now I will be doubly as scared during my next pregnancy until that baby is home...and even then, I'm sure I'll continue to be scared and worried about my baby every day of his or her life.

But the truth is...when I do finally bring that baby home, I know that it will be a new set of challenges.  It won't be easier, it will just be different.  You learn to accommodate your life to this new set of normals.  A life where two of your children are in heaven and you continue dealing with the infertility stuff.  A life where your living children learn that they have angel brothers, not two big brothers that are here to harass them.  A new life.  A different life.  Not an easier life...but a different one.

Capture Your Grief: Day 2: Identity

The picture above represents the two stuffed animals I purchased for my boys. Never could I have picked better animals to represent the completely different personalities of my boys even before I knew them.

Samuel, born first, my little monkey. Even before he was born, he was doing somersaults and kicking my bladder. Punching and kicking his brother. And after he was born, he would throw his arms and feet around. And he was feisty. A true fighter. Born at 1lb, 6oz and 12.5" long, he was a lot of little boy packed into a tiny little body. He looked just like his daddy, cow licks and all. Never could any little boy look more like my husband. There was no doubt in my mind they were related. I have memorized every feature of him over and over, hoping I will never forget a thing. His name...Samuel Earl. His daddy picked his first name a long time ago and it also happens to be Cam's great grandfathers name. His middle name a strong family name on both sides of our family. 

There was never a calmer, more peaceful little boy than my Andrew. He definitely did not want to be born as early as he was. He fought his way out, but he was so calm. A true little lamb. Never too wiggly and so peaceful. I didn't get to know his personality nearly as we'll as Samuel, but he was truly a cute little boy. I like to think he looked much more like me than his daddy. But his eyes never opened. The only personality I learned was his personality while he was inside me. Born smaller than his brother at 1lb 2oz and 10.75", he definitely had a lot to make up. 4oz doesn't seem like a lot and really holding them I didn't notice the difference. What I did notice was the difference in how sick they were. Andrew was just so sick. I think that's a lot of the reason he was so calm. I would love to know if he would have ended up being my wild child eventually, but I will never know. His name didn't come as easily as his brother. Originally he was supposed to be Adam, but we changed our minds and brainstormed names for quite a few nights before coming up with Andrew. But now I know there was no better name for my little boy. His middle name, Thomas, also did not come as easily. We picked it just days before the boys were born. But it fits. His uncle has the same middle name and it is his grandfathers first name. The name just rolls off the tongue perfectly. 

My boys, their names, their identities, are perfect to me and nothing and no one will ever replace them. Their names and remembering them bring tears to my eyes every time. Nothing is greater than your mommy's and daddy's love for you, Samuel and Andrew.

Capture Your Grief: Day 1:Sunrise

Today marks the beginning of Child and Infant Loss Awareness Month. CarlyMarie created the Capture Your Grief project to help remember our little ones in this month as well as help us brought our grief. Today's topic was Sunrise to mark the beginning of the project. 

This morning was not really a great morning for a sunrise. It was extremely foggy. But I tried. I got out of bed for a few minutes at 7 this morning to snap this photo. I'm sick today. I don't think I've felt this crappy in a long, long time. But for once its physically not emotionally. Though the sun coming up every day is still a reminder to me that it's coming up on a world without my sons. A world where I am one day further from holding them in my arms. Another day away from missing them. Another day where I hold them in my heart not my arms. 

But I have learned to live. To know how to cope in this new normal. That's not to say that every day is perfect, but I survive. I survive because I have hope that one day, the sun will rise on the day I get to hold my boys again. That they will have siblings that I can cuddle and love and raise into beautiful members of society. Someday the sun will rise on a happy day with my family reunited. 

The Firsts

Today is September 25.  It's the last "first" with our boys.  The day we said goodbye to Sammy.  The day I held my little boy while he took his last breath...while his heart beat for nearly 20 minutes after he stopped breathing.  My miracle baby who held on long enough to make me actually feel like a mom...if even for just 3 short weeks.

