Broken

I've been posting a lot about the Capture Your Grief Project and not much about anything else...I figured it was time to type a normal post for a change!

The big thing I have learned over this journey (so far) is in regards to friends...

I understand that other people's lives go on when I feel like mine can't.  But at the same time, so many of my friends have gone on and I feel forgotten at times.  The people I thought would be there for me are not the ones that I have found the most comfort in.  For that matter, some of my family I thought would be there for me haven't really been either.

Capture Your Grief Catch-up

I'm so far behind on the Capture Your Grief Project right now!!  I'm going to try to get caught up tonight before going back to my projects...then I do owe another post soon....

This time of year

I was trying to figure out why I've been in such a funk this week.  I realized what it was tonight as I was thinking about the date...

CYG: Day 23

Other than the description for today, this post needs no words....

Day 23. Their Name/Their Photo If you feel comfortable, share a photo of your baby/ies/child/ren who you are remembering this month. If you do not have photos, you could use an ultrasound image or something that represents them.

CYG: Day 22

And today...

Day 22. Place of Care/Birth The place that looked after your you whilst you were pregnant. Share a photo of those who took care of you and your baby. This could be a midwife/doula/friend/partner.

75th Anniversary of the March of Dimes

I came across this information posted by another preemie mom on Facebook and just HAD to share here, too.

The 75th anniversary of the March of Dimes is coming up in January.  There is currently a petition to light up the White House in purple in honor of the March of Dimes.  The petition needs 22,000 signatures to be even considered and is currently almost 20,000 signatures away.  PLEASE share this on your Facebook (once you click out to the link below there's a share button) and on your blogs (if you have them) to help get the White House lit up in purple.  Purple also happens to be my favorite color, so I'm looking forward to seeing this happen!  We don't have much time, so please go here and sign!

Sign the petition here!

CYG: Day 21

I've been thinking a lot about this project lately...

Day 21. Altar/Shrine/Sacred Space Share a photo of your special place in your home/garden for your baby/ies/child/ren.

CYG: Day 20: Charity

I like today's project even though I don't have a picture...

Day 20. Charity/Organization Share your favourite charity or organization that has touched your heart on this road of grief. If you don’t have a photograph to share, just simply post the link to their website!

 There are far too many to even begin to try to find pictures, but I will link and talk about each one...

CYG: Day 19

The project of the day...

Day 19. Project Have you worked on any projects inspired by your loss? They could be anything from an art project to organizing memory boxes for a hospital. If you have not yet done a project you could share something that you would like to work on.

CYG: Day 18

Today's project...

Day 18. Your Family Portrait Take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/ies/child/ren who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

CYG: Days 16 & 17

The tasks for yesterday and today...

Day 16. Release Balloons, lanterns, butterflies, doves.
Day 17. Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates Share a photo of what you did for your baby/ies/child/rens special day. Did you hide away in bed? Did you have a cake? Did you have a party? What did you do?

Post Partum Appointment

Thank you to everyone who lit a candle for Sammy and Andy yesterday.  I could not believe the amazing outpouring I saw on Facebook from everyone.  I think even FB had a wave of light going. :)  I felt like having the pictures of all the people who contributed to the Wave of Light to be much more important than talking about other stuff yesterday.  It should stand on its own.  Yesterday was a very difficult day for me in so many ways.  I had my six week post partum appointment yesterday.  This appointment threw me for a complete loop.  I had been looking forward to the appointment for a long time in the hopes that it would grant me some peace and hope.  Not so much...

October 15

Today, October 15, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Today's Capture Your Grief projects correlates with the Wave of Light.

Day 15. WAVE of LIGHT Today is October 15th Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Light a candle at 7pm to help create a continuous wave of light around the world for 24 hours. Photograph your light!

CYG: Day 14: Community

Today's project...

Day 14. Community Our community is so amazing, but with that being said, none of us want to be a member. Share a photo of a community gathering or event that you have attended.

CYG: Day 13: Signs

Today's project....

Day 13. Signs If you believe in signs from your child/ren, share with us an experience you have had.

I do believe in signs.  I believe that there are things that will always remind me of my boys.  I believe that those things are their reminder to me that they are just as much here as they are in my head...

CYG: Days 10-12

I know I'm a bit behind on this...I've been avoiding Day 10...I didn't want to take the picture.  And to be honest, I still haven't...I'll just type for now...add pictures later...

