The Others

I wasn't going to post this and I was going to journal it, but I just don't care...tonight has just pushed me to the edge...

The one downside of David's House is that you're not allowed to have food in your room, but you have cabinet and refrigerators space in the kitchen.  You're not allowed to leave the kitchen with any food, so I'm trying to respect that...which means even if I want a stupid cookie, I have to sit in the kitchen and eat it.  Fine, whatever, but I just want to eat...I don't want to socialize with the people that tend to hang out in the kitchen.  I understand the idea is to get you to bond and socialize with people so that you can find something in common and find a mutual comfort in sharing your stories....

Two problems with that...firstly, my son is the youngest of all the people I have met (or well, overheard) in this house...by a LOT.  And he's also the sickest.  Let's not even try to compare a 32 weeker who is already in the carpet side to my 24 weeker who will be on the tile side for weeks to come and hasn't even started to get better.  To clarify, the tile side is the critical care versus the carpet side which is a little less so.  I dunno...I just don't see that I can find any solace in talking to moms whose kids are actually getting better...  To top it off, none of the women I just "met" in the kitchen can be older than 21-22.  I know that that's not that much younger than me, but most of them are talking about baby daddy not being in the picture at all.  Oh, and let's not forget them bitching about state assistance.  Yup, that's right friends, they don't even support themselves.  And another thing, pretty sure most of them I have seen outside smoking.  This group isn't even the beginning of the people I've seen in the ICN that have smoking or (what appears to be) drug problems.

It makes me so mad.  I did NOTHING to get here.  I took care of myself.  I stopped drinking all alcohol and caffeine before we even started the fertility drugs.  I took my prenatal vitamins. I never missed an appointment.  I did everything I was supposed to.  I had no control over delivering my boys this early.  And to top it off, I couldn't even conceive them by accident (yes, ladies and gentleman, these girls were also talking about their babies being unplanned...).  I just can't get over how unfair this all feels.  I can tell myself over and over again that this was meant to be.  That this was what life's plan was for us.  That we'll be stronger as a couple and a family because of this.  That doesn't make the pain and the frustration...the hurt, and the sorrow...it doesn't make any of that go away.  I will always be a mom who lost one of her sons.  I was supposed to have two healthy babies...I was supposed to have a baby shower and be pregnant and happy.  I wanted maternity pictures to show off my happy round belly.  This was supposed to be a happy occasion. We were supposed to have congratulations coming to us...not I'm sorrys.  Everything seems so overshadowed...I just want to be happy and enjoy being a mom.  Instead, I'm a stressed mess and can't even relish the fact that I'm a mom because I'm scared that I won't have anything to show for it...I don't know if my remaining son is going to live.  We haven't "turned the corner" yet.  I'm sick of being scared...and that's an understatement, I'm terrified.  I'm jealous of all the moms who, okay, their babies are sick, but they can hold them any time they want still.  I know from what everyone has told me to not compare our situations to others in the ICN, but it's hard...you can't help it...

I just want happy news...I want to feel like things will get better...I wish we lived closer to the hospital and my anxiety weren't so bad and that I could go home and not feel like it were too far away from Sammy...I wish he could come home with me sooner rather than in three months...I just wish things had happened so differently...I know I can't change it and there's nothing I could have done, but no amount of telling myself that makes this better...it doesn't make it easier.  All the other crap in our life that has happened doesn't compare to this battle.  This one takes the cake.  Who knew you could love someone so much and be so scared.............