Bringing it all back

This weekend, while I was celebrating my best friends' wedding, some of my good childhood friends were going through what Cam and I went through last year.  A scary delivery, a NICU stay, and losing their son.  It brings back so much hurt....knowing that someone I knew before, not because of, my loss is dealing with the same things.

Discouraged

There is no better word to describe how I feel right now.  For those who we did not share this with, we have been waiting for the past 4 weeks to hear whether a birth mother who was shown our profile chose us.  We were contacted by our agency for the FIRST time in 6 months with an opportunity.  The birth mom seemed like a great match and we had our profile shown to her.

Happy 1st Birthday, Samuel & Andrew

Dear Samuel & Andrew,

As we approach 1 year

I know I haven't posted a lot lately...and I know I meant to.  It's been hard.  This past week...everything about it is a reminder.  We're hitting 1 year of everything.  1 year ago Monday I was in the hospital the first time. 1 year ago tomorrow (Friday), I was admitted to the hospital with a strong likelihood of delivery.  And 1 year ago Tuesday, my world was turned upside down.

Pay-It-Forward

I'm taking an idea from a good friend of mine over at One Day At a Time.  She used this idea to celebrate her angel, Avery's first birthday, and I thought it was a great idea.  In honor of Samuel's and Andrew's first birthday, I want to encourage everyone to pay-it-forward with a random act of kindness.  Do something nice for someone you don't know.  Pay for the coffee of the person behind you at the drive-thru.  Leave an extra big tip for the waitress next time you go out to eat.  Offer to help someone behind you in line carry groceries to their car.  Donate to a local charity.  Write a letter to a soldier.  Be a foster parent for a dog or cat at a rescue agency.

If you are having a brain cramp and want some ideas, check out my Pinterest Board.

The only thing that I ask when you do this is that you please include this card or leave a note that includes this information.  If you need an original to print (it should print 4x6), please feel free to e-mail me by clicking my name/contact info.

 

Thank you to everyone for helping us remember our babies on their first birthday.

Our Busy Life

I feel like I'm always on the go...like there's always something to do.  Of course, I'm still finding time to sit my bum in front of my computer and the TV, so maybe I should stop that, but it's my de-stressor (usually).  Oh well.  Things will eventually get done.  The laundry will find a way.  The house will eventually get clean.  In the meantime, life goes on...without my boys...but it goes on.

Memory Boxes

When we left the NICU both times we lost the boys, we were given beautiful memory boxes, each filled with adorable and sweet little things to keep in honor of our boys.  At the time, it was hard to look through them and I eventually did when we came home from the hospital.  Since then, I can't open them.  I haven't even gone through the boys' things again since we came home.  I'm really hoping that come their birthday, I can bring myself to do it.  I'm also hoping that in honor of their birthday I can donate boxes back to the NICU in their names as well as Kristy's girls' names.

There are just some days

There are just some days where I just want to come home and cry.  Today was one of those days.  It was a happy day...but it was also a really difficult day for me.  I struggled a lot.  Today wasn't about me.  It was about celebrating with family and friends.  And about being utterly and crazily happy for a woman in my life who has been one of my greatest supporters over the past nearly 10 years, but most especially the past year.  Shared experiences do that for you, no matter how long ago that shared experience happened.

What the F?

Fertility crap is frustrating.  There's no better way to put it.  I can't help but wonder what my body has been doing over the past few months while I've been having progressively longer cycles and then the strangest period in my life.  But again, I know that time will tell.

The Adoption Wait

When we started the adoption process back in November, we knew there would be a wait.  We knew it would likely be a year or more.  I kept telling myself that as soon as we made it through the home study approval, I'd feel better.  The wait wouldn't seem so difficult because we'd know that any day the call could come.

The P Word

I have been slacking on my posts recently, so now that I have some down time a few thousand feet in the air, I figure it's time to do some catching up.

