I've really been avoiding going out of the house much lately. I know that we have the full support of our family, friends, and community, but I just can't bring myself to go out in public. I feel like what if I see someone who knows? I don't want to talk about what happened. I don't want to hear more I'm sorrys. I don't want to get the sad, pitied looks. I don't want to be looked at as the mom who lost her babies. I just don't want to feel like that. And then I dread seeing someone who doesn't know yet. Someone saying "oh you look great for being pregnant" or "how are your boys doing?" I'm terrified of hearing anything like that. I just know I can't keep it together enough to deal with anything like any of that. I'm scared that, living in such a small town, a town I grew up in my whole life, I will see someone who will feel the need to say something. I'm not ready for any of that. To be honest, I'm utterly and terribly scared that I will never be ready.
I know I have to go back to normal life soon...and I know I will need to go back to work next month. I just can't imagine my life ever being back to normal. I don't even know if I will be ready to go out in public or go back to work in a month, six months, or a year...I just know I have to find a way to. I have no idea how, but I will have to find a way...
I am a completely different person than I was a month ago. All the things that mattered to me before, they don't matter any more. I'm just all around different. I have always been an outgoing person. I've always thrived in social situations. Now I want to just hole myself up in my house and stay busy cleaning, organizing, and putting my home back together. I guess that's probably my way of trying to put my life back together. I don't know how I will ever put my life back together. I will always feel like something is missing. There is no way that I can make that go away. There always WILL be something missing, two somethings, two little boys.
I avoid phone calls. I can't stand to pick up the phone and have a conversation with someone. I'm afraid I'll break down crying and won't be able to stop. I'm able to keep myself composed most of the time, so by picking up the phone and breaking down, I feel like I just know that that's when I'll lose it when I would have kept it together otherwise. I can't bear to let myself lose it more than I already do... I will text, e-mail, and FB message friends and family though. I just know that if I lose it, I can still keep talking via text or whatever. Not that the people that are calling me are people I would mind hearing my tears...I'm just not ready to put myself in a situation where the tears will fall if I can help it.
I want to want to see people. I want to have lunch with the friends who are asking me. I want to want to see the friends that keep offering to keep me company. I just can't. I don't know why. I don't know what I need to make that happen. I just know that I am content crying by myself or with Camden right now. I stay more composed, the less contact I have with other people. It's not that I don't cry or that I don't think about it...it's just that it's easier to deal with without someone trying to talk me through it. I just need to cry...I just need to express myself without anyone saying anything. I just need my husband to hold me and cry with me. I just need to have the privacy to cry by myself sometimes. I don't know. I can't figure it out...
We did go with Cam's parents to check out some land for recreational property that they are looking at. That was good, and I enjoyed talking with Mom and joking around with Dad. It felt good to get out in that sense. After though I felt like I had forgotten everything for a few minutes, and I don't want to forget. I guess I kind of feel like I shouldn't be allowed to go on with a normal life when my boys weren't able to even have a normal life. I know that's wrong. I know I will get past thinking like that, but right now it's all I can think about...how they'll never have a life beyond the hospital. They never got to see their home. They didn't even get to meet most of their family. This is why short outings with family are the only things I can do right now...because I get home and feel like this... Anything more than that outing today and I would probably have a complete break down.
Maybe tomorrow we'll try some time at my parent's to see how that goes...I'm sure I will feel similarly when I get home, but I have to keep forcing myself to do it...it's the only way that I can see that I will ever get used to the feelings and accept them. I haven't accepted my feelings yet, let alone what happened. I know it will take awhile...I just keep telling myself that. There's nothing else I can do except let time help me work through everything. Keep myself healthy and busy and remind myself that it will take time. Maybe time will make it easier to get out of the house in general....we shall see.
Melanie, You are doing an amazing job of dealing with your grief and loss. You are smart and capable and have a wonderful heart, and I believe you have realized a very important need; time. Your body needs time to heal and your emotional self does, too. Giving yourself an outlet for feelings is helpful and sharing your thoughts in a tangible way can be very therapeutic; good for you that you have recognized and continued this through your grief. Now I encourage you to continue to give yourself time to work through the myriad emotional pieces you hold within you. The world needs to allow you to do that, and also to accept that it is an up and down process with no definite end. You will never forget your boys, nor should you. They are as real for you today as they were the moment you knew they were coming, and the moments they were delivered. I hope you will find that each day brings a measure of healing and that you continue to give yourself and Cam, too, the time you need to gently find your new normal. If you ever need my ear or hugs, you need only ask. I hold you both close in my heart.
ReplyDeleteEllen