This time of year

I was trying to figure out why I've been in such a funk this week.  I realized what it was tonight as I was thinking about the date...

Two years ago, I saw all over Facebook that my family friend Seth had passed away.  Just a few months before, I had been visiting with Seth at his work (my old landlord's office).  It hit me like a load of bricks.  This wonderful and kind guy that I had grown to love like my big brother over my lifetime was gone.  I couldn't imagine what his family was going through, but his loss was felt throughout our entire community.  When you go to a school of about 300 and you grow up with a good third of those people, you get to know each other well.  I felt like I had lost a family member.  Seth always picked on me in the few classes we had together.  His smile was contagious.  Even though he would pick on me, he could always make me laugh with him.  He still stuck up for me and knew exactly what to say to make me smile and calm down (instead of stressing like CRAZY over exams).  Because I didn't see him very often, it's still so surreal....

Then two days later, I woke up to hear that yet ANOTHER family friend had passed away...Josh was the outgoing little brother of one of my classmates.  Our families went on vacation at the same time of year to the same place every year for the first few years of our lives.  I know I used to pick on him, but as he got older, he took it well and gave it right back!  Kudos, Joshie.  He grew up into a smart and nice young man.  I didn't really spend time with him once we stopped vacationing together, but again...when you grow up with someone, you don't forget.  You carry those memories with you forever.  Another incident that seems so surreal...

A year ago, I went to work on Monday, Oct 24 to find that my best friend and coworker wasn't in the office.  She usually made it there before me...I was worried, but I assumed maybe she had an appointment I didn't know about.  Little did I know how wrong I was...she'd been in a car accident and had a major head injury.  It was all I could do to hold it together.  I wanted to cry for her.  I was so worried.  We found out she was okay...and I went to see her at lunch that day.  She was okay.  Relief flooded over me.  But it didn't stop the scare.  She means the world to me and I couldn't imagine a life without her in it.  It's funny how those people come into your life...and they don't leave.  They're always there for you, just the way you need because they know exactly what you need.  I love you, Hilary P as my friend, my family. <3

Later that SAME day, I got a text from friends telling me that my high school best friend was in the hospital.  She had developed HELLP (I didn't know much about it at that time!) and had had severe complications because of it.  Her little boy was delivered 9 weeks early.  I was scared for her.  Wondering if she'd be okay.  I was scared for her little boy...knowing how much she wanted him and how hard she'd worked to get him.  Very rarely do people come into your life that can be there for you and be miles away.  She is one of those people.  Time can fly by and we can not talk for weeks and we can pick up the phone, or start chatting and it's like no time has passed.  Jaxson is a year old now and I want to cheer from the rooftops.  I know it's been a rough year, but I am so happy that my bestie is here and am proud of the beautiful mother she has become.  I love you, Liz, Josh, & Jax. <3

And this year...this year I am mourning that I'm sure my baby shower was coming up about now.  I'm mourning that I should still be pregnant and enjoying my pregnancy.  My boys would have been so much better off even if they'd been born even now!  Life isn't supposed to go this way! It's not supposed to be this unfair.  I have to remind myself that maybe this is all happening to help make me, my friends, my family, stronger.  Maybe, just maybe...