Is this Acceptance?

I realize I haven't posted in awhile, so I figured it's high time.  I started a post awhile back that I'll get back to, but since I have been feeling a little differently about everything lately, I figured that I'd go there first.


This year I was missing two of my three Valentines.  I should have been celebrating with two handsome little boys.  It's still hard to wrap my head around the fact that they aren't here.  That they should be but that they aren't.  I really wish life were different, but I've come to this place where I realize that that's just the way it's always going to be.  Life isn't fair.

Valentine's Day was hard, missing them...Cam's and my schedules don't always allow us to "celebrate."  That's okay.  I told Cam that I didn't want flowers this year.  I told him I wanted charms for my Pandora bracelet instead.  I ordered them...S & A for my boys...and Chamila charms, Baby's First Steps & Children are Blessings.  They felt more fitting than flowers that would die.  I kill plants.  I do NOT have a green thumb (thanks, Mom for that gene, lol!).  Needless to say, a piece of jewelry that I can treasure is so much more appropriate.  I can't wait to get them.  There's something about wearing reminders of my boys every day that is so very comforting.

I'm not sure if this is what "acceptance" feels like, but I think I have come to this place where I'm at ease.  I can think of my boys and feel a sense of calm.  I cry, yes.  Don't get me wrong, boy do I ever still cry and miss them.  I always will.  What I mean is that I've come to this point where I am happy with what I have with them.  I'm not happy that they died, no.  I will never be okay with that.  It's always going to be unfair.  What I'm happy about is that I had them.  That I have memories of them.  That my life was so blessed not once, but twice, by two beautiful children.

Is this acceptance?  I don't know.  All the books say that you go through grief and get to this acceptance stage.  I'm not sure if that's where I'm at, but I'd like to think that because I can be happy for what I had and have that maybe, just maybe I am there.  I feel like I can move forward.  I feel like we could get pregnant and start over and I would be okay.  I refuse to give up.  We will never have the answers...never.  But what we will have is each other and another chance.  I am bound and determined not to give up on that chance.

I'm ready to move forward...to have a family...to give my boys a little brother or sister.  My mind is there (now to wait for my body to get there).  And I'm DETERMINED to enjoy EVERY minute of a pregnancy, of our adoption journey, of my children's lives.  Maybe that's why this was meant to happen...to teach me not to take life for granted.  I get frustrated with situations. I have bad days.  I have bad moments.  I have days where I wish everything were so, so different.

But ultimately, I can be happy with where I am.  I am happy that I am alive when six short months ago, I was at a major risk of not surviving my pregnancy and barely escaped with my life.  I am happy that I have a wonderful husband that helps me through every day and holds me when I cry.  I'm happy we have a roof over our heads and somewhere to call home.  I have a job and coworkers who support me every single day.  I love our animals.  I love our family.  I love my friends.  I love my sons to the stars and back.

My life is so blessed.  To wish things would be different is only to wish that my boys were here.  At the same time, I think that maybe this is just the way it was supposed to be.  I was supposed to be a mom to angels.  I have the strength, the will, the want, the heart to get through this.  I'm doing it.  I'm okay.  I have accepted that this is my life.  I will make it through, and I will continue to be okay.