Help Wanted

So many people have been asking how they can help.  I know some haven't been contacting us or anything because they don't know what to say or do.  I was reading the book that was given to us before we left the hospital, "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart," and came across the following and thought I'd share with the family and friends reading our blog.  I figured it'd be a good way for people to understand because it explains exactly what would be helpful, and I didn't know how else to put it into words better than this.

"It is common for bereaved parents and their friends to disengage from each other.  Parents often retreat if they sense that their grief is an imposition and then they notice their friends back off even further.  An irony about grief is that when you withdraw, you may need people's support more than ever, but people sense your withdrawal and leave you alone.  If you feel as though your friends and family have backed off, remember, they take cues from you.  Don't fall into thinking, "If they really loved me they would know what I need."  They can't read your mind.  Tell them how miserable you really are and how much you need to talk about the baby.  Instead of waiting for them to bring it up, you can initiate conversations about how painful this is and how much you miss your baby.

Here are some other suggestions you might try sharing with your friends.

• Tell them that you will cherish their sympathetic ears for listening, their shoulders for tears, their calls and their hugs.
• Let them know it's okay to ask questions.  After all, you need to talk about what happened.  If you cry, this means they asked a very good question.  Thank them for asking.
• Confess that you need specific detailed offers of help because you don't have the energy to assign tasks and you don't want to impose on anyone.  "Call if you need anything" is too intimidating to follow through on.  It's much easier to say "Yes" to "When it snows, can I shovel your walk?" or "How about I take your kids to the park tomorrow?" or "Can I drop off lasagna and fruit salad on Friday?"  Remind them that if offers are turned down, to make them again in a few days.
• Explain how you would rather have them bumble through with honest expressions of their feelings than avoid you, cheer you up, fix things or offer advice.  Reveal that the best words to hear are the very ones they are censoring as they desperately search for the perfect thing to say.  The best-and most honest-words are things like "I cant imagine how awful this is for you," or "I want to say the perfect thing to make you feel better but I'm not sure what that can possibly be," or "I'm so sorry your baby died."
• Ask them to use your baby's name and to acknowledge your baby on anniversaries and holidays.  Remind them that even if you get pregnant again, your focus may still be on teh baby who died.  Tell them that you'll appreciate their patience and support as you find your own way through grief."