It seems as though every where I turn, there is someone announcing that they are pregnant.  I've probably said this before, but I will say it again.  I have a really hard time when someone tells me they are pregnant.  I really should just get over it, but truly there is no better word to explain it but jealousy.

They will follow me

I got my tattoos of my boys feet in December.  I debated for a long time where to put them but decided that I would put them on the top of my feet.  That way I could say my boys were always with me.  They walk with me wherever I go and are a part of me not only in the spiritual sense, but also in a somewhat physical sense, too.  Those tattoos...the pictures of their footprints in actual size...they are such a huge part of me.

27

I turned 27 yesterday.  I'm no where near where I thought I would be in my life at 27.  I haven't done the things I wanted to do by 27.  And honestly, the biggest thing I wanted was to be a mom by this point.  And though I am a mom...I still never feel like one because I'm not RAISING my children.  I think we set goals for ourselves.  "By 30 we'll be raising two kids."  That was the goal that Cam and I had set.  Goals are good.  They give life purpose because you're working toward something.  But sometimes I know that I focus more on the end result than the journey.  So I guess this year, my biggest goal for 27 is to focus on the journey.

Guilt

It's hard to explain but I feel this incredible amount of guilt for what has happened. And the thing is, I know there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything, but I still feel guilt. I feel as though I let so many people down. Like I brought pain into people's lives and its my fault. Again, I know that this is me putting a lot of weight on my shoulders and in a way it's me feeling sorry for myself at times, but I can't get over the fact that it was me. I'm the factor in this puzzle that, in a way, though not on purpose, caused this all to happen. So I feel guilty.

The Prayer Flag Project

If you're a member of the infant/child loss community, you know the name CarlyMarie or Christian's Beach.  She is a pioneer in the movement to speak out about loss, grieving, and love for a lost child.  She has done so much in the short time since her son Christian passed away.  I can only hope that someday I can honor my boys' names and memories the way she has done for Christian.

Struggling

Awhile back I wrote how I thought I had come to a place of acceptance with losing my boys.  In many ways, I still believe that.  It doesn't make me miss them any less.  It doesn't make me wish them here any less.  If anything, it makes me wish them here more, miss them more.  But at the same time, I still blame myself for them not being here.  I know that no one blames me, but me.  I still feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep them safer longer.  I feel guilty that they suffered.  I feel guilty that I can't give my wonderful husband the gift of a child.  But I accept that that's my life and I'm making the best of it in the few ways I know how.  However, I still struggle.

Happy 5 Years!

I'm taking a side-track to say Happy 5th Anniversary to my wonderful and amazing husband.  He is my shoulder to cry on, my strength.  I can not even begin to tell you how truly awesome it is to be married to the man of my dreams.  My life changed the day that we met, and I've never looked back.  We have spent nearly 10 years together.  We grew up, became adults together.  And now we've been to hell and back as a couple and we're still standing.  I am so lucky.

Maura's Mission

For any parent that has lost a baby, you know that there are a lot of support groups out there!  I am a part of a few and have left a few because of personal issues. However, I recently liked a page on Facebook called Maura Lynns's Baby Loss Memorial Blocks which is a part of Maura's Mission.

Father's Day 2013

It's Father's Day...I've been wanting and meaning to write this post for awhile today...I've been procrastinating it.  Cam didn't want to "celebrate" Father's Day.  I get it.  I didn't want to "celebrate" Mother's Day either.  But he deserves to be acknowledged for being a wonderful, and amazing father. 

Infertility Blues

I've been busy lately...March of Dimes follow-up...some new charity projects...new (busy) job...getting my house organized...friends and family visiting...focusing on my health...all amongst dealing with the infertility road all over again.

I wish I knew

I wish I knew why this happened. I wish it didn't happen to so many people. As I talk about my experience I meet more people who have been through this journey. It's comforting and sad at the same time. 

I wish I knew why my body did this to me. Why it can't work the way it's supposed to. Why I can't get pregnant so naturally and easily as so many other people can. Why does being responsible mean that I can't get what I want more than anything on this earth?

