Clueless

I don't really know what I came here to blog about tonight...I just feel clueless...I feel helpless...I just wish that I could curl up in my warm bed with two warm, squirmy little boys...all I want is to hold Sammy & Andy....just one more minute...hold them both at once...


I think the hardest part of this all is that I was SO excited to be a mom to twins.  SO excited.  I can't say it's what I had dreamed about and had thought I would have.  I was scared when we found out, but at the same time, I started to identify as a twin mom.  That's what I am...and I don't get to raise my twins.  I had so many ideas of how I would raise twin boys.  I was so excited to spend time with my boys...I always wanted boys, and two at once, awesome!  And now I just miss them.  I want them back so badly.  I have this unbelievable hole in my heart...and I know it will never be filled completely.  Another baby whether bio or adopted won't fill that hole.  He/she won't fill the need I feel to be able to raise twins.  I lost my opportunity...life happened and played this cruel joke on me...

I don't know where to go with this post...I'm just dumping everything in my head...

I've started feeling like anxiety is getting the better of me.  Before we were going to our adoption prep seminar, I was an anxious mess.  The idea of the drive, of the class, of everything...I just felt like a mess.  And then work today...it wasn't a bad day, but I feel like my anxiety about stupid little things gets the better of me...I know I should do something about it...but until this past week I've felt like I've had it under control... 

I guess part of it is that I really just want to move forward with our adoption listing.  We can't list until our home study is approved.  Which would be fine...except our social worker is out of town for two weeks and we have everything DONE on our end.  Grrrreeeaaaat.  It's for personal reasons, and I respect that...I just need to know.  So now the anxiety of waiting for our "approval" is even higher.  I thought I felt confident that it'd be fine and yet I'm still freaking out.  I want to know.  Because I've planned for SO MUCH in the past and it hasn't worked out and I'm starting to hope and plan again...I am so scared that we will be let down...that we won't get approved for some reason or another and it will just be ANOTHER of life's let downs...all over again.

I just wish that it wasn't like this.  I wish that this was not my life.  I wish that I could just have my boys and everything were okay.  Why us?  Why after all we've been through already did this have to happen to us...hadn't life challenged us enough?

I can say that I think everything in life happens for a reason and most of the time I do feel it...but right now I am really questioning that.  I'm questioning what the meaning of this all is...I know that I probably will never find one...but something...just a little bit of something...I know that this experience brought me some fabulous friends that I wouldn't know otherwise...but I would have known them even if my boys had LIVED through the NICU...why couldn't that have been the outcome?

Part of this is that I haven't had time with my husband since Saturday after we got home from MA.  I thought 4 days and him working in town would be easier than the 5 days an hour from home...but I miss the touch...I miss him holding me...four nights of sleeping alone is a long time...he does come home and get into bed, but by then I'm asleep...no cuddling. :(  I don't think anyone can understand the extent to which TOUCH is important.  For me, it's what I need...I need that touching with my husband...a hug, him holding me...he's the only one who can feel the pain like I do...the only one who can comfort me because of that.

I just feel so beat down right now...so worn out and frustrated.....