Letting go of "control"

Something that I've had to do lately is try to let go of my perceived control over things.  I'm a control freak.  There, said it.  I hate feeling out of control at all.  I like to be in control of situations, of my life, of my emotions.  When I'm not, I'm even MORE stressed out.


Fertility medications were my first exposure to being out of control.  Mostly because it meant that we couldn't just try to get pregnant naturally because we sure as hell knew that was NEVER going to happen if I kept getting 6+ week long periods.  But really, I think the fertility meds just made me crazy.  Hormonal and crazy.  If you've ever had them (or let's face it, had severe PMS or been pregnant), you know that they make you C-R-A-Z-Y.  Hot flashes on one, mood swings on another...there was no telling how I'd feel.  Really, it was probably the most difficult part of it all and my poor husband was along for the ride.  That was my first exposure to being out of control.

And then obviously the HELLP stuff...I was so out of control there.  All I could think about is that if I didn't push through it and feel better then they would deliver my babies and it was too early.  I have a high pain tolerance...I don't speak up until I can't take it anymore.  And I knew if I spoke up, it meant going back to the hospital...it meant having my boys at 24 weeks.  I was miserable feeling that out of control.  I think the entire time I was crying that day was because I knew what was coming and I couldn't do anything to stop it.

Then there's the NICU...absolutely no control.  I'm their mommy and I can't do anything for them.  Out-of-control.  I wanted so badly to just hold them and comfort them and I couldn't.  I couldn't even change their diaper if it wasn't the "set" time to do it.  I couldn't feed them because the tubes did that.  Nothing about that experience allowed any control.  Even the doctors and nurses didn't have control.  Those babies, they had control.  And life had control.  And death....

Fast forward to present - I don't have control of my emotions at times.  I do pretty well most of the time...but sometimes, sometimes I just don't have control.  And then I get mad at myself for letting that control go.  The NICU doctor called me at work the other day.  I carried on the entire conversation and did perfectly fine...until I hung up the phone.  And then I lost it.  If I'm prepared for something, I do GREAT because I have CONTROL.  I wasn't prepared for that call...and I lost control.  I cried in my office.  And I couldn't control it.

What I've learned through all this is that control is a perception.  I really never had control.  I've never had control of my life.  I have control of the DECISIONS I make for myself and my family and that's it.  Everything else is left to fate.  Fate has dealt us a rough hand.  I have to believe that that's because something so much bigger and so much better is waiting for us.  All I can do is let go of the control and hope again.......