First Trip Out Alone

I decided to get brave today.  I went to the grocery store.  Of course, I made sure to go before 9:00 AM in the hopes of avoiding anyone I knew since the grocery store is so slow that time of day.  I ended shopping with all the old people.  Go figure.  But hey, that was the most quiet shopping trip I'd ever done!  I might have to make a routine of shopping early in the morning.  I did happen to see a high school classmate, but from a distance.  I made sure to go around and avoid...I felt horrible about it, but I couldn't bear it.  I was keeping myself together.  I didn't want to ruin it.  The entire time I was walking around the store, I had white knuckles on the shopping cart any time I'd turn a corner...hoping I wouldn't run into someone else I might know.  I was avoiding anyone that had a stupid baby car seat on the cart, too.  I was too afraid I'd lose it...  Especially living in a small, not-so-well-off town, let's be real, the people with kids in their carts this time of day are more than likely living off the state, paying for their groceries with food stamps, and can't afford to support themselves let alone the child they have with them.

I really didn't used to be this judgmental or angry, seriously.  I used to be the person that gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I just can't bring myself to be that person anymore.  The other thing I realized today was that I'm definitely not my usual outgoing self.  I used to be pleasant with the clerks at the store and people around me.  I used to smile at people I saw in the store when they'd smile at me or say hello (even people I didn't know).  Just because I used to be that smiley, outgoing person.  I was happy (most of the time).  Now I feel like all the judging and feelings of annoyance I'd got before because of people that were rude at the store or anything like that...I feel like I can understand them now.  Lesson for today: Don't judge unpleasant people.  You don't know what they are going through.  You don't know if they are dealing with something horrible.  You don't know why they are unhappy...it could very well be because they just experienced the most incredible loss in their life. 

To be honest, I don't know that there is any loss that is comparable to that of losing a child...it ruins the natural order of things.  Parents shouldn't outlive their children.  I shouldn't be looking for a black dress on every website I can think of.  I shouldn't be picking out a cemetery plot, urns, or anything like that.  Especially at 26 years old...I haven't even lived half my life yet.  I don't know, it's still so surreal...

To top it off today, I went to the therapist for the first time (more on that at some other point)...which happened to be in Hanover.  The whole time I was parking and then walking to her office, I was clenching my fists and just hoping I wouldn't see someone I knew (I work in Hanover).  I was brave and went into the jewelry store to pick up a Christmas gift.  I have been wanting to look for additional non-fiction books (I'm having a hard time reading fiction books lately...) and even though there's a bookstore right in Hanover, it was lunch time and I refused to walk around Hanover more than I had to at that time of day.  I decided to drive to Lebanon instead and go to the bookstore there.  But of COURSE I would see someone I knew there!  A friends' mom.  She said hi and asked how I was doing, I just responded with the "ok, thank you" and kept walking...thankfully she didn't push it.  I was ready to pay and noticed she was waiting in line and walked off to look around and more books just to avoid being stuck in line and creating conversation.

I'm realizing that the problem is that I don't want to see people unless it's on my terms.  I need interactions to be on my terms.  I need to be able to leave the engagement if I get overwhelmed.  I feel like people want to be able to chat, and I am not always in a spot to be able to do that.  I need to have an escape route.  I really hope I can get past that...otherwise going back to work and leading a normal life are going to be very difficult......