This week has been rough. I can't tell you exactly why, but I think that hormones probably have something to do with it. Being a girl sucks, but I'm hoping that the crazy hormones mean that maybe for once my body is doing what it's supposed to. Maybe for once I can hope for things to go a little more naturally this time around....
But that's not what I'm writing about right now...I'm writing about what my hormones have done to my patience this week surrounding Facebook...
I love Facebook. Don't get me wrong. I was really excited when I was in college and Facebook opened up to colleges outside of the US (I went to school in Quebec). I got all my roommates on board and we started creeping our classmates and spending hours laughing over it. I look at Facebook now and think back to then and realize that it's SO much bigger and crazier than it was back then. I can't get over how insanely different it is.
With that different, I've really come to despise Facebook. Instead of a networking site, it's become an outlet for so many people. Their way to play this little game of "who's life sucks more." I'm sick of the drama. I don't miss my childhood because I don't miss that drama. I get sick of my work 4 out of 5 days because I'm over the petty drama. Seeing it on Facebook is just annoying. I'm over it. I want to be an adult, not a child. If all us adults are going to use Facebook, let's still act like adults. It feels like Facebook brings out the teenager in all the adults in my life. I'm over it.
I freaked out because pregnant bellies happened to show up in my newsfeed the one of very few times I chose to actually look through my newsfeed. I know that people's lives go on and they are allowed to be happy, don't get me wrong. But that struck a nerve. I love looking at pictures of my friends kids, but pregnancy bugs me. And really, not all my pregnant friends. My beautiful friend Jana over at Keeping up with the Kimmels is expecting right now and I wait for her updates. I'm so excited for her and my heart is skipping a beat waiting to hear if she makes it past the point of her pregnancy where Carter and Cohen were born. I do want to know.
The people that bother me are the ones who take it for granted. That complain every minute about how much being pregnant sucks. You chose to get pregnant, ENJOY IT. Someone else would DIE to be in your spot. I promise all my readers I will be a nervous wreck in a future pregnancy if I have one. But I also promise that I will enjoy every minute. I will relish it all. I have so many plans for a next pregnancy if it happens...so many. Last time I didn't take pictures of my growing belly before 14 weeks because I was a nervous wreck. I didn't want the photos in case something happened. Now I wish I had them. Future pregnancy, the moment I find out I'm pregnant, I will take weekly photos. I will journal and write down every memory. I will enjoy every moment, no matter the outcome.
The other pregnant couples that bother me are the ones that aren't putting the needs of even their unborn child before their own. I feel so strongly that if you can't take care of yourself, financially, emotionally, whatever that is, that you are putting your needs above the needs of your unborn child. A child deserves everything. You can't give him/her all your attention and love if you have your own insecurities and emotional insecurities. You can't give him/her the material things he/she needs if you can't financially support yourself. When you're in this circumstance and you get pregnant, I consider you selfish. I don't want to hear about how shitty your life is when that child is whining and crying and you can't afford diapers because you didn't get off your butt and get a job. And, here's another one of my soap boxes, cover your eyes if you're not interested...I have to PAY to get pregnant because insurance companies don't think getting pregnant is worthy of being covered. I do NOT want to have to pay precious money to the government because you irresponsibly got pregnant (and I don't mean necessarily accidentally I mean even planned at a time that was selfish, see above). It is not MY job to work so that YOU can have children when I can afford my own children and can't have them. How about your tax dollars pay for me to get pregnant for a change? That will never fly, so why does my tax dollars paying for your irresponsibility fly?
Now don't get me wrong, I am okay with people using the system for windows of time where life gets tough. There are definitely times that happens. But if you're not trying to better yourself and stop using the system, then I have no shame in criticizing you. It's not fair. But I guess life isn't fair and it's just that my life is handing me the unfair cards. A break soon would be nice though. Just putting that out there. Maybe this is my insecurity. I don't know. But I can tell you that I do NOT plan on taking my next pregnancy for granted. I plan on relishing every minute. If our first child comes through adoption, I also plan on relishing every moment with that child. I think any of my friends would say that it will mean that my child's life will be photographed like crazy. Yup, that will probably happen. That's who I am. That's the way I hold onto my memories. Photos are everything to me.
The last thing I have to say...photos on Facebook. I have close to 100 or more photos of my boys. About 8 made it to Facebook. The rest were kept private for family and friends that we chose to share the link to the page with. I don't plan on sharing all the pictures I have with anyone beyond our immediate family. Cam and I have talked a lot about keeping our children's photos private. Future children will have a photo here or there on Facebook, but the majority of pictures will be kept private on a password protected site. Due to Cam's profession and for our children's privacy, we just feel like keeping photos more private is safer for us. It's a protective thing. All of this is about protecting our children. And especially with an adoption, if it's closed, we will be VERY careful about where and how pictures of our little one are shared so as to avoid the awkwardness of his/her biological parent possibly trying to contact him/her. It's another one of our insecurities, I guess!
Anyways...I just need to put a lot of this out there...again, I've been pretty hormonal this week...I went all crazy on my friend list and moved a lot of people to limited visibility of my profile and unfriended people who have not been supportive or loving during the past few months. At this point, I'm going to stick with being friends with people who love and support us and shed the others. It's time to shed the so-called "friendships" that have not been supportive and loving. It's time. My hormones are telling me to just do it, so I am. I'm sorry if you were hurt by that choice in my process, but please know that I have a reason. Reach out to me and ask if you're wondering, but know that it was not meant to hurt. It was meant as self-preservation. That's the only thing I have control over right now and I plan on continuing to do it until I don't need to anymore.
Hey friend,
ReplyDeleteThis was very well written and I have thought so many of the same things. When you've gone through something like you have, it really makes you take a good hard look at what matters, what is worth your time and energy and what isn't. And I think it's okay to step away from the things that aren't helping you in your journey. It's interesting how something like this can really make you take re-evaluate your friendships and relationships. I was surprised by some of the friends I thought I had who seemingly walked away from us during our time of greatest need and also by those who stepped up to support us. Makes you realize who your true friends are.
There were (and are) many, many days where I just had to repeat to myself that people just.don't.know. You have a different view on life and being thankful for what you have because you know what it's like to have it taken away from you. Other people just don't and probably can't get it because they haven't been there. Not that it's an excuse to not be thankful for what they have, but they just don't have the same perspective.
Ok, I didn't mean to write a novel, but I just know I have been where you are and had SO many of the same thoughts and feelings. Hang in there, and tell those hormones to settle down ;)