I don't remember if I've typed about this...but I'm finding it easier to write and talk about my loss(es) without crying incessantly every time. I guess that's what time heals...the ability to think about it without crying. I think about it all the time, but the not crying is new. It doesn't mean I never cry...it just means it's easier to control the tears....
I think it's hard for people to understand that with the loss of my sons comes so many other losses. And they are different for each person, but I feel as though I've lost a lot...
Not having a baby shower. That may seem like a little thing, but it's not. As much as I'm glad not to have all kinds of twin things and as much as I'm glad that I will get to have a baby shower that will hopefully be for a baby I get to bring home, I don't have that memory. I don't have that memory of spending that time with my family enjoying the idea of the boys coming home and talking and laughing. And honestly, no future baby shower will match or heal the fact that I didn't have one for the boys. Not to say that it will not be fabulous and beautiful and everything I've ever dreamed...but it's not the same. It's just not. It never can be.
There's the loss of being able to enjoy a pregnancy. No matter what I say, I do WANT to enjoy every minute and not stress, but I know myself...I know I will be an anxious mess inside. It's just the way it is. I will get through it and I WILL enjoy it...I will take pictures from day one of my growing belly. I will savor every moment...but that doesn't mean that a future pregnancy won't come with stress. I'm trying to find a doctor that will support my neurosis in the future right now. I KNOW I will enjoy each moment, but at the same time I know I will be stressing about the outcome, too.
I lost the chance to be a mom to twins. Our chances of having twins (safely) again is next to nothing. And the chances of adopting twins is pretty miniscule, too. I desperately want it, but I know it's just not likely or likely to have a good outcome. I stressed about having twins and I really wanted to know that I would have two separate pregnancies, and that our children would have their own separate childhoods. I love the baby stage, and I wanted to enjoy it separately. BUT I so wanted to be a twin mom. As I met more multiple moms, I learned how exciting and wonderful it would be. I knew it would be hard work, but I knew I could do it. And I had started to dream about that. I lost that opportunity, it feels like. It feels like I lost my ONE opportunity to be a twin mom and raise twins. And twin boys...I have always wanted sons.
I'm scared that not only have I lost the chance to raise twins, but boys. I fear that I will never have another boy and I so desperately WANT one. I feel this need to be a mom to a boy. And I still want it so badly. I guess I just have to put my trust in life's course and know that if that's what's meant to be, it will be. But I don't think I will EVER be happy until we have a boy (Hear that, hubby? I may make us keep trying 'til we have a boy! Ha!).
I've lost the hopes and dreams that I had for my boys. Everything we had dreamed of. The Christmases, the birthdays, the camping trips, the sports games. Everything that I had wanted for those two boys died with them. I had hoped for one of my boys to be a military boy and the other to be a smartie pants who would do wonderful and beautiful things. I don't know why, but that's just what I pictured. And nothing says our future children won't do those things, but that's what I had dreamed of for these children and it died with them.
Most of all, I've lost my innocence. The thought that life is this beautiful thing and that bad things only happen to bad people. As if that was realistic, but until something like this happens, you don't think it could ever happen to you. And now I fear it will happen to anyone I know that's pregnant. Or that it will happen to me again if I get pregnant again. I've lost the innocence that every pregnancy ends with a beautiful baby. Reading other stories, I know that even making it to full term is no guarantee. You don't read those stories or you don't believe them until you KNOW it can happen to you. Losing my childhood friends in freak accidents wasn't a wake up call enough. This was my wake up call that innocence dies. I'm only 26, but I feel about 66. Like life has aged me well beyond my years.
There are so many other losses and things to mourn...but these are just a few...my life is never going to be the same again. But it is what it is...life is just what it is. I will find my way through and I will make it. I am making it...one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time.....
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