It's been awhile since I posted and honestly, it's because I haven't known what to write about...but I've been wondering about a lot of things lately...
I really wonder most about what my life would be like if the boys were here. If I were raising them. If my life were filled with diapers and feedings and playtimes. If I got home from work and had to take care of two active little boys. If I would have the time to relax with all the laundry and cleaning...
Maybe this is more of a what if post again...but I think I also know deep down in my heart that I will always wonder these things.
I really wonder what it would be like to be a mom. You can tell me all you want that I am a mom, but I don't feel like one. You get to hold your babies. Kiss them, love them, take care of them. I'm still trying to pick up the pieces and take care of myself. But I do know that there's always going to be two puzzle pieces missing. For the rest of my life, I will be an incomplete puzzle. It's not like losing my grandmother...there's a piece missing from that loss, too, but it's not the same. It's like another piece was kind of jammed into place, but doesn't quite fit. With the boys, no piece will ever be jammed into their missing spot.
I wonder what my pregnancy would have been like if I'd been 8 months pregnant. I wonder what my birth experience would have been like. I wonder all the time about how different my life would be if they were here.
All that isn't to say that I don't look forward. I wonder about how I'm going to feel if I'm ever pregnant again. I wonder if doctors will take me seriously when I tell them I never get migraines and I have one. If they'll listen when I say I can't drink water without heartburn. If they'll actually listen. I wonder if I'll be scared every minute. I wonder if I'll have a happy delivery. I wonder if I will have another NICU experience...
I wonder if losing my boys will taint how I parent in a bad way. I know all the good ways it may help, but what if there's bad ways, too? I wonder if I will look at my future children and picture my boys. I wonder if my future children filling my void of wanting to be a mom will ever help me feel somewhat whole again. I know two pieces will always be missing, but will I truly feel even close to whole? Will I remember not to take one minute for granted?
Will I be a good mom despite my missing pieces?
You will probably always wonder how your life would be different...I still wonder and I think I always will.
ReplyDeleteYou are and will be an amazing mom when you have babies that you get to hold and kiss and love. Sometimes I wonder if we are "spoiling" Cohen, but honestly, I'm okay with it if he's a little spoiled (I prefer well loved). When you have more babies, you are going to appreciate the little things more and you know what true gifts children are. You might take a few minutes for granted, but you will KNOW what little treasures you have and how blessed you are :) I can't wait to see where your journey takes you and your boys will be so proud of you :)