Friday, October 18, 2013
Day 17: Time
There are no words for the length of time I have been missing my baby boys....just that I've been missing them for too long and know that I will continue to miss them. Each day is a day further from their sweet, sensitive little bodies...but a step closer to someday getting to hold my babies again...
Day 16: Seasons
My favorite season is by far fall. I definitely enjoy all the seasons, but fall is the best, in my opinion. Summer gets too hot, spring is all muddy, and winter is way too long (and too cold sometimes, too!). Fall, the temperatures are perfect. Pumpkins and apples are fresh and yummy! The leaves are changing and it is beautiful all around me. Living in the Northeast with four different seasons is definitely a plus. Besides, we have some of the prettiest foliage!
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Fall is also Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love carving my pumpkins and Thanksgiving is a favorite holiday in our home. We love cooking and spending time with our families. The food that you get to make in the fall is definitely the best. :) Pumpkin pie, donuts, apple crisp, sweet potato casserole, turkey, stuffing...all so yummy.
I like getting ready to hibernate for winter...planning the books I will read while curled up in my blanket. Catching up with movies and crocheting and knitting. I am a home body and it's a time to be able to curl up at home and just enjoy being in my home.
Fall is probably the one time of year that it is definite that things are changing. The leaves are changing colors and falling off of the trees. It is also the season my boys were born in. It is bittersweet. I missed last fall in my haze of depression. This year, I got to enjoy it. Though it was hard at times...realizing that I'm not celebrating fall with my babies like I should be.
Change. It is that reminder that things change and life has changed so very much. Of the people that are still here and those that have walked out of our lives. It is both painful and refreshing. Change is hard though. I like change, to an extent, but it is hard to see people you thought would always be there leave. For me change is also a fresh start. A way to start new and move forward. A reminder to move forward. Despite what life has thrown at us, we are accepting change and moving forward.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Day 15: Wave of Light
I was so impressed by all the friends that honored my and other babies yesterday as part of the Wave of Light. It melts my hear that people would remember my boys but breaks it at the same time that so many other people know that hurt. I saw so many candles lit on my newsfeed and not just for my boys.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
I was also surprised at how emotional I felt yesterday. I was hiding a lot of tears throughout the day. I'm not sure anyone would know. And who knows, maybe it's partially hormones. But, I wanted to cry...strangely I felt like yesterday was a bigger day than the anniversaries of losing the boys. I can't explain it, but it was hard. Maybe it was the reminder of all the other babies, too. I don't know.
But my candles were lit and I thought about and remembered my babies last night. I cried for them and missed them. But most of all, I loved them as I always have and will. Unconditional.
Monday, October 14, 2013
Day 14: Family
What does my family look like?
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
Well, there's the two of us and the dog. Penny might as well be our child. She basically is the baby of the family. I'm not sure she quite understands what it will mean when she's not the baby anymore. But she's the center of Cam's world and I love her quite a bit, too. ;)
We've also got Tabby and Tigger, our two cats. They're pretty central to our home, too. Our mousers and cuddlers. Then there's our ferrets. Our first babies. Cocoa, Salt, and Pepper.
All of our animals make up our family in our home. But our boys, they are the center of our world still. Their urns have an honored place in our home and we talk about them quite often. They are a part of all of the holidays and celebrations in our home. Not a day will go by that they aren't.
When more children make their way into our home, they will know about Samuel & Andrew. I will make sure of it. And I really hope that our families will continue to honor our first sons even when future children enter our family. No future child replaces those two boys. Ever. They will forever be the first babies in our family.
I'm not sure that there is much more to say about our family. Eventually it will grow again. Not sure when, but it will. Somehow, some way. I will not choose a life without a child in it. That lifestyle will never be for me. And I will do what it takes to get there....whatever that is. IVF, adoption, anything it takes....
Day 12: Article and Day 13: Book
I figured these two went together pretty well, so why not post
together. Both are in regards to reading that helped in my grief
journey.
I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career. I think they are interesting and extremely educational. When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome. The article itself also resonated
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/
The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable. As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died. I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable. But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am. Every second. Every day. 365 days a year.
What's worse is people no longer talk to me. They don't know how. So they just don't. That's worse. It's the worst thing. And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with. Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them. But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere. So for those that are still here. Thank you and I love you.
Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it. I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.
Books have been another release. I actually have a hard time reading fiction now. I've just not really been into reading at all. So I turn to non-fiction. Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books. Books on my PCOS and health. Books on adoption and raising adopted kids. And grief books.
My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165). Even Cam read it. I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it. And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss. And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too. I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.
Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot. Message boards have been another help. Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories. But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels. That has been my biggest support. Other moms who know what it's like.
I have fallen in love with TED Talks over my business career. I think they are interesting and extremely educational. When I found this article, to find that it also had a TED Talk that talked about grief was pretty awesome. The article itself also resonated
http://stillstandingmag.com/2013/06/pardon-my-grief/
The problem is that so many people just dismiss grief because it makes them uncomfortable. As a result, I, as a grieving parent, am left uncomfortable when I tell you my baby died. I understand people don't know what to say and that makes them uncomfortable. But multiply that times 1,000,000 and that's about how uncomfortable I am. Every second. Every day. 365 days a year.