Remembering Andrew

After a rough day yesterday, I figured I owed an explanation.  Well, actually, I know I don't owe it, but I feel like I should talk about it...like I owe the explanation to Andrew, not to anyone else.

We got the pictures from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep yesterday in the mail.  The pictures of Andrew.  It brought every single moment I had with him back.

Here and Now

I was thinking a lot this morning about the statement "I can't wait..."  I thought a lot about this while we were in the hospital, too.  We throw around this statement so much.  "I can't wait to meet my boys."  "I can't wait until the NICU journey is over." I could have waited for each of those if it meant bringing home my two healthy boys.  Not that it's not okay to dream, no, that's not it.  Dreaming and wishing for later are two different things.  Wishing for later is not looking at the moment you're in.  Dreaming is thinking and hoping about things to come and using the here and now to determine how to get there.  Dreams and hope...they are powerful things and shouldn't be confused with wishing the moments away!

CYG: Day 9: Special Place

Today's Capture Your Grief Project:

Day 9. Special Place This could be a place that you visit that brings you peace. Maybe it is a place that you went to when you were pregnant or where your child’s place of rest is.

Stay-At-Home Mom

If there is anything that this experience has taught me it is that I want to be a stay-at-home mom when we do have healthy kids that get to come home with us.  To be completely honest, that is something I NEVER thought you'd hear me say.  I love working.  I love the sense of accomplishment I feel when I am working.  I love my coworkers.  I just never thought I'd even consider being home 100% of the time with my children.  Until the idea of Sammy coming home on O2 that is.  And now not having either of the boys home with me, I realize that I never want to miss a moment with any of my children.  I was with Andy and Sammy almost every minute I could be, and I'm happy that I can say that.  I want to say that for any future children, too.

CYG: Day 8: Jewelry

Today's task...

Day 8. Jewellery Do you have a piece of jewellery in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren? Share it!

CYG: Day 7: What To Say

Today's Capture Your Grief Project task....

Day 7. What To Say We all talk about the bad things people say to us but we rarely focus on the good that people say to us. Share a tip for those who don’t have any idea on what to say. Write it d own – photograph it.

Understanding PCOS

I've decided to turn my focus in life to my PCOS.  Understanding it.  I was diagnosed with PCOS at 14 but didn't really understand what it was and birth control fixed all the issues I had with it (most notably infrequent and very painful periods), so I just took that as it was all better.  WRONG!  Birth control masks the problem but doesn't take care of it.  It's still there, this ugly little monster.  Until we wanted to start our family, I didn't fully understand what PCOS meant.

CYG: Day 6: What Not To Say

Today's Capture Your Grief:

Day 6. What Not To Say Have you had something terrible said to you in the wake of your loss, write it on a piece of paper – photograph it – vent it.

CYG: Day 5

Today's task:

Day 5. Memorial This could be anything you have had done in memory of your baby/ies/child/ren. It could be their plaque at the cemetery or a tree that has been planted in their memory, anything at all.

Equality

I've been thinking a lot lately.  When you're planning to have multiple children, especially at the same time, you worry a lot about how you're going to make sure that they each get equal treatment...that you don't give one more attention than the other, or that each has the same stuff.  For instance, each time I'd buy one outfit, I'd make sure to get a second, just so that I'd have one for each of them. Of course I obsessed over them not dressing exactly alike, so there was always something at least slightly different between the two outfits I'd choose.

Capture Your Grief: Day 4

Today's Capture Your Grief task is:

Day 4. Most Treasured Item Something that relates to your baby/ies/child/ren. Maybe it is their hand and foot prints or a photograph. Whatever it is we would love to see it.

First Trip Out Alone

I decided to get brave today.  I went to the grocery store.  Of course, I made sure to go before 9:00 AM in the hopes of avoiding anyone I knew since the grocery store is so slow that time of day.  I ended shopping with all the old people.  Go figure.  But hey, that was the most quiet shopping trip I'd ever done!  I might have to make a routine of shopping early in the morning.  I did happen to see a high school classmate, but from a distance.  I made sure to go around and avoid...I felt horrible about it, but I couldn't bear it.  I was keeping myself together.  I didn't want to ruin it.  The entire time I was walking around the store, I had white knuckles on the shopping cart any time I'd turn a corner...hoping I wouldn't run into someone else I might know.  I was avoiding anyone that had a stupid baby car seat on the cart, too.  I was too afraid I'd lose it...  Especially living in a small, not-so-well-off town, let's be real, the people with kids in their carts this time of day are more than likely living off the state, paying for their groceries with food stamps, and can't afford to support themselves let alone the child they have with them.

