I wish I knew

I wish I knew why this happened. I wish it didn't happen to so many people. As I talk about my experience I meet more people who have been through this journey. It's comforting and sad at the same time. 

I wish I knew why my body did this to me. Why it can't work the way it's supposed to. Why I can't get pregnant so naturally and easily as so many other people can. Why does being responsible mean that I can't get what I want more than anything on this earth?

I wish I knew how to get over this. How to move forward and forget. Part of me never wants to forget. I want my boys memory to be kept alive. But a part I'd me wants my life to go back to that innocence...to that pain free time. Because now I will live the rest of my life in pain. Hurting and missing my babies. It doesn't seem fair. 

I wish I knew what to do. How to pull myself together and just be me again. I am falling apart every minute anew I hate it. I cry at the drop of a hat and I hate myself because of that. I just want to be able to keep it together. 

I wish I knew how to show more people that this road isn't easy. I think people look at me and think that I have it together. I really don't. I promise you, I don't. My house is a disaster. My friendships keep falling apart. I cry. I can't get anything done short of my job. I throw myself at that. That's the only thing and place that I feel like I can keep it together and keep up that appearance that I'm okay. I'm not okay. I miss my babies. I miss my life the way it used to be. I want my happiness back. I want to be a mom. And I want to know why my body fails me of that...