I find I need a distraction until I'm tired enough to sleep so I thought I might spill here for a few minutes in hopes it will make me tired enough to close my eyes without seeing my precious babies. Not that I don't want to dream about them but right now when I close my eyes I see a sick little baby boy and I'm not strong enough in this moment to not be scared.
Tonight's visit with Sammy was tainted by a doctor who just didn't seem to have much compassion for our current situation. All day Sammy has been gripping our fingers hard and hanging on. It's been wonderful. But this doc comes in and tells us all touch is causing his O2 levels to fluctuate and tries to instruct us on touching our son. Not our first day in the NICU idiot. I dunno...our week day doctor has confidence in this doctor so I do but it doesn't make hearing what he has to say easier.
Our first day without focusing on two babies seems to have gone well. But right now all I can see in my head when I close my eyes is my baby's lifeless body. It's been just over 24 hours since we said goodbye and I still can't wrap my head around it...part of me still can't wrap my head around being a Mom even. It doesn't seem fair that I'm not holding my babies tight tonight and comforting them. Or talking to them in my belly where they would be safe and sound...
I'm so overwhelmed by far too many emotions right now I should probably get sleep so I can think clearly....
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