Discouraged

There is no better word to describe how I feel right now.  For those who we did not share this with, we have been waiting for the past 4 weeks to hear whether a birth mother who was shown our profile chose us.  We were contacted by our agency for the FIRST time in 6 months with an opportunity.  The birth mom seemed like a great match and we had our profile shown to her.

Today we found out she didn't choose us.  After waiting 4 weeks, we knew it was a STRONG possibility, but it's still disappointing.  It's also just another reminder of the fact that after 5 years of hoping and trying, we still don't have a family while we watch everyone around us get what we have wanted for so long.

Though I know we have so much going and that another opportunity will come and that eventually we will have the right child come our way, it doesn't stop the emotions from flowing.  I'm jealous.  Of all the people who don't even have to think twice about what it means to get pregnant.  Of all the people who have 1, 2, 3+ kids without caring at all about those around them who don't have it so easy.  Of all the people who just can LOOK at each other and boom, they're pregnant.  I'd be lying if I didn't throw that out there.  I'm hurt and jealous.

I wonder if our profile was good enough.  Everyone we share it with tells us it looks great...but what about our profile did this birth mom not like?  Are we not wealthy enough?  Is our house not big and pretty enough?  Are we too young looking?  Did we say something that was offensive?  But at the same time, maybe it took her so long because she kept coming back to us and another couple.  We'll never know.  All I know is that for now, it's just another disappointment.

I get my hopes up.  And I know that's a downhill slope.  But I can't make it from one day to the next without doing so.  I need to hope that eventually we'll have a baby.  And I was really hoping this was our shot.  It's just another reminder of how hard and long we've tried and still not been able to get there.  I desperately want to be a mom.  So badly that it HURTS.  And I know I'm a mom.  I do.  But I don't feel like it.  I'm not raising my babies.  I'm parenting them, but not in the way that everyone around me gets to parent their kids.  Why can't *I* have that?

So today, I'm frustrated, disappointed, and discouraged.  Tomorrow is a new day and I'm sure it will be fine.  I just need to feel those emotions today because it sucks.  It sucks to feel rejected and passed over.  To feel just one more loss in a series of losses.  To get your hopes up only to have them crushed every single time...