Shattered

I'm not sure there's a better word to describe how I feel this morning.  I slept pretty soundly until about 5 AM.  Then I startled awake yet again at 7:15 this morning...24 hours later...

I feel like my dreams are shattered.  Thousands of medical bills and dollars later and we were finally pregnant...even though it wasn't everything I ever dreamed of, I was going to have the babies I had always dreamed of.  I was going to be a Mommy just like I had said I wanted to be since I was probably 3 years old carrying around my baby dolls.  A month ago, I never dreamed this would happen.  Even when they told me the boys had a 40% chance being born at 24 weeks, I never dreamed I would lose both of them.  Even when Andrew died, I felt like, okay, well Sammy is here and fighting strong.  Even Monday morning, before everything happened, I was still dreaming of bringing him home.  I was even meeting with the discharge coordinator!

Now I just feel numb.  My babies should still be in my belly...I should still be calling myself Mommy...now I feel hopeless.  I feel like being a Mom is so out of reach now.  I know in my head I will always be Mommy to my too little boys, but I'll never hear them say it.  I never even got to hear them cry for me.  I don't even know if I comforted them at all because of all the stupid damn tubes and crap they were hooked up to.  I don't even feel like I was their Mommy because I couldn't care for them the way the doctors and nurses could.  It's all I've ever wanted and it was so close and then ripped away from me.  There are no words...life is just so f!(#())* unfair.

To top it off, all that pumping apparently paid off some...my breasts hurt and are hard as rocks from not pumping.  It's a cruel joke my body is playing on me.  A constant reminder.  Why can't my body understand that I don't have a baby to feed.  It couldn't produce nearly enough when they were here, so why can't it just stop.  Why does my body treat me so unfairly?  First with all the PCOS and infertility crap, then with HELLP, and now this...why can't I just be normal?  In what world am I the one who gets dealt all these cards?  Can't they be spread out?  There are moms in the ICN talking about not having a HOME to go to...they're homeless, jobless, and God knows what else, and they procreated just fine and fine, they had a journey in the ICN, too, but they're walking out with their baby.  I have a home, a husband, and more love to give a child than anything and I walk out with nothing except my children's belongings.  How can life be so unfair....

I just want my dream back.  I want to dream and feel like I'm not scared of it.  I'm scared to dream of more children because I don't know if it will ever happen.  And if it does, what's to stop this from happening again?  We haven't met with the doctors but I of course want to know and the internet is so readily available...  All the research I can find says instead of an 8% chance of HELLP, I now have a 50/50 chance of getting it again in subsequent pregnancies.  I can't go through this again...but I so want my own biological children.  I want the pregnancy I dreamed about the first time.  I want maternity photos and a baby shower...I want that dream.  I'm so scared of having that dream because I don't know if it will ever happen for me...

Everything, my whole world just feels like it has collapsed around me...