Day 6: Rituals

I wasn't really sure what to write for today's post.  I was thinking about how we honor our boys.  Then I realized I have a lot of rituals.

Like the fact that when I'm stressed, nervous, or upset, I rub my necklace.  The necklace I wear every day with the boys' ashes in it.  I only take it off to shower.  And if I don't remember it, I feel off all day.  When I traveled not too long ago (flying), I was scared to take it...scared it could get confiscated or that I'd lose it.  I felt SO lost my entire vacation...like I was constantly forgetting something.  Almost as bad as feeling like I'd left my children at home...which I guess I had, in a way.

But probably the two biggest rituals in our house...Christmas ornaments.  It was what I had wanted to do for my boys before they were born...they would each get a Christmas ornament each year so that when they grew up and left home, they would have a personal collection to take with them.  So I haven't given up on that.  I bought two beautiful ornaments for them for their first Christmas.  I couldn't bring myself to buy the "baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, but I bought ones with their stats on them.  And I've already bought beautiful ornaments with their names for this Christmas.  Eventually I think they may need their own tree...and that's okay!  Whatever it takes.

The other ritual is the boys' birthday.  I plan on doing something special...releasing something special every year.  This year we did the lanterns.  Next year, hopefully we'll have a baby and can all do balloons.  And maybe butterflies some year.  I don't know.  Just something fun each year.  A ritual of celebrating their birthday and honoring them in some way.  We spent a lot of time at home this year on their birthday, but I'd really like to start a ritual of going somewhere or doing something else special, too.  Like hiking somewhere every year to release the balloons or butterflies or something.  I don't know.  Or family photos every September 3.  I'm still working on ideas.  I know I struggle with deciding on the best ways to honor my boys still.  I just feel like nothing will ever be good enough...still struggling with that...just as I struggled to pick their urns...to bring them home...it just became instinctual eventually.  I hope that will happen again when it comes to all this.