Sammy the Micro Preemie

I had never really heard the term "micro preemie" until a friend delivered her son early last year also thanks to HELLP.  I could never really wrap my head around what the term meant.  Well, now I know.  My little "super Sam" as a friend has referred to him, is a micro-preemie.  He's so small.  I don't even know that until you come and see him in person that you can fathom how very small a 1lb 6.6 oz baby is.  And he is actually even less now as he lost some fluid weight.  As of yesterday, we were at 1lb 4.4oz, almost 2 full oz smaller.  Not that that's that much, but when you only weigh a pound, it adds up!

I don't even know how to explain to any mom who has had a remotely close to full term baby how small Sammy is.  Of course, I can't hold him, so it's not like even I fully understand how small he is other than the fact that I stare at him for HOURS.  We do have pictures of Cam's hand in with him and it's unbelievable.  There are no words to explain how unbelievable it is!

I am a proud Momma this morning...we haven't called or been to see him yet, but I'm just proud.  I am hopeful.  That is the first time I've been able to say that in a week.  I'm still a very nervous wreck, but even the annoying doctor came by last night and told us that Sammy is headed in the right direction.  It makes me confident that we did the right thing when we chose to start the steroids.  Even better, we were told that they are already weaning him off the steroids!! He was only on his "full" dosage for 3 doses and they started weaning him!! He receives the meds twice a day and we were told he would likely need it for at the very least 3 days and they are already weaning him off! I am so happy!

We were also told he got pulled off his blood pressure medication. Although he's had some highs and some lows, his blood pressure has been fairly consistent.  I won't be surprised if he has to go back on it, but for now he's holding his own. :)  On top of that, little did Momma know, but he's been getting TPN for the past few days, too.  GREAT news because it means we're one step closer to getting more breast milk!  His nurse yesterday told us that could even be as soon as later this week! Obviously very very little, but still! And he may even start lipids later this week, too.  Lipids are the fats that will help him gain a bit of weight.  More weight = closer to Momma getting to hold me.

Sammy will be 1 week old tonight, which means tomorrow he'll get his head ultrasound to make sure he doesn't have any bleeding on his brain.  However, with no signs or reason to believe he has one, I'm confident we'll be okay.  Especially since I received the steroids before they were born and he has been receiving them after, it is likely that this has helped prevent brain bleeds.  I'm not going to say I'm 100% sure he won't have one, but I'm very hopeful that he won't.

Let's see, what else did we find out yesterday...his blood sugars got a bit high yesterday, but no where near the spikes we saw right after he was born.  We're hoping that they can adjust his fluids to bring this down today.  It also could be relative to the way they were adjusting his ventilator yesterday.  And yes, ventilators...he was down to 76% O2 yesterday and had fairly good blood gases.  His blood acidity wasn't bad either.  All good things.

I'm starting to learn terminology and learning what questions to ask.  Thanks to so many NICU moms that have reached out to me or I have been put in touch with, I can start to understand and question my baby's care.  It makes me feel like I have some control over his care when I can't be the one providing it to him. 

I think that's the hardest part right now.  I know that there's nothing I could have done to have kept him in my belly longer, but at least then I had a way to care for him.  I have days here where I feel so out of control.  I feel like Sammy is the nurses' baby and not mine.  They are great about talking to me about him and don't mind when I make adjustments to his legs when he throws them out to the sides...or readjust his temperature probe when it starts to fall off.  Little things, but the only things right now that make me feel like he's MY baby and not property of the hospital he's confined to.  It's hard at times to feel like a Mom when I'm not holding or caring for my baby.  I was telling Cam last night that it's surreal to be a Mom right now because he's not here with me all the time.  Of course I know it's the best thing for him and will be for a long time, but it doesn't make it easier to wrap your head around.  We've been parents for a week.  I am someone's Mommy and Cam is that same someone's Daddy.  We are Sammy's Mommy and Daddy...I have to repeat it occasionally because it doesn't seem possible. 

A week ago we were just thinking about how much it would change us...no one can EVER describe the change to you in full detail so that you can wrap your head around it...becoming a parent is such a surreal experience.  We worry about him constantly! We haven't been able to go more than 2 miles from the hospital (for 5 minutes for a coffee, so not even a big feat) yet.  We are thinking we MAY get brave today, but we'll see!

Sammy - Mommy and Daddy love you very much.  Andy is your guardian angel and always will be, so make sure you don't forget it.  Hang in there because in another few months you'll be home safe and sound with us and celebrating your first Christmas! :)