What's worse is people no longer talk to me. They don't know how. So they just don't. That's worse. It's the worst thing. And just yet another grieving process I have to deal with. Losing friends has probably been harder some days than the loss of my boys because I need them. But I'm starting to learn that those that are really my friends haven't gone anywhere. So for those that are still here. Thank you and I love you.
Articles on Still Standing have shown me I'm not alone and given me a sense of feeling like someone else just GETS it. I often wonder if I'm the only one...and by reading these articles, I know I'm not.
Books have been another release. I actually have a hard time reading fiction now. I've just not really been into reading at all. So I turn to non-fiction. Truly, I'll be honest, I read a lot of self-help books. Books on my PCOS and health. Books on adoption and raising adopted kids. And grief books.
My favorite book so far has been Empty Cradle Broken Heart (http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1555913024/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?qid=1381784165&sr=8-1&pi=AC_SX110_SY165). Even Cam read it. I felt like it shed so much light onto loss and understanding it. And after multiple chemical pregnancies (early miscarriages), I had never felt like I could group miscarriage with my loss. And although they are VERY different, the book also helped me see that type of loss as a loss, too. I don't what else to say about the book, but I have gifted it to a couple of different friends who have lost since me and I know both of those friends have enjoyed it as well. I would recommend it to anyone who has had a recent loss and plan to continue to gift it to friends and family who can benefit from it.
Reading...whether it's articles or books has helped me a lot. Message boards have been another help. Though I've stepped away from those some as it is too heartbreaking at times and brings back too many memories. But I do have a small group of friends (though it seems to keep growing) that can relate and we connect on different levels. That has been my biggest support. Other moms who know what it's like.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Day 11: Triggers
I took a day off from blog posts and now I'm going to catch up today. Today's topic...triggers...man, there are so many. Really, for me it is anything that triggers memories of the NICU.
It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies. It is seeing babies hooked up to machines. It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through. It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies. It hurts. It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky. That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.
It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys. Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now. It makes me miss them. It makes me realize that I will never have that. I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea. And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts. I'm so disappointed. And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.
It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen. Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again. And if that never works? We can only do adoption once. And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future? It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.
It is the smell of hand sanitizer. That is probably one of the worst. And going back to the hospital. Yeah, that smell is there. And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that. It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.
It is going to that end of the hospital. Even if not on the same floor. Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me. I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms. I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there. I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.
Triggers...they are exhausting. Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown. When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment. So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door. And I just plow through the day and move forward. They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down. I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away. I don't know that they ever will. I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.
It is pictures of isolettes and premature babies. It is seeing babies hooked up to machines. It is hearing that some baby is going through something like what my boys went through. It is hearing that someone's baby is doing well even because that just raises the feelings of why couldn't that have been MY babies. It hurts. It hurts to know that I didn't get that lucky. That my friends who have lost their babies didn't get that lucky.
It is pictures and commercials and movies and shows with twin boys. Knowing that I should be raising two beautiful little boys right now. It makes me miss them. It makes me realize that I will never have that. I was so looking forward to raising twins after I got used to the idea. And now I will never have that opportunity and it hurts. I'm so disappointed. And it's something that eventually I know I will get used to.
It's the idea that I may never have 2 children like I had always dreamed because to make a financially responsible decision for our family and to not put my life in danger more than one more time, we just may not be able to make it happen. Adoption is still out there and we aren't giving up on biological children, but if we have one healthy pregnancy and baby, we won't put my life or that of an unborn child at risk again. And if that never works? We can only do adoption once. And if it does, does spending the thousands of dollars on adoption make sense when that is money we could invest in our biological child's future? It's a tough decision and it scares me to think that we may never have two children...but that we did...and we lost out on raising them when they were born too soon.
It is the smell of hand sanitizer. That is probably one of the worst. And going back to the hospital. Yeah, that smell is there. And there's a certain soap that is used in the ICN...any smell similar to that. It is even sometimes just washing my hands...though I've become more of a germophobe since the ICN, so now I wash my hands MORE than ever.
It is going to that end of the hospital. Even if not on the same floor. Knowing that I am one floor below scares the living daylights out of me. I plan to visit the ICN this week and go back on my terms. I'm afraid it will be more difficult to go back if I'm going back with a sick baby if I don't go back at least once before I'm forced back there. I want to go back when I have a choice and right now I have a choice.
Triggers...they are exhausting. Because often they come at times when I don't have time to breakdown. When I need to keep it together because there is something else I need to deal with at the moment. So I hold it in until I am behind my closed door. And I just plow through the day and move forward. They are probably the biggest thing that catches me off guard and causes me to eventually break down. I am learning how to cope, but the triggers don't go away. I don't know that they ever will. I just learn how to deal with them...and keep it together when I need to and break down when I need to.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Day 10: Beliefs
This is a hard topic. I know I'm going to offend or have people tell me that they think this or that. So let me preface this post by saying, it's okay if you don't agree with me. It's okay if you believe something different. BUT please don't discount what I believe and feel.