I really didn't used to be this judgmental or angry, seriously.  I used to be the person that gave everyone the benefit of the doubt.  I just can't bring myself to be that person anymore.  The other thing I realized today was that I'm definitely not my usual outgoing self.  I used to be pleasant with the clerks at the store and people around me.  I used to smile at people I saw in the store when they'd smile at me or say hello (even people I didn't know).  Just because I used to be that smiley, outgoing person.  I was happy (most of the time).  Now I feel like all the judging and feelings of annoyance I'd got before because of people that were rude at the store or anything like that...I feel like I can understand them now.  Lesson for today: Don't judge unpleasant people.  You don't know what they are going through.  You don't know if they are dealing with something horrible.  You don't know why they are unhappy...it could very well be because they just experienced the most incredible loss in their life. 

To be honest, I don't know that there is any loss that is comparable to that of losing a child...it ruins the natural order of things.  Parents shouldn't outlive their children.  I shouldn't be looking for a black dress on every website I can think of.  I shouldn't be picking out a cemetery plot, urns, or anything like that.  Especially at 26 years old...I haven't even lived half my life yet.  I don't know, it's still so surreal...

To top it off today, I went to the therapist for the first time (more on that at some other point)...which happened to be in Hanover.  The whole time I was parking and then walking to her office, I was clenching my fists and just hoping I wouldn't see someone I knew (I work in Hanover).  I was brave and went into the jewelry store to pick up a Christmas gift.  I have been wanting to look for additional non-fiction books (I'm having a hard time reading fiction books lately...) and even though there's a bookstore right in Hanover, it was lunch time and I refused to walk around Hanover more than I had to at that time of day.  I decided to drive to Lebanon instead and go to the bookstore there.  But of COURSE I would see someone I knew there!  A friends' mom.  She said hi and asked how I was doing, I just responded with the "ok, thank you" and kept walking...thankfully she didn't push it.  I was ready to pay and noticed she was waiting in line and walked off to look around and more books just to avoid being stuck in line and creating conversation.

I'm realizing that the problem is that I don't want to see people unless it's on my terms.  I need interactions to be on my terms.  I need to be able to leave the engagement if I get overwhelmed.  I feel like people want to be able to chat, and I am not always in a spot to be able to do that.  I need to have an escape route.  I really hope I can get past that...otherwise going back to work and leading a normal life are going to be very difficult......

Capture Your Grief Day 3

Today's Capture Your Grief topic is as follows:

Day 3. After Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you after your loss. Sam as yesterday if you would prefer to you can share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done!

Since I haven't taken any pictures of myself...let's face it, I look like crap from crying my eyes out at least once a day and not really being able to sleep...I decided to take a picture of me and one of my furries.  Meet Tigger, our 4 year old orange male cat.  He's a pain in the butt, but the most loveable cat I have ever met. <3

For those of you that know me, you know that I've always had long-ish hair, at least shoulder length.  It's not as obvious in this picture, but I just had to cut it all off.  My longest layer is now at my chin.  I figured since it was no longer summer and hot (it doesn't get warmer than 65 here this time of year, and that's if we're lucky), I would cut it off.  Not to mention that the main reason I had left it somewhat long was so that I could put it up easily if I was chasing around two little boys...  Now that I don't have to do that, figured it was time to go back to really short hair.  I haven't had my hair this short since Cam proposed almost six years ago.  And hey, since I've lost so much weight, have to have a new look to go with it, right?

Memories

I made the mistake of watching Private Practice tonight.  I love the show.  Problem is that the entire episode tonight was about a funeral.  Really.  And although it's fiction, they were reminiscing the entire episode about the dead character (I won't name who it is in case anyone reading this wants to watch the show).  It made me start thinking about the memories I have of my boys.

