Capture Your Grief: Day 2: Identity

The picture above represents the two stuffed animals I purchased for my boys. Never could I have picked better animals to represent the completely different personalities of my boys even before I knew them.

Samuel, born first, my little monkey. Even before he was born, he was doing somersaults and kicking my bladder. Punching and kicking his brother. And after he was born, he would throw his arms and feet around. And he was feisty. A true fighter. Born at 1lb, 6oz and 12.5" long, he was a lot of little boy packed into a tiny little body. He looked just like his daddy, cow licks and all. Never could any little boy look more like my husband. There was no doubt in my mind they were related. I have memorized every feature of him over and over, hoping I will never forget a thing. His name...Samuel Earl. His daddy picked his first name a long time ago and it also happens to be Cam's great grandfathers name. His middle name a strong family name on both sides of our family. 

There was never a calmer, more peaceful little boy than my Andrew. He definitely did not want to be born as early as he was. He fought his way out, but he was so calm. A true little lamb. Never too wiggly and so peaceful. I didn't get to know his personality nearly as we'll as Samuel, but he was truly a cute little boy. I like to think he looked much more like me than his daddy. But his eyes never opened. The only personality I learned was his personality while he was inside me. Born smaller than his brother at 1lb 2oz and 10.75", he definitely had a lot to make up. 4oz doesn't seem like a lot and really holding them I didn't notice the difference. What I did notice was the difference in how sick they were. Andrew was just so sick. I think that's a lot of the reason he was so calm. I would love to know if he would have ended up being my wild child eventually, but I will never know. His name didn't come as easily as his brother. Originally he was supposed to be Adam, but we changed our minds and brainstormed names for quite a few nights before coming up with Andrew. But now I know there was no better name for my little boy. His middle name, Thomas, also did not come as easily. We picked it just days before the boys were born. But it fits. His uncle has the same middle name and it is his grandfathers first name. The name just rolls off the tongue perfectly. 

My boys, their names, their identities, are perfect to me and nothing and no one will ever replace them. Their names and remembering them bring tears to my eyes every time. Nothing is greater than your mommy's and daddy's love for you, Samuel and Andrew.