Another and Plans

Today brought us the news that Camden's grandfather passed away last night.  Though he's been sick for awhile and living in the nursing home for the past few months, it didn't make the news any less overwhelming.  I feel like we have so many people to mourn right now it is SO overwhelming.  Andrew passed away three weeks ago, Samuel passed away three days ago...I feel like I'm not even giving Andy the mourning time he needs and I'm really just mourning Sam...and now to mourn the loss of a grandparent...it's just like I feel like I can't find enough time in my brain, my life to give each of them the time they deserve.  I don't know.  I know I can give them the time they deserve and I will find a way to mourn each.  Maybe three weeks has just given me the time to come to terms with Andy...I'm hoping maybe three more weeks will give me the time needed for Sam and Papa H.  I don't know.  After almost ten years with my husband (just over four married), Papa H has become as much my grandparent as my biological ones.  No matter how sick or how gone his mind was, it really doesn't make it easier.  Just like the fact that both Andrew and Samuel were so sick doesn't make them not being here with me any easier either......
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The boys' obituary was posted on the funeral home website: http://www.rickerfh.com/fh/obituaries/obituary.cfm?o_id=1652835&fh_id=11435 
It will also be in next week's Journal Opinion and Bridge Weekly and tomorrow's Caledonian Record.  We weren't originally going to do an obituary but everyone is asking what they can do to help, so we figured putting it out there for people to see would be beneficial for us.  In lieu of flowers, we wanted donations made to either the North Country Public Safety Foundation or the ICN at CHaD.  The first is the organization that helped us out a lot right after my discharge from the hospital.  I can't say enough that what they did for us was the most relieving thing and made things so much easier for us.  To top it off, they did a lot for a local family that meant a lot to me (high school friend), too.  Being members of a police/fire/EMS community that is so wonderfully supportive makes us so grateful.  The second is the Intensive Care Nursery.  If it weren't for that place, our boys wouldn't have even had a chance.

We went to the cemetery this morning.  At 26 years old, I never imagined picking out my final resting place would top the list.  It's such an oddity.  I can't even wrap my head around it.  We picked our plot in the cemetery the next town south of us.  It's a nice corner lot and the cemetery overlooks the beautiful river valley.  But again...not something I really pictured myself doing at 26.  It was strange...  The one solace is that Cam and I didn't even need to talk.  We both knew which of the four lots we were shown was the right one without a discussion.  Strange how I feel closer to him than I ever have.  We have talked more, cuddled often, and just been.  It's made me feel like there is hope for a future after all this.  He's the only thing keeping me going.

What was harder was yesterday's visit to the granite/monument people.  We walked around looking at stones, looking through books of pictures.  When I gave the salesman the names and birth/death dates of the boys, I could see his face fall.  He shook his head.  I could tell he couldn't believe it.  He couldn't understand it.  That is exactly how we feel.  I wanted to scream to him that this isn't fair!  I kept my face calm and I plastered my fake smile on my face.  I choked back my tears and I just said thank you when he said he was sorry for our losses.  The only thing we have left to do to get the stones ordered is to pick the artwork for the boys stones.  Sammy will have a monkey and Andy will have a lamb, we know that, just have to find the pictures to use and approve drafts for the stones. We likely won't get the stones 'til the end of next month...means we won't be able to have their burial until at least November.  As much as that's depressing, it almost makes it easier....I'm not ready to bury them...it's too final.  I can't let them go a third time.  This gives me an excuse to wait......

We still have to find their urns...it feels so impersonal to just choose to put the silly little teddy bear or rocking horse on their urns.  But then the urns are just going in the ground, right? :-S  I dunno.  I found some quotes...I think I'll probably choose those instead.  I don't know.  That's the last decision to really make.  That and finding our cremation jewelry.  I found one with little footprints on it that I can get engraved on the back. And Cam found one that's like a dog tag that he can get engraved.  Now to make the final decisions and order.  Ugh! Maybe getting my necklace and having their ashes in it will make me ready to bury the rest of their ashes...one could only hope, right?

No funeral, just a private burial.  I'm not even sure we want more than just our parents and Cam's brother there.  We can't decide.  And since we aren't religious, it's not like it's some big religious ceremony.  Right now the only things I want to do is read one poem and maybe release some balloons...I don't even know.  Any ideas welcome.......