Holidays 2013

It's been awhile since I posted.  To be honest, I don't have a good excuse.  I've had a lot going through my head and a lot to say, but just not sure why I didn't come here...part of it is probably because I wasn't sure how to say any of it...part of it because I probably shouldn't.



For some reason this year's holidays seem more difficult than last year.  Last year, we were still fresh from losing the boys.  People tread lightly and knew we were still hurting...knew that the pain was fresh...the wounds still wide open.  People remembered our boys...it felt like they honored them and remembered them just as much as we did.

The same can't be said for this year.  I feel as though people have forgotten.  As though everyone else's lives have moved on.  Mine has...but not the way I'd like.  I still picture what life would be like if my babies were here celebrating Christmas.  I picture Andrew quietly playing with the presents while Samuel tried to wrestle the Christmas tree.  Two one-year olds that should be here.  It doesn't matter that eventually we will have more children...my boys AREN'T here and they should be.  I will NEVER forget that.

I can't explain the hurt...that people don't say their names.  That the Christmas cards never include them.  Something so simple would at least show me that people remember because I'm not so sure they do.  Instead it's as if they never existed.  People have forgotten...or so it would seem.  It's as though because they didn't hold them as they took their last breaths...that they may have never met them...that they never existed it to people around us.  I feel alone in remembering them.

To top it off...everyone else around us...in our circle of friends and families have had babies since.  And everyone is so happy and cheerful and wants to see and talk about the new babies.  Never once have any of those people said my children's names or asked me how I'm holding up or dealing with it.  Never once have my boys been acknowledged in conversation.  Why should I subject myself to you talking about someone else's child right in front of me?!  How can you be excited for someone else when you could never even mourn my children with me?  Or ever once acknowledge that they existed??

I'm alone in remembering my children.  I hurt every day thinking of what it would be like if they were here...seeing everyone else having their dreams come true while I still long for mine.  And to be honest, I'm not sure mine ever will come true because despite having children in the future...that future will always be missing my baby boys the way they should have existed.

I feel angry.  I feel hurt.  And I feel lonely.  I don't know how I'll make it through these holidays biting my tongue and trying to put up the "I'm okay" face.  Every holiday is a reminder of the reality that life isn't how it should be and I don't think people would understand or forgive me for the tears anymore....after all, in their eyes I should be over it by now...and no amount of time will let me be "over it."  I will NEVER be "over it."  This is my life...living with hurt, and pain, and anger...because my boys aren't here.  That level of acceptance I though I had seems to have washed away this holiday season...