Broken

I've been posting a lot about the Capture Your Grief Project and not much about anything else...I figured it was time to type a normal post for a change!

The big thing I have learned over this journey (so far) is in regards to friends...

I understand that other people's lives go on when I feel like mine can't.  But at the same time, so many of my friends have gone on and I feel forgotten at times.  The people I thought would be there for me are not the ones that I have found the most comfort in.  For that matter, some of my family I thought would be there for me haven't really been either.


It's strange how such big things like this happening change not only me, but the relationships I have with people.  I am surrounding myself with the people that are supporting me most and making decisions as such.  If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to keep my head above water at all.

I have found new friends as a result of this journey that have at least a general understanding (some even have a full understanding) that have become my crutches.  Although they are new friends, I feel like I have more in common with them and that they "get" me better than the friends I've had for years.  I am so thankful for these newly found and wonderful people.  I would NOT be making it through this without these friends (they know who they are).

In the meantime, Facebook has become almost unbearable.  Though it is a great way to stay in touch with people...going onto my newsfeed is depressing.  I want to stay up to date with my friends, but at the same time, every time I go through my newsfeed there are more baby bump or baby pictures.  I can hang out with my friends and their kids without a problem, but seeing a TON of pictures all over my Facebook newsfeed is depressing.  I can't deal with it anymore.  I want to not let it bother me, but it's like a knife through my heart every time.  A constant reminder of what I DON'T have...but almost did...

Baby bumps are worse...because I should still be pregnant right now.  I should be having my baby shower.  I don't want to see pictures of other people's bellies or showers...it just makes me want to cry...and I usually do.  I want to be fat and happy right now...not feeling like I'm never hungry and being depressed...I want to want to leave my house, but the fear of seeing other pregnant women and newborns is paralyzing...not to mention all the people that give me the pity looks....

I don't like that I'm paralyzed by all of this...I want to be myself again...the truth is though that I'm not the same person...at all.  I can't even remember that person anymore.  I can't remember what it was like to be happy and joyous about something.  I get excited over little things now...like finding a great Garnet Hill shirt at a third the price at the consignment store or saving a ton of money on groceries this month and having a months worth of easy to cook meals in the freezer.  Um, yup, the little things, eh?

I want something big to be excited about...anything...and so far I just feel paralyzed...frozen...

How can I let my life go on knowing what I'm missing?  How can I go on knowing that I'm missing a huge chunk of my heart?  What mends a broken heart in a scenario like this?  I will always have this piece of my heart missing with no way to recover it.