Openness

I started my new job this week...and keep forgetting to make phone calls, so obviously my blog has fallen by the wayside, too.  I need to set up a time on my calendar at least once a week just to update my blog! I feel like that's how crazy I have been lately.  Vacation event felt more busy than my normal work weeks!

I think I've said this a few times, but being open about my story...about my infertility, about my boys...I meet people who have been there.  I started a new job this week...and have already found another loss momma, some fertility stories, and two other preemie mommas.  I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it is.  And it is more people to share my boys with.  More people that will remember them because I share them.

That all being said...I can't stress enough how much being open about my stories has helped me find a support network.  By telling people my story, I find people who can relate...who can understand...and who are always willing to share their stories with me, too.  It is absolutely beautiful...incredible...and comforting.  After years of keeping things to myself, I feel like being open is the only way that I am going to find peace, and I think I'm finding it ever so slowly.  Yes, I still have bad days, but I feel like it's more okay when I know other people understand, get it, and can relate.

Tomorrow marks 8 months since we lost Sammy.  I still count the months...I still dread the 3, 6, and 25 of each month because it is that much further from my babies...from the memories.  I'm still scared of forgetting something...still scared of forgetting what it felt like to touch and hold them.  A part of me knows I will never forget while the other part of me is terrified of forgetting.  I can't explain any better than that.  I know that my heart is never going to be whole again, but maybe I can patch it a little...make it so I can get through each day, week, month, and year without my babies.

As we approach their birthday, I'm trying to think of ways to celebrate their short little lives...I have so many ideas and not enough time to do it all...but I need little things...something Cam and I should do...maybe a balloon release...I don't know.  It doesn't seem possible that THIS is what I am planning for their first birthday...that I will be missing them instead of holding them.  But it is.  And I just keep hoping that someday I will hold them again.  I love you baby boys...with every beat of my broken heart.