27

I turned 27 yesterday.  I'm no where near where I thought I would be in my life at 27.  I haven't done the things I wanted to do by 27.  And honestly, the biggest thing I wanted was to be a mom by this point.  And though I am a mom...I still never feel like one because I'm not RAISING my children.  I think we set goals for ourselves.  "By 30 we'll be raising two kids."  That was the goal that Cam and I had set.  Goals are good.  They give life purpose because you're working toward something.  But sometimes I know that I focus more on the end result than the journey.  So I guess this year, my biggest goal for 27 is to focus on the journey.

I lose sight a lot.  I look at how I'm not getting to the end result and how slow it is to get there.  Hello, we're working on year 4 just to have one child (for keeps)...how are we ever going to get to 2 kids at this rate?!  I have that problem with my fitness and weight loss goals, too.  Because I don't see an immediate result, I get frustrated.  I either give up or I get mad.  I get mad and cry.  I take it out on my husband and the people around me.  I can't do that.

So my biggest goal is to focus on now.  To focus on the steps to the final outcome and let the end result be a faint reminder every once and awhile of what the journey is for.  But I also promise to continue to let myself have bad days.  To let myself cry.  And to let myself miss my babies.

10 months.  That's how long it's been since they were born.  And 10 months today since I held my Andrew for the last time.  It hurts.  I hurt all over from the inside out.  I ache to hold each of my boys just one more time...but I know that one more time would turn into never letting them go...  But they are part of my journey.  They are part of their future siblings' journey.  They are part of me.  Always will be.  Now here's hoping that this time next year, their little sister or brother will be here with me...that's my dream for 28...to have my rainbow for keeps.