I wish I knew how to get over this. How to move forward and forget. Part of me never wants to forget. I want my boys memory to be kept alive. But a part I'd me wants my life to go back to that innocence...to that pain free time. Because now I will live the rest of my life in pain. Hurting and missing my babies. It doesn't seem fair. 

I wish I knew what to do. How to pull myself together and just be me again. I am falling apart every minute anew I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate myself because of that. I just want to be able to keep it together. 

I wish I knew how to show more people that this road isn't easy. I think people look at me and think that I have it together. I really don't. I promise you, I don't. My house is a disaster. My friendships keep falling apart. I cry. I can't get anything done short of my job. I throw myself at that. That's the only thing and place that I feel like I can keep it together and keep up that appearance that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I miss my babies. I miss my life the way it used to be. I want my happiness back. I want to be a mom. And I want to know why my body fails me of that...

Memorial Day

Today, I take a moment to think.  About all the people in my life that I should thank for their sacrifice.  Whether that sacrifice was a few months away from home, a few years...a limb...or a life.  My family history, past and present, is wrought with men and even a few women, who gave some or all of their lives for the freedoms that so many people in this country take for granted.

Reading and Such

I've found lately that I don't enjoy the things I used to.  I feel like maybe I'm this new and different person, but a part of me still longs for those parts of the old me.  I used to read.  All. The. Time.  I would read book after book and find it impossible to stop.  Now, it's like pulling teeth.  Only recently have I picked up a book and really gotten into it...let myself go somewhere in my own thoughts...in the words of the text.  It's hard because for the longest time my mind would wander.  I couldn't keep reading.  I was reading non-fiction...self-help and adoption books...because that's all that I could read in short bursts.

Openness

I started my new job this week...and keep forgetting to make phone calls, so obviously my blog has fallen by the wayside, too.  I need to set up a time on my calendar at least once a week just to update my blog! I feel like that's how crazy I have been lately.  Vacation event felt more busy than my normal work weeks!

March for Babies 2013 - Our Walk to Remember

I realized that since I've been on vacation this week, I never came back to write about our March for Babies event last weekend.  March for Babies is an event that is done throughout the nation.  Our event was at the hospital where our boys lived for their short lives.  It was rain or shine and although it was threatening rain, it held off until after our walk...and even after our family barbecue!

Mother's Day Anger

So it's here.  Mother's Day.  The day that a year ago, I dreamed of spending with my babies.  Cuddling and smiling and having a good day.  Now I just know that it's not a good day.  It's not something to celebrate.  Who celebrates not having their babies here?  I know I'm a mom...everyone can tell me that...but I don't feel it.  I feel lost.  I feel like my world is crashing again because this stupid Hallmark holiday is just a reminder, yet again, of what I don't have.

Busy lady

So I guess it has been awhile since I posted. I feel like the past couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I've been really focused on my March of Dimes, March for Babies team. I'm so very excited for the event on Saturday!  Not only is it an opportunity to bring awareness to the fact that not every NICU experience has a happy ending, but it is an opportunity to meet people and spend time with friends and family. I am so proud of my team!  We have raised almost $5,500 so far!  I set a high goal of $5,000 for my team and with nearly 40 people joining our family in this walk, we did it!!  I can't even put into words how thankful I am that people understand the seriousness of a full term pregnancy and good solid research for the hath are system to treat those women and babies who don't make it to full term.

National Infertility Awareness Week

I realize it's been awhile since I've posted.  I'm feeling like such a slacker not getting things posted here, but I'm going to take a minute for a PSA on National Infertility Awareness Week.  If you follow me on Facebook, you will notice that I've posted there about it.  A MoM friend of mine was posting, and I definitely used her posts to help me out.  For over two years I didn't speak up.  I didn't talk about the fact that I was going through fertility treatments.  I kept it to myself...and cried by myself.  It's not fair.  Infertility is a disease.  It is a MEDICAL condition.  I still really hope to work with legislators to get it recognized as such in all FIFTY states, but that's something I'm still working on right now and will post more when I have more info!  For now, I am going to repost my facts from my Facebook page to here for my readers to see and for my friends and family to see all in one place.

