As we approach 1 year

I know I haven't posted a lot lately...and I know I meant to.  It's been hard.  This past week...everything about it is a reminder.  We're hitting 1 year of everything.  1 year ago Monday I was in the hospital the first time. 1 year ago tomorrow (Friday), I was admitted to the hospital with a strong likelihood of delivery.  And 1 year ago Tuesday, my world was turned upside down.

We have so many good things coming in our lives right now it's hard to be sad, and I've been trying to educate myself to remain positive.  To have a positive outlook.  To smile.  To be happy because I was given the gift of two beautiful, perfect little boys one year ago.  I look at pictures of them though and my heart aches.  I miss them so much.  I fantasize about how we would be celebrating what a miraculous year it would have been if they were still here.

And I thought I had this idea of what I was going to do on their birthday...and I still do...but I feel like I've let them down.  I haven't planned anything big or exciting...any great way to honor them. The memory boxes aren't coming together as I'd hoped and I know some of our family and friends have been helping with the random acts of kindness...but I'm just so lost.  I don't feel like any of it is enough.

What I am thankful for is that losing my boys introduced me to a whole new world in good ways, too.  I have these amazing friends that are not the same friends I had a year ago.  Very few people stuck by my side...it's the new friends that have come out of the woodwork that I know will be forever friends.  And though I'm sad at losing the old friends, I'm happy that the new ones are there and so lucky to call them my friends.  I left a job where I just couldn't seem to find a happy place.  I dreaded going to work.  The commute of course didn't help.  But now I love my job.  I love going to work.  I feel like what I do matters and I feel like I'm respected for what I do and my opinions.  There is this large sense of self worth that comes from that.  That makes me want to do better every single day.

And my relationship with my husband...as if infertility weren't stressful enough on a marriage, add in loss.  That will really put you through the ringer.  Though we may not get along or be happy every day, I'm so lucky to have him.  We are closer now than we've ever been and I love him more than I did when we met 10 years ago.  He's pretty awesome.

Life in general is good...it's just hard not to think that it couldn't be better if they were here.