It seems as though every where I turn, there is someone announcing that they are pregnant. I've probably said this before, but I will say it again. I have a really hard time when someone tells me they are pregnant. I really should just get over it, but truly there is no better word to explain it but jealousy.
I find it much easier to be happy for people that I personally feel have thought out their decision to have a child and that I think are bringing that child into a loving, supportive, and healthy environment. If that's not what's happening, I admittedly struggle. And of course you notice how I said, "I think" and "I feel"? That's because I know I am making assumptions. However, there are some obvious signs for some that anyone who looks would know that the environment isn't a good one for a child.
There are of course those I can feel happy for. The healthy, loving and supportive relationships and environments. Those are still hard. I still get jealous, but at the same time, I can deal with it. Those annoucements though, they are the ones that I need you to give me time. Most times, I can say congratulations, I'm happy for you. But I also probably will block your status updates on Facebook for awhile until I can get over my own shortcomings of jealousy. I also detach myself a bit for awhile. I may not be able to come to your baby shower, and I still have difficulties shopping in the kids section at the store from time to time, but I am happy for you. I'm not lying. I am still, though, jealous.
I am even happier still to hear when a couple with infertility finally conceives. Those are the ones that I might still block on Facebook, but I'll still go to your profile now and again and check out what's going on. Or I may message you and ask how you are doing. But I'm still struggling with that jealousy inside that you were able to do something that I continue to have a hard time doing.
Even happier still am I for the couples who have lost to announce a pregnancy. Because you've been where I am. You know what the pangs of jealousy are like when people don't know what that pregnancy means. You're facing the fears that I someday hope to face. I'm hoping you'll be my mentor through any future pregnancy I may have because I'll need to know how you did it. I'll probably not block you on Facebook, because if something doesn't go as planned, I want to know. Because I want to jump to your side as soon as I can to lend an ear or a shoulder to help you through.
But the ones that I can relate the most to and that I will spend the most time talking to and checking in with...they are the infertile couples who have also suffered a late term loss. Because you are in the same boat I am or will be. I can't wait to be there!!! But you are the ones who will cry with me each month my meds don't work. Or will be my shoulder if I have a miscarriage or another loss. You are the group that can get it better than anyone else.
All that being said, a lot of these feelings were there before losing Samuel and Andrew. The only new feelings are the ones related to loss. The jealousy and frustration with people, that was all there before. It's just stronger now. More difficult. But I love children. Even if I can't hold or look at your child because it may hurt too badly one day vs. another, I still care. I still want what you are so lucky to have. But most of all, I want you to know that. YOU ARE LUCKY!! I would not wish this pain, frustration, or road on anyone. It's a lifetime of pain that I am facing and I know it and there is no one that deserves it. I don't deserve it and neither do you. So just know to thank your lucky stars for what you have every day because next to you may be someone wishing they had it, too.
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