It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies. It is seeing babies hooked up to machines. It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through. It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies. It hurts. It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky. That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.
It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys. Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now. It makes me miss them. It makes me realize that I will never have that. I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea. And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts. I'm so disappointed. And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.
It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen. Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again. And if that never works? We can only do adoption once. And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future? It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.
It is the smell of hand sanitizer. That is probably one of the worst. And going back to the hospital. Yeah, that smell is there. And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that. It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.
It is going to that end of the hospital. Even if not on the same floor. Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me. I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms. I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there. I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.
Triggers...they are exhausting. Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown. When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment. So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door. And I just plow through the day and move forward. They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down. I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away. I don't know that they ever will. I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.
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