I have over 120 blog posts, so I'm not 100% sure that I have talked about this by itself. With PCOS, I suffer from infertility. Over 3 years of fertility treatments and 1 round of IVF got us our boys. It was emotional, time consuming, frustrating, and costly. It wasn't easy. And I didn't think we'd ever be back here, but here we are.
It takes a year of trying naturally for a fertility clinic to consider you infertile. We went just over 6 months before my OB decided that the issues I was having could not be solved by anything other than birth control...which of course was out of the question when we were trying to conceive. We were judged by the receptionist, of all people, in our fertility clinic for going early. We didn't have a choice if we wanted children. This was it.
The battle begun... Blood work. Ultrasound after ultrasound. Medications. Handing over more and more money. Lots of doctors appointments. Time away from work. Time spent in a waiting room. Time spent on a doctor's table. Needles. Psych appointments. Grieving.
That last one...grieving. I've been grieving for four years now. Not just for my boys that I lost 7 months ago, but for the loss of privacy. The loss of the joy of reading a pregnancy test when you're a week late and having it say "Pregnant." The loss of not being able to surprise our family and friends with the news. The loss of the romance of making a baby.
I grieved every month I wasn't pregnant. Every treatment that didn't work. More time...more tests...more drugs...more blood work...more money...more, more, more...with nothing to show.
And now. Now the grief is 10 fold. Because I'm terrified. I don't want to go back to the fertility treatments, but I don't want to give up hope that we can have a child that looks like us. I will put myself through it. I will do the IVF...because the final outcome can't be history repeating itself again, right? It has to be better next time, right?
I'm not ready for IVF again yet. It was so difficult last time...I can't do it again yet. But I will. I will do what it takes to know that we've exhausted all that hope. To know that I did everything I could to become a mom.
Meanwhile I mourn. I grieve. I cry at the negative tests every month. I cry each time someone around me gets pregnant with ease. Without giving it a second thought. Because I wish that was my journey. I wish that this were not so difficult for me. I would give just about anything for that positive pregnancy test without the needles, doctors, and loss of privacy.
I never announced my pregnancy on Facebook because I didn't want someone who may just be starting out in this journey to feel the way I feel every time I see someone's Facebook status or a stupid ultrasound picture as a profile picture. I won't do it this time either. You never know. You just NEVER know who around you is going through this.
It's not talked about. It's not something I love to talk about...it's not something I like to share. But I also know that my biggest support has come out of sharing my stories (infertility & loss), so I do. It took me over 2 years to share it though. It took me 2 years to even share it with our FAMILY, let alone our friends or the world. But I won't be silent about it anymore. I suffer from infertility. It is who I am. It is what is happening to me.
And I'm back on the road again. Back to seeing the negative tests every month. Back to the drugs eventually. Back to IVF eventually. Back to grieving yet another loss every month.
And saying that "you're still young" or "give it time" or "just relax, take it easy" those words don't help. I don't know that I could write it any better than this author from RESOLVE, so here it is: Infertility Etiquette
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