The "What Ifs"

I know I shouldn't ask myself these questions...there's nothing that will change things now.  I know that in my head...it's just that how can you not?  I need to get these out because I feel like if I don't say them, that they'll just rattle around in my head forever.  I know there are no answers.  No one can solve any of this.  I just don't know how to make the questions stop...

What if I didn't have PCOS?
What if we hadn't done IVF?
What if we'd only transferred one embryo?
What if I hadn't had ovarian hyperstim?
What if I hadn't had the paracentesis procedures for my hyperstim?
What if I had remembered my prenatal vitamin ALL the time?
What if I had eaten healthier?
What if I hadn't had gestational diabetes?
What if I didn't have Factor V Leiden?
What if I had managed my GD diet sooner?
What if the nurse had gotten back to me about my GD diet sooner?
What if I hadn't worked such long days and hours?
What if I had forced myself on bed rest instead of pushing myself so far?
What if I hadn't moved the stupid laundry baskets when I was frustrated that Cam hadn't done it?
What if I had exercised during my pregnancy instead of sleeping all the time?
What if I hadn't started taking the heart burn medications?
What if the doctors hadn't given me all the meds to try to resolve my abdominal pain?
What if I had stayed pregnant just a bit longer.......

If I had done all these things would my boys have lived?  I just wish I could have kept them safe longer!  It was my only job....to keep them safe in my body as long as possible...40 weeks even!  It was my job and I couldn't do it for them.  I know it's not my fault. I know it's my body, but I can't help it.  I feel like I should have done more.  I was their Mom!  I was supposed to take care of them.  That was my most important job being pregnant!  And an even more important job once they were here...

What if Andrew hadn't fought his way out of my belly? Would he have not been so bruised and maybe the bruising led to his acidosis?
What if we had focused more on Andrew from the beginning knowing he were sicker? It felt like they were always working on him when we went to visit, so we always turned to Sam...
What if I had gone to see them more those first few days? Would they have felt my love stronger because I was just outside their isolettes? Could my love have been enough to keep them strong...
What if Andrew hadn't died?  Would his presence in the isolette next to Sammy have kept Sammy stronger? Would they have been able to keep each other strong and alive?  What if they could have been closer to each other...in the same isolette? Would that have helped them?  I can't imagine being torn out of a safe warm place where you feel the presence of your sibling and being thrown into a box where you don't know where your brother is...
What if we hadn't chosen the dexa for Sammy?  Would his lungs have healed anyways? Would his heart then been able to pump the blood to his body that it so desperately needed?
What if we had pushed to have his PDA fixed on one of his good days?
What if they hadn't put him on all the antibiotics?
What if we had pushed for surgery for Sammy's bowels? Were they really the problem?
What if I hadn't held him the two days before he died? Was all the moving that we did the reason he got so sick so fast?
What if we hadn't changed his ventilator?  What if we had changed him back to the jet after things got bad?
What if.....

Nothing I can do now can change any of that...I just can't help but ask the questions.  Some we may get some small answers to after Sammy's autopsy, but it's not going to bring him back, so is it really worth knowing?  Do I want to know that the doctors missed the pnemonia antibiotic and that that's what killed him?  I don't even know the answer to those questions...I don't know the answers to anything....the biggest question I have is why.  Why did this happen to us? Why can't life be fair?  And those questions can never be answered...

I feel like I lost a big chunk of my heart.  I feel like I'm never going to be whole again.  I feel like I lost out on this wonderful and beautiful opportunity to be a mom.  On top of that, being a twin mom was such a joy and seemed like something SO special and I feel like I lost out on that beautiful opportunity, too.  Missed opportunities...I don't know that opportunity is the right word.  Because was it really an opportunity if it was never really in my reach anyways?  I just don't know...I feel like all the questions rattle in my brain all the time...and I feel like because the answers are so far out of my reach that I can never find resolution or relief.............