Keeping Busy

I've noticed that now that I'm going to have more time in my weeks and days with my new job, I'm searching for ways to fill it.  Not that that's difficult.  Cleaning my house (and keeping it that way) would be a big start...but hey, you do what you gotta do.  One of the big things I'm throwing myself into is forms of charity work.

Ch-ch-changes

I recently posted this on my Facebook, so this is repetitive for most, but I got a new job!!

Alone

Let me first say that I don't mean this to at all be about anyone specific...it's about my feelings in general right now.  Probably mostly ungrounded, but I just need to get it out there...  This isn't a pity party...just need to get my feelings out because I just don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn with them right now...

A few months ago, talking to an college roommate, she mentioned another friend (and roommate) of ours who I haven't talked to a lot lately.  The friend lost a sibling while we were in college.  She said that she felt that reaching out to me to rekindle a friendship that hasn't been present for awhile would be unfair to me because she remembers all the people that reached out to her and then disappeared in her grief journey.  I appreciated that and thought it was kind despite not really understanding it.  Recently, I've noticed exactly what she was talking about...

There are no words....

I recently came across this article talking about how there is little media coverage on this trial.  I had to read it out of curiosity.  It's disgusting.  I don't go off on my political views on my blog much, and I will say that I am pro-choice, WITHIN REASON.  This is without a doubt, the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

http://m.usatoday.com/article/news/2072577

Wear a Star

A friend invited me to this event on FB.  As I checked it out, I realized how cool it is.  I will be wearing stars for Samuel & Andrew.  And another one for all the other babies I know.  Remembering our little stars....

To visit the event online, visit here: http://therproject.org/wearastar/
To join the Facebook event go here: https://www.facebook.com/events/345573115547370/?fref=ts

The goal is 50,000 people.  Let's help!

The Grief Journey of Infertilty

I have over 120 blog posts, so I'm not 100% sure that I have talked about this by itself.  With PCOS, I suffer from infertility.  Over 3 years of fertility treatments and 1 round of IVF got us our boys.  It was emotional, time consuming, frustrating, and costly.  It wasn't easy.  And I didn't think we'd ever be back here, but here we are.

I wonder...

It's been awhile since I posted and honestly, it's because I haven't known what to write about...but I've been wondering about a lot of things lately...

Easy For You To Say

I found this post on one of my FAVORITE online publications, Still Standing, and I just HAD to share because it's SO dead on that it's not even funny...

Easy For You To Say

CHaD Battle of the Badges 2013

On the heels of my March of Dimes post (more to come on that soon!), I wanted to share a little bit about another great charity!  CHaD stands for the Children's Hospital at Dartmouth.  This is the hospital where my boys spent their entire lives.  I haven't really known what else to do with myself other than to work with charities and this is another great one.

March of Dimes 2013

I have talked a lot about how I want to make my boys' lives have meaning.  One of the things I'm doing is the March of Dimes.  I've always tried to stay involved in March of Dimes.  It was an FBLA project in high school and last year I was planning to walk it in honor of my friend's little boy Jaxson who was born 9 weeks early (before the ovarian hyperstim knocked me on my butt).  This year, I will walk it not only in memory of Samuel & Andrew but in memory of my friend's girls, Aryelle & Kendall.

Six Months

I've started to find the past week or so more difficult...just when I thought life was moving forward, and I was feeling good about things, I revert back to this place of despair.  Where even the littlest things can make me cry.  Where every sound, smell, and feeling can remind me of even just one short moment of my boys' lives.

The Next Steps

I'm a bad blogger.  It's been quite awhile since I posted, and there is so much new news to share!  All very good, however, I promise!

Is this Acceptance?

I realize I haven't posted in awhile, so I figured it's high time.  I started a post awhile back that I'll get back to, but since I have been feeling a little differently about everything lately, I figured that I'd go there first.

