Struggling

Awhile back I wrote how I thought I had come to a place of acceptance with losing my boys.  In many ways, I still believe that.  It doesn't make me miss them any less.  It doesn't make me wish them here any less.  If anything, it makes me wish them here more, miss them more.  But at the same time, I still blame myself for them not being here.  I know that no one blames me, but me.  I still feel guilty.  I feel guilty that I couldn't do anything to keep them safer longer.  I feel guilty that they suffered.  I feel guilty that I can't give my wonderful husband the gift of a child.  But I accept that that's my life and I'm making the best of it in the few ways I know how.  However, I still struggle.

Probably the biggest thing I struggle with and still haven't accepted is my infertility problems.  The fact that I don't ovulate regularly and a lot of the time, don't ovulate on my own.  That even when I do, I still don't get pregnant.  If anything, losing the boys just makes me realize what I'm missing every month that the pregnancy test is negative and every time my period shows up.  It's not fair.  I've always been told, life isn't fair, but it's really not.  I know I've gone off on this rant before, so I won't do it again.  I'll leave it at the fact that life just isn't fair.

I want to be a mom.  I've always wanted to be a mom.  I fell in love with dolls early because I could mother them.  I loved taking care of babies because that feeling of that child loving you was the best feeling in the world.  I want that for me.  To have my own baby to love that will love me unconditionally, too.  No bond is as great as that between a mother and child.  And I had it...and I lost it.  So now I know what I'm missing and I want that feeling back.  No future child can replace my boys.  But they can help me get that feeling back again.

The biggest thing I've struggled with with my infertility is other people's pregnancy announcements.  I don't know why, but I'm selective on which friends I truly feel like I can be happy for.  Others I just shake my head and wonder wtf they are thinking...I find some reason in my head as to why it just isn't fair.  And honestly, that's because of my infertility.  It is NOT because I lost my boys.  This all goes back to the things I've been struggling with for almost four years.  Watching EVERYONE you know have 1, 2, or even 3 children in the time that you've been struggling to have one is so very difficult.

And we've got so much going...the adoption stuff is just a waiting game.  The doctor has prescribed me some new meds that may/may not help me and it's just a matter of being patient.  But I've been patient.  For FOUR YEARS I've been patient.  When is it MY turn?  When do *I* get to be happy?  Why can't I just catch a break...just this once...

So I'm struggling.  With the emotions that come from infertilty.  That's not to say that I don't struggle with the fact that my boys aren't here, but I feel like I struggle with that a lot less than the infertility.  I just want to CONCEIVE like a NORMAL human being.  I know there are lots of ways to have a family.  Oh believe me, those things that people say...yeah, they don't help.  The "just relax and it will happen" or the "I know this person who adopted and then got pregnant right after" or the "leave it up to God."  And that last one is a doozy for me.  God wants all the people in the world who abuse children, who can't feed their children, who can't AFFORD their children to keep having more but I can't just have ONE?  What's the "bigger plan" in that?  I know there's a child out there, waiting for us to be his/her parents, but I'm just so damn sick of being PATIENT...my patience is up.