Alone

Let me first say that I don't mean this to at all be about anyone specific...it's about my feelings in general right now.  Probably mostly ungrounded, but I just need to get it out there...  This isn't a pity party...just need to get my feelings out because I just don't feel like I have anywhere else to turn with them right now...

A few months ago, talking to an college roommate, she mentioned another friend (and roommate) of ours who I haven't talked to a lot lately.  The friend lost a sibling while we were in college.  She said that she felt that reaching out to me to rekindle a friendship that hasn't been present for awhile would be unfair to me because she remembers all the people that reached out to her and then disappeared in her grief journey.  I appreciated that and thought it was kind despite not really understanding it.  Recently, I've noticed exactly what she was talking about...

I feel like just about everyone I started this journey with has checked out.  My sons' names no longer roll off of people's tongues.  Like they are afraid to mention that they existed for fear of upsetting me.  Like I don't think about it every second of every single day.  It seems like most people are acting like it never even happened.  It happened...and I relive it every day.

I don't live that way.  I live every single day in their memory.  Everything I do is in their memory.  They are my reason for living because I need to ensure that they aren't forgotten.  But to others, I feel like maybe they are.  Say their names.  Tell me you thought about them.  Tell me that it's okay to cry still...

And really, I do know that they aren't forgotten...it's just that when people don't say their names, don't talk to me about how I'm REALLY doing (or do but then don't act like they really care), I don't feel like what I'm going through is really being recognized or respected.

I don't know really how else to word that.  I feel like people expect me to just move on and they've moved on.  I've felt very alone lately.  It doesn't help that I spend a lot of time alone because of the nature of Cam's job, I guess.  But I just feel like everyone else's lives have strangely moved forward at lightening speed and I'm still stuck in the mud...taking one laboring step forward at a time.  I'm lonely.  I'm feeling very alone in this journey.

What sucks the most is that the majority of the people that have lent the strongest and most beneficial support aren't a quick trip away.  And honestly, the few that are close enough for a drive, I usually put the effort in to go see.  It's exhausting.  I think I've run out of energy to put effort into friendships lately.  I'm tired and lonely.  I know that to an extent I need to put some effort in to not feel that way, but for once, I'd really like someone else to do it for me.  Cam will be the first to tell you that I'm usually the person in the friendship that puts in all the effort to visit or plan something.  For once I don't want to be that person. For once, I'd really like to feel like someone wants to be friends with me badly enough to put in the effort.

I need people to recognize that just because we're in month 7 from what happened doesn't mean that I'm whole again...

I know people don't often know what to say, but say their names.  Tell me you think of them.  Tell me you think of me.  Say anything.  Just please don't ignore me...don't pretend it didn't happen.  Ask me how I'm doing and really mean it, and know that I will be honest if I'm open to a discussion about it at that moment.

Know that I cry and think of them every day.  Saying their names doesn't remind me.  I'm reminded when I go home to an empty house.  When I go to work and don't have to worry about when I'm getting home because there's nothing waiting for me but a house full of furry babies.

Just please don't forget my babies.