Day 10: Beliefs

This is a hard topic.  I know I'm going to offend or have people tell me that they think this or that.  So let me preface this post by saying, it's okay if you don't agree with me.  It's okay if you believe something different.  BUT please don't discount what I believe and feel.

For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic.  I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god.  I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother.  That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged.  I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early.  Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong.  There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms.  There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.

What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again.  I have to believe that.  It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again.  So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.

I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can.  I can still feel sad.  I can still feel guilty.  I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected.  But I will also protect my family and friends.  First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children.  I deserve it and they deserve it.  They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them.  Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.