Equality

I've been thinking a lot lately.  When you're planning to have multiple children, especially at the same time, you worry a lot about how you're going to make sure that they each get equal treatment...that you don't give one more attention than the other, or that each has the same stuff.  For instance, each time I'd buy one outfit, I'd make sure to get a second, just so that I'd have one for each of them. Of course I obsessed over them not dressing exactly alike, so there was always something at least slightly different between the two outfits I'd choose.



Then when the boys were here, I wanted to make sure I spent equal time holding each of their hands and touching them.  Equal time looking at them and memorizing everything about them.  This is when there started to be a difference for me.  In the three short days we had Andrew, it seemed like every time we went in, he was having something done...a consequence of how sick he was.  So automatically we'd spend that time with Samuel.

I know Andrew knew we loved him and I know I spent what time I could with him, but sometimes I worry that he wasn't treated equally.  We don't have a family photo with him...one of him with both Mommy and Daddy.  We do with Samuel because of having an extra three weeks with him.  I do know that that's all a consequence of having an extra three weeks with Samuel...I know that.  To top it off I worry that I didn't properly mourn Andrew because we turned our focus to Samuel almost immediately.  To be honest, I never felt like I mourned Andy until I was mourning Sammy...I can't even wrap my head around mourning two babies at this point.

The other piece of this is our experience with the boys after they had passed away which has been what drove me to really think about this.  The things we were offered for each boy after he had passed were not the same.  We never received ink prints of Andrew's feet, solely the impressions in clay.  Then I found out yesterday that even though I had asked for the impressions for Samuel, we may not have them (still waiting to confirm...), but we got molds of his feet and hands.  I just now feel like we may not have anything the same for both boys even after...  We don't even have a picture for them that is the same.  For instance, in the pictures from NILMDS, we have a picture of our hands with our rings under Andrew's feet, but for Sam we don't have that.  We were offered a lock of Sam's hair but don't have any of Andrew's.  Such little things, but to me they mean the world right now.  I'm so thankful for everything we have, but now that they're gone, I can't help regret that I didn't know what to ask for or that I didn't know how to communicate what I wanted.

I know they are two different people so different things and mourning them in different ways is okay.  I'm allowed to be disappointed, but I also know that there's nothing I can do to change what happened.  I need to remind myself that feeling the way I feel is okay, but that there's nothing that I can do to change it.  Nothing I do will bring them back.  There is nothing I can do to get things that I didn't have.  What I do know is that I can help the hospital they were born and died in to create a consistency and I fully plan to do that.

I am so thankful for what time I had with each of them, and I know I did all I could for them.  I have to believe that.  I am thankful for what small memories and memorabilia I have for each of them.  Every little piece of every little thing is a piece of them that I can hang on to...that I have to hang on to because it's all I have.  It's the only things that will remind anyone else that they existed.  Because I'm afraid people will forget and I know I never can.  I'm afraid people will look at me and not know I'm a mother because I'm not carrying my children on the outside.  My children are carried in my heart forever and there's no way to share my heart with anyone...nor do I feel like I should.  I will protect them in my heart forever.