One week today

I have debated writing this post for the past week, but since it's been one week ago tonight, I think I owe it to other NICU moms and to my son to talk a bit about his last night with us a bit more.

Andrew had been very sick from the beginning in comparison to his brother.  He needed the jet respirator right away and didn't even tolerate that very well.  He didn't want out and therefore came out bruised from the doctors trying to get him out.  His color never got any better from the bruising either.  He had issues with his CBC among other things and needed a blood transfusion for that within 12 hours of being born.  Andy also started to show really high acidity of his blood = acidosis.  And things just kept going bad.  We got discharged from the hospital on Thursday, but the boys' doctor insisted that we "room-in" because he felt that Andy was very very sick.

At 9:30 that night, the nurses came to tell us that the ICN had called and wanted us there right away.  We got there and started washing our hands (protocol) and they told us to hurry over and forget about washing our hands.  SCARY!  They pulled us over and his nurse was doing CPR and all the residents and NPs and everyone available was at his bed.  His monitors were going crazy and his heart rate was purely being maintained by the CPR.  His lung collapsed and he just was not doing well.  I couldn't focus on anything other than knowing that my baby was dying right in front of me.  I wanted them to stop because I knew in my heart that it was over.  I knew even if he survived for five minutes, we'd see that moment again.  And at that point, what kind of life would he have? At 24 weeks, 6 days, his brain without oxygen for the time he was coding would mean very severe if not debilitating disabilities.  The doctor on call came in and looked at him and consulted with the residents for about a minute and came over to tell us she thought it was time they stop and I agreed.  She asked me right away if I wanted to hold my baby.  I of course said yes.

They immediately cut his wires and IVs so I could hold him before he got too cold.  I just held my baby in a blanket and cried...I don't even know how long or anything...I couldn't stop for the longest time.  It was the first time we'd seen his face and really seen what he looked like.  He was so perfect...every inch of him.  He was so tiny...almost no weight at all in my arms.  I held him to my skin and just mourned the loss of such a beautiful little boy...my son.

I won't go into much further detail because I feel as though the remainder of our time with him was so private.  I will let any mom know who may face this situation that our hospital was amazing.  His nurse was unbelievable.  They brought in a photographer from "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" to take photos of him.  These photos will be our private memories of our son, but as a result of this fabulous volunteer organization, we will have pictures of him without all the tubes and everything stuck to him.  Our nurse also did foot and hand impressions that will be a wonderful memory of our son.  We were given a box with all of his belongings in it to bring home.  He obviously didn't have much, but we have his blankets and lovies that will be a large part of our home when we find the proper way to display and honor the memory of a beautiful life.