You can read all the books and websites and message boards you want, but NOTHING, I mean NOTHING, prepares you for answering this question.
We went to our mandatory 8 hour seminar for our adoption today. At one point, the LICSW leading asked us who had children. I didn't answer knowing that she wasn't asking for the reasons that would constitute us answering. But at the same time, it felt like a betrayal. I didn't answer because I didn't want to explain. On the other hand, I so desperately wanted to answer to acknowledge my boys for this room of strangers to hear.
All the information out there says that the situation may dictate the appropriate response, but at the same time, not answering just feels wrong. Am I not honoring my children? Am I ignoring that they ever existed? They existed for me and everything about their existence affects me every single moment of every single day. It is shaping my future. It is shaping who I am. I know that. But I want to say their names...talk about them every chance I get. It's important to me that they not be forgotten and that as many people as possible know their names.
So how do you answer? The books say an appropriate response may be "I have two children in heaven," or "I have two children but they passed away." I don't know about anyone else out there, but I feel like that just brings on the onset of more questions...and then how do you respond? I mean, I'm not ashamed of them. I will tell their story every chance I get, but standing in line at the grocery store (mind you, I have not been in this situation), or in the middle of a workshop like today. Is that appropriate? I don't think so, but again...not acknowledging my children's existence feels lik ea betrayal.
I have children. I am a mom. I'm just still trying to figure out how to be a mom to two babies that aren't here on earth. What that looks like and what it means.
There is no right or wrong way. So far, I've always answered that I have a daughter in Heaven but those were in situations where I knew I was able to give details. I completely get where you were coming from in your workshop. You weren't denying your boys!
ReplyDeleteI think every parent who has lost a baby deals with this and I'm not sure there is a right or wrong way. It took me awhile to be "okay" with not always answering the whole question. Eventually I got to a point where I knew in my heart how loved both of my boys are and that Carter knows that he will always be my son and that I wasn't betraying him by not acknowledging him out loud.
ReplyDeleteI get to share about him in other situations that I feel comfortable in. Sometimes if I know someone isn't going to "get it" I keep him to myself, if its a situation where I feel like I can share then I do. It's a hard place to be in and it does feel like you are betraying them sometimes, but they KNOW they are your boys and they KNOW how much you love them, whether you keep them in your heart or share them out loud.