Letting go of "control"

Something that I've had to do lately is try to let go of my perceived control over things.  I'm a control freak.  There, said it.  I hate feeling out of control at all.  I like to be in control of situations, of my life, of my emotions.  When I'm not, I'm even MORE stressed out.

Mourning the "other" losses

I don't remember if I've typed about this...but I'm finding it easier to write and talk about my loss(es) without crying incessantly every time.  I guess that's what time heals...the ability to think about it without crying.  I think about it all the time, but the not crying is new.  It doesn't mean I never cry...it just means it's easier to control the tears....

Self Preservation

This week has been rough.  I can't tell you exactly why, but I think that hormones probably have something to do with it.  Being a girl sucks, but I'm hoping that the crazy hormones mean that maybe for once my body is doing what it's supposed to.  Maybe for once I can hope for things to go a little more naturally this time around....

But that's not what I'm writing about right now...I'm writing about what my hormones have done to my patience this week surrounding Facebook...

The State of Mental Healthcare

DISCLAIMER: Political views shared.  I accept RESPECTFUL rebuttals, but do not accept judgement.  I will delete any responses that are not respectful.

Please also note that although I personally did not vote for Obama, nor do I necessarily agree with his policies or proposals, he's still our president.  I still respect that he is.  Not agreeing with a person does not mean that I don't hold respect for that person, whether it is our president or any other person in my life.

Clueless

I don't really know what I came here to blog about tonight...I just feel clueless...I feel helpless...I just wish that I could curl up in my warm bed with two warm, squirmy little boys...all I want is to hold Sammy & Andy....just one more minute...hold them both at once...

Liebster Award

RULES

This award is given to new or up and coming bloggers who have less than 200 followers. The award is then passed along to other bloggers in the same category to help spread the word and support one another.

1. Answer the questions the tagger has set for you.

2. Then, create 11 new questions for the bloggers you pass the award to.

3. Choose 11 new bloggers (with less than 200 followers) to pass the award to and link them in your post.

4. Go back to their page and tell them about the award.

5. No tag backs.

Thank you for the nomination, Avery's Mommy!  Here are the answers to your questions... 

Adoption Questions

After going to our adoption prep seminar yesterday, I realized in talking to the other potential adoptive parents that we encounter a lot of annoying frustrating unintelligent curiosity-seeking people when we say we're pursuing adoption.  I want to dispel the myths and answer the questions here and now.  Feel free to put any others out there, and I will provide you an answer in a future post.

Do you have children?

You can read all the books and websites and message boards you want, but NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, prepares you for answering this question.

Needing a Pick-Me-Up

With the way my day ended (even though the rest of it was okay...), this music video and song always seem to make me feel better....

Relationships

I have been talking with a few friends this past week about the way many of our relationships have changed over the past four months.  The people I thought would be there aren't at all.  The people that I least expected or never even knew are there every moment for every need.

Planning for March for Babies

I haven't talked a lot about Kristy and I will leave her story for her to tell, but the long and short of it is that her twin girls were born 16 weeks too early as well, just about a month after my boys.  We were introduced through a mutual friend and we became fast friends.  When we started talking about what we could do to honor our four beautiful babies, March of Dimes was really a given.

Footprints

I found this poem via one of the Facebook groups I found after the boys passed away and fell in love with it...

"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
-Author Unknown

I don't know how many people know this, but the boys' footprints and the image of footprints are what I use to represent them.  My cremation necklace is a path of footprints.  I bought another charm to go with it with a set of footprints on it.  I also have their footprints tattooed on the tops of my feet.  Their tiny feet mean the world.  I always will treasure their tiny footprints.

Expectations for the New Year

I like the idea of a new year's resolution, but I'm never successful at them.  Who is though, right?  For me it's a new year to set goals.  And I always set goals for myself.  Sometimes it takes me longer to complete them, but when I set goals, I make them happen.  So here's what I want to make happen in 2013...