Thank you to everyone who lit a candle for Sammy and Andy yesterday. I could not believe the amazing outpouring I saw on Facebook from everyone. I think even FB had a wave of light going. :) I felt like having the pictures of all the people who contributed to the Wave of Light to be much more important than talking about other stuff yesterday. It should stand on its own. Yesterday was a very difficult day for me in so many ways. I had my six week post partum appointment yesterday. This appointment threw me for a complete loop. I had been looking forward to the appointment for a long time in the hopes that it would grant me some peace and hope. Not so much...
I absolutely hate being late, but due to the incredibly long drive to the doctor's office and slow people (not to mention the two sets of lights currently residing on Route 10), we ended up a bit late. Only five minutes, but I hate it nonetheless. Thankfully I had made my appointment for the end of the day, so a) there was only one other person in the waiting room and b) the doctors were running late anyways.
They give you a stupid questionnaire to ask "how you're doing" basically. All kinds of questions about how you feel about getting out of bed, how often you feel hopelessness, how well you're sleeping, etc. etc. It's a typical questionnaire for post partum depression. It just made me want to cry more because I was so nervous anyways. Of course I don't sleep well. Of course I have feelings of hopelessness. I lost my babies! Shouldn't I have a different questionnaire? I'm pretty sure my answers to these silly questions are tainted by my experience...
They finally called me back. Usually it's an LNA or RN that checks you in and goes over basic stuff with you before the doctor comes in. I know the nurses probably don't have the ability to read over all the charts and stuff, but seriously? She took me to get my weight done in the alcove next to a mom hooked up to a non-stress test and all I could hear was the baby's heart beat. :( I was white knuckled and holding back tears. The last time I had heard my babies healthy was on that silly machine. I wanted them to be monitored on that machine for weeks more. I know that woman is hooked up to that machine for a reason. I don't know what the issue is but they do those tests for a good reason and I don't know if she's had a loss and it's a reassurance for her or if her baby is sick. But that doesn't make it any easier to be near her.
I just have to say that I hate the question "Are you in any pain?" right now. I may not be in pain physically, but I'm in pain emotionally every single day. And there are no medications I can take to make that go away. The nurse asked me the question and after the above experience it was all I could do not to snap at her. She took my blood pressure, too. Of course my blood pressure is high...you just put me through a traumatic experience! :-S I've never had high blood pressure, so knowing that my pressure was 144/84 got me even more worked up. And then she tells me I'm seeing a different doctor than I had made my appointment with. Now I trust all the doctors, but I get very very upset by unexpected right now. Anything unexpected throws me waaaaay off. So going into this appointment I wasn't really in a great state of mind...
The resident came in to go over my physical health before the doctor came in to address questions we had. She checked my scar and felt my uterus. No issues there. My scar has been fine so I really had no concerns anyways. She talked to me about my C-section. Hey, all this stuff no one ever told me. Like I lost almost 2 liters of blood (1700 ccs) when 1 liter is typical so I was considered to have "significant blood loss" during my surgery even though I didn't need a transfusion. Great. And no one ever confirmed the type of scar I had. I have a lateral scar on my panty-line on the outside, but inside on my uterus I have a vertical scar. Thankfully I didn't end up needing a T cut, but the vertical incision isn't really any different. I will NEVER be allowed to experience labor and will have scheduled C-sections at 36-37 weeks in any subsequent pregnancies. This is a huge disappointment for me. I knew that it was a possibility, but to have confirmation that I will never be allowed to experience the beauty of the natural delivery I had dreamed of forever is just one more thing to mourn besides the obvious...
Then the doctor came in to talk to us about our questions. Our biggest questions surround being able to have biological children. The obvious question is when having another baby is even a possibility. I was hoping for being able to start trying (i.e. no protection, not fertility treatments) within 6 or so months. Figured that would be awesome since we're at almost 2 months already! Yeah, no. They don't recommend a delivery for 18 months. In other words, the absolute soonest they would be okay with it is 9 months from delivery. But even then, they would recommend longer. The risk is that my uterus could rupture in labor (hence no labor, ever) and the stretch on my uterus when it hasn't completely healed is extremely dangerous. To top it off, there's riskiness to having a placenta implant on or near the scar and if I don't let the scar heal completely it could be extremely dangerous for me and the baby. Needless to say, the longer we wait the more likely we are to have a successful outcome. So a year from the boys' birthday will be the first time we could even consider trying, even naturally. The doctor even made a comment that scares me a bit...she made it sound like the reproductive doctors may not even consider doing IVF for us again. That would be devastating! But the solution for that stress is to make an appointment with my REI doctors which I will do soon. Even if we're not going to do anything with them or another couple of years, knowing the answers to a bunch of questions around my PCOS and our reproductive future would be reassuring.
The next round of questions surrounded my HELLP and future pregnancies...so my form of HELLP was very atypical because of the fact that it went away the first time and the fact that I did not ever have pre-eclampsia. And because it developed so early in my pregnancy. This means there's little or no research to help and little to no experience that doctors have with my particular case. I'm an anomaly apparently. :-S That means the answers to our questions weren't really reassuring. My risk of developing HELLP again are extremely high. For someone with a typical form of pre-e, the chances are 45% of developing it again. But most people develop it later and less severe. I didn't think she said that was necessarily the case for me, but Cam does think she said that. I hope that's the case. I may call and clarify. Not that it matters right now. There's nothing we can really do to reduce the risks of me developing HELLP other than 2 baby aspirin a day for my entire pregnancy. Great. Lovenox isn't an option because my clotting disorder isn't one that is associated with higher risks of HELLP. Apparently there is a clotting disorder that is more highly associated with HELLP that they could test me for, so I will probably get tested for that to see. Then they would actually treat me with medication during a pregnancy. Just like with my milk production stuff, I kind of want to have this disorder because it would mean there's an explanation and a treatment... :-S
So at this point, there's so much to consider. Neither of us want to go through this experience again. But I don't want to give up on my body this soon. I'm still in my 20s. I've still got time. The issue is my health...the risk to my life, to my future child/ren's live(s)... But I desperately want to have a happy pregnancy...a baby shower...a biological child. A family. I don't have any clue what we're going to do...I was hoping this doctor's appointment would give us some sort of direction and instead I feel even more confused.
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