I hate that the only images that play across my mind of my boys are them dying.  Every time I think of Andrew, I remember watching the doctors and nurses trying to resuscitate him.  I think of holding him for the first time, trying to memorize his face and every inch of his tiny, lifeless body.  When I think of Sam, I think of the last day, backing away from his bed as I watched the same scene unfold.  Even though they resuscitated him, it wasn't the same.  And I start thinking about holding him and watching him stop breathing...the NP coming over and checking for his heart beat three times before his heart stopped.  About cuddling his lifeless body as it got cold and wishing with all my might that this nightmare wasn't happening.  What kinds of memories are those?  Shouldn't I remember the good things?  Good things are what I should be reminiscing, not the end of their lives.

The hard part is that the only time I got to see them without all the damn tubes in their mouths and all the IVs was after they stopped breathing.  I want to remember my babies not in a hospital.  Not in those stupid isolettes.  With nothing sticking in them.  I want to remember them as happy little boys.  I'm so angry that I will never have that opportunity.  Their entire lives were spent in that damn hospital.  I never got to bring them home.  It's so unfair.  Why couldn't I have had two healthy beautiful boys?  Why did they have to be so sick? 

I want to remember them running and playing with Penny.  I want to remember them pulling on the cats' tails.  I want all those things for them and there's nothing I can do to make that happen.  I'm so angry that I never got to bring them home.  That I never got to cuddle their warm little bodies with nothing stuck in them.  I just want happy, good memories of my babies that will never come...it makes me so mad at the world.  It makes me mad at myself for not being able to keep them safely in my belly for another month.  I should be 28.5 weeks pregnant right now and instead I'm recovering from major abdominal surgery with nothing to show for it.  I just want them back.  I just want to make good, happy memories with my boys.  Just one day.  One day with a happy memory of them so that I have something good to hold onto.  I love them so much.

"Capture Your Grief" Project

In case you didn't know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  October 15 is Worldwide Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  I haven't quite yet determined what I will do for my boys in my home.  However, the one thing I know I will do is light a candle for each of my boys.  The event is to light it at 7:00 PM, but I think I will light the candles when I get up in the morning and keep them burning.  I am going to go hunt down some pretty candles just for them even though I have plenty of others, they deserve their own special ones.  Guess I'll have to get brave enough to get out to the store...I have 13 days...

Thanks to my beautiful friend Jana's blog at Keeping Up with the Kimmels, I found this awesome project called "Capture your Grief" posted by Carly Marie in honor of the awareness month.

I missed yesterday's :(  But it was the following:

Day 1. Sunrise I thought it would be sweet for us all to capture the beginning of this beautiful project and important month by us all getting up early to photograph the sunrise from wherever we are in the world. I know depending on where you are and what climate you are in that there may not be a sunrise, but if you can still get to a window, snap a photo of the morning! When you share your photo online make sure you write what State/Country you are in and the time of the sunrise {just for fun!}

I wish I had known, I would have definitely done it.  Getting up for a sunrise would have been a refreshing thing to do.  Would have made me feel refreshed in a way.  Like a new day and a new hope...

Oh well, I'll move on and start with Day 2:

Day 2. Before Loss Self Portrait Share a photo of you before your loss. You could share a drawing/skecth or painting you have done if you would prefer that!

This is the last picture I have of me before the boys were born, taken in late July...enjoying our camp on the lake.  My mother-in-law gave me the beautiful and comfortable dress.  I wore it so much while I was pregnant just for something cool to wear...easy to slip on and off.  I don't know, I think I will always relate all of my maternity clothes to being pregnant with the boys, so as much so I want to keep them because I LOVE them all...in case I have a future pregnancy...I'm tempted to get rid of them and start over.  I feel like maybe the clothes have bad juju? I don't know...I'm crazy, I know.  I think I'll change my mind eventually.  Plus, who knows, if I keep this 30 pounds I've lost off, I may not even be able to wear ANY of my clothes again anyways, even the pre-pregnancy ones...shopping spree maybe?

Infertility Support

I posted this on my Facebook, but I thought it would be important to post it here as well...any support I can help this wonderful, beautiful woman rally, would help SO MANY people...


Through some of my research for resources dealing with our loss of Samuel and Andrew, I found this video.  Though this is not my current struggle, it is the struggle I fought prior to fighting to keep my two beautiful boys.  The What-Ifs in this video hit so close to home, it's not even funny.

Fertility treatments are extremely expensive and it IS a disease.  Infertility is NOT a choice!!  And for so many, not having children because of the cost of fertility treatments is heart breaking.  Support for health insurance companies to cover these costs is definitely needed!!

Please, please SHARE this video!!!