Guilt

It's hard to explain but I feel this incredible amount of guilt for what has happened. And the thing is, I know there's nothing I could have done differently that would have changed anything, but I still feel guilt. I feel as though I let so many people down. Like I brought pain into people's lives and its my fault. Again, I know that this is me putting a lot of weight on my shoulders and in a way it's me feeling sorry for myself at times, but I can't get over the fact that it was me. I'm the factor in this puzzle that, in a way, though not on purpose, caused this all to happen. So I feel guilty.

I feel like I let so many people down.  It's why it was so hard to go back to see my grandfather after we lost the boys.  It's why I didn't want to see much of our extended families.  And it's why I still struggle.  Yes, the jealousies and the frustration are a big part of that, but really, it's the guilt.

Our parents wouldn't be hurting if I could have stayed pregnant for just a little bit longer.  Our aunts, uncles, and cousins wouldn't be missing out on seeing our boys grow up if I could have kept the boys safer just a few more weeks.  Our grandparents wouldn't have to wonder if they'd be alive to see their great-grandbabies if I could have just gotten pregnant the good 'ole fashioned way 4 years ago when we started trying.  My hubby wouldn't have to feel the pain of watching me struggle with the pain and the frustration of my infertility if I could just ovulate on my own.

I feel guilty that my boys suffered.  That I couldn't keep them safe long enough to not suffer in what little time they did spend on this earth...with tubes and wires and pokes and prods and lights and x-rays.  That's on me...I couldn't keep them safe.

Again, I am FULLY aware that this is ME putting this on ME.  My hubby doesn't blame me for it, nor do our families, but I FEEL it.  All the words in the world can be said telling me it's not my fault.  That I need to go easier on myself.  That there's nothing I could have done.  But I put it on me.  I can't help it.  I blame me.  I blame me every day for them not being here because I feel guilty.  I want them here more than anything, and I live each day with this guilt that they're not.

I am fully aware and know in my head that there is NOTHING I could have done and I'm at peace with everything that happened after they were born and the decisions we made during that time.  What I can't get over is the fact that I couldn't stay pregnant longer.  And again, I know that I would have died if we didn't do what we did, but I still blame my body.  I blame my body for not being able to get pregnant and then carry a pregnancy without an extreme amount of help.  Like wtf, body?  Why can't I do this?

I know this is a pity party, but guilt is the primary emotion I deal with secondary to jealousy and they both feed my frustration.  I am truly trying to work on all of those things and make meaning of it and try to find ways to cope, but it doesn't stop the overwhelming feeling.  This is really a big reason why I write this blog...to share these emotions...writing them out makes them real, not just in my head.  It makes them known.  It helps people understand why I'm a crazy person some days.  And it helps all the other loss mommas and daddies know that they aren't alone....so that's the good that comes out of my guilt, I suppose.  And I suppose that some of us were just put on this earth to deal with these tough life lessons.  Some days I just wish that I weren't one of those people...