I have been talking with a few friends this past week about the way many of our relationships have changed over the past four months. The people I thought would be there aren't at all. The people that I least expected or never even knew are there every moment for every need.
I've been struggling with the idea that friendships end. The people I thought would understand...that would be there for me...that would stand beside me no matter what...they aren't there anymore. I don't have the energy to foster the relationships. This is one time where I need my friends to be picking up more on their side...to put in more effort because I don't have the energy to most of the time. It's not that I don't want to...it's that I can't. Many days I am having a hard enough time taking care of myself. I can't take care of the friendships, too. I feel as though the friends that are true friends carry the friendship when the other person can't. It's hard to think of it that way because it means letting go of relationships with people that I don't want to, but I have to. I have to let go of relationships where I have to carry it because I just can't carry it right now. I need to be carried for a little while.
The friends that know this - that intuitively just know what I need - those are, believe it or not, newer friends. They are not necessarily the friends that have known me for years and years (well most of them aren't anyways). They are the ones that can call me and just tell me how their day was and make me laugh because I feel like a normal person...not a piece of glass. They are the ones that ask me how I'm doing and when I tell them "okay" know that I'm not really okay and will make sure that they help me be okay and feel normal if even for just a few minutes of the day. The friends that are there and that are creating relationships are the ones that text me to say "hi" or "I love you" when they read my blog or my Facebook status and know I'm having a bad day.
I've made more new friends in the past four months than talked to old ones. I've re-kindled a few friendships because those friends have put in an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing, but mostly I've developed new friendships. Honestly, I don't know if these new friends will ever let me down, but they haven't yet and old friends have. And many of those old friends have more than once. At this point, I just don't have the energy to keep going. I am giving up. Because friendship is work, yes, but those that can't help me through the rough patches...those aren't true friends.
Friends are the people that I can pour my heart out to, cry in front of, and scream with just because I need to. They are the ones that will do all that with me. They are the ones that will still tell me how it is and talk reason into me, but won't take offense when I don't listen. They are the ones that I feel like I can be 100% myself around and don't have to worry about hurting their feelings because they will understand when I say things when I'm hurting.
I know that people are in our lives for a reason and at different times for different reasons. And, honestly, the friendships that I feel as though I have to say goodbye to, I think those have run their course. They were there when I needed them and now it's time for new friendships or to work on others. Maybe those friendships will come back, maybe they won't. It's something I will have to learn to be okay with. And I will. It will just take time. Unfortunately, it's just one more thing to mourn when I'm already mourning so much. But those friends, the ones that truly are my friends, those friends will be there to mourn with me and help me through losing not only my pregnancy (and everything with it) and my boys (and all the dreams and hopes that died with them), but the dying friendships, too. Those are my friends. They know who they are, and they know that I love them.
To finish this post off...I found this on Pinterest (I love Pinterest) and thought it an appropriate share...
FRIENDS
Fight for you
Respect you
Include you
Encourage you
Need you
Deserve you
Stand by you
I completelycan relate to this post. I've lost some of my oldest friends but gained some that were unexpected. I don't have the energy to actively maintain my friendships right now. I need friends who are going to reach out to me, ones who don't expect me to call or try to plan things with them. It still amazes me however how some people still expect me to be the "old me" in the friendship. I will never be that person again and people need to realize that.
ReplyDeleteCherish those who you do have right now, those who are with you now will be the ones who stick around for the long haul.
Hugs to you <3
I think you said it best yourself in the last paragraph. People are in our lives at different times for a reason. Sadly, circumstances change, and those friendships end. Sometimes we (or they) move away, go through a life changing event, or just slowly drift apart. And you're right, some will be close friends again one day. (My Dad's girlfriend and her best friend went through a 20 year period where they weren't friends, and now they are inseparable again.) Your friends still love you and always will, and you will always have those happy memories.
ReplyDelete