The Firsts

Today is September 25.  It's the last "first" with our boys.  The day we said goodbye to Sammy.  The day I held my little boy while he took his last breath...while his heart beat for nearly 20 minutes after he stopped breathing.  My miracle baby who held on long enough to make me actually feel like a mom...if even for just 3 short weeks.


I really had hoped that making it through these firsts would seem like life would get easier without them.  I don't think that will ever happen.  I will miss them every single day.  I will wonder what life would be like if they were here...every single day.  But I know it will get a little less painful.  I will get used to the pain.  I will perhaps be numb to it sometimes...one can hope.

But I do feel myself smiling more.  Thinking of my boys and thinking about how happy I was when I found out I was pregnant.  How excited I was when I found out I was having twins.  How beautiful they were, despite the lines and tubes and machines.  About the people they have brought into my life...and the people that they have helped me let go of.  About the life that I have made as a result of losing them.  So many good things have happened after losing them...despite losing them...because of them.

I feel as though I am a better person because of them.  That I have become who I wished I could be years ago...that it took losing them to become that person.  I have learned so much.  About who is really there.  About who my real friends are.  And just about myself.  Who I want to be...who I can truly be.

I would change it if I could.  Never in my life would I not wish them here.  But I do know that losing them is probably both the best and worst thing that could happen to me.  I just really hope that my future continues to hold beautiful things...blessings from heaven...from my angels.  I love you, baby boys.

Onto a year of seconds...and hopefully some more firsts...good firsts.