For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic. I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god. I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother. That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged. I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early. Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong. There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms. There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.
What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again. I have to believe that. It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again. So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.
I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can. I can still feel sad. I can still feel guilty. I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected. But I will also protect my family and friends. First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children. I deserve it and they deserve it. They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them. Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.
For a long time, I've questioned my beliefs from a religious perspective and have since called myself agnostic. I don't necessarily believe in any particular religion or god. I can't wrap my head around a religion or a god that would take a child from his mother. That would challenge someone's life the way mine has been challenged. I don't know that I can believe in a "God" who when I finally give in and pray to Him still brings my sons into this world too early. Still takes them from me when I cry to Him asking him to spare me the heartache...to keep my children here with me where they belong. There is no better place in the world for a child than in his mother's arms. There is no "plan" that anyone can convince me of that would explain why my sons are not here.
What I do believe is that eventually I will see my sons again. I have to believe that. It is the only way I can get through every day...believing that my angels are looking out for me and I will see them again. So I live each day, believing that, and believing that I can honor them with the person I am and that I can become.
I live each day with the philosophy that I can only do the best I can. I can still feel sad. I can still feel guilty. I can still be jealous and frustrated that my life isn't what I had expected. But I will also protect my family and friends. First and foremost, I will take care of me and honor my children. I deserve it and they deserve it. They deserve to know their momma will always take care of them. Learning how to parent children that are angels is nothing I ever thought I'd have to do...I'm figuring it out one day at a time.
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Day 9: Music
There are many songs that bring up different memories. For instance, "Pontoon" makes me think of the first time I could drive after the boys were born (thank you c-section). It was my favorite song on the radio at the time and was the first song that came on the first time I got back behind the wheel. Or "Every Storm Runs out of Rain" which I posted as my music in Capture Your Grief last year because it was on ALL the time and just always made me think of the tears that kept coming.
This song, Miranda Lambert's "Over You" was a song that became popular as I got really close to another loss momma who has become one of my closest friends. The one I can't go very many days without talking to because she means so much to me. The two of us went to Miranda's concert in February and both of us cried with Miranda as she sang this song. It is so true...I'll never be over my babies. NEVER. And anyone who expects me to be is lying to themselves and will eventually realize that if you push it, I am going to shut you out. I will never be over it or over my children.
This song, Miranda Lambert's "Over You" was a song that became popular as I got really close to another loss momma who has become one of my closest friends. The one I can't go very many days without talking to because she means so much to me. The two of us went to Miranda's concert in February and both of us cried with Miranda as she sang this song. It is so true...I'll never be over my babies. NEVER. And anyone who expects me to be is lying to themselves and will eventually realize that if you push it, I am going to shut you out. I will never be over it or over my children.
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Day 8: Color
I don't know at which point each of our boys got their "color." It just seemed to happen that Sammy always had blue and Andy always had green. But really, I think that came after they had already passed away. Perhaps my way of having a special color to distinguish them as two unique little boys. Everything I have created for them has used this color distinction and it just seems to stick. Typically blue is what I use in most circumstances given their birthstone is a sapphire though. How fitting it is that that is the case. Their urns are blue and I wear a sapphire ring as my mothers ring. It's all just become such a natural habit...
Monday, October 7, 2013
Day 7: You Now
And lately, I'm back to my coping mechanism...my knitting and crocheting. I have to say, that was what got me through my days after the boys. It was the only thing that distracted me enough to not breakdown every second of every day. And I see the stress and frustration in myself as I am back into that pattern. Where I'd rather sit at home and watch a movie and knit or crochet than to go out and visit friends or do anything else. I always really have been a homebody...but I feel so much more inclined to stay home again. It's not that I don't want to see friends, but I just don't feel the energy to go out and see people. I don't know whether that's work related (it's been busy lately), or if it's the fact that now that I've hit the first year marks that I'm still circling...like before I hit the one year marks, I had something to look toward...hitting that...and now what? IVF? Adoption? Because neither of those induce stress or anxiety (insert sarcasm).
All I know is that I definitely do have more strong days than weak ones. More days where I can feel myself smile rather than cry. But it's still this battle every day not to cry. Not to break down. I still struggle seeing women pregnant. Hearing pregnancy announcements. Half the time I just want to scream. Other times I just want to shake those women and say, pregnancy is a beautiful thing, but I think it's SO private. It is wonderful, and believe me, I will be one of the first to say it will be hard not to yell it from the rooftops when I am pregnant again...but it hurts...and so many people don't understand how to be sensitive about it. Whether that's around someone who has problems with fertility or someone who has lost a child. Either way, it is SO important to know that others are fighting their battles and you don't know who is fighting one for what reasons. Everyone has their own. I just wish more people would understand that as excited as you are about your pregnancy, the person next to you may be wondering "why not me?" or "will that ever be me?" And strangely...as I've said before...I struggle SO much more with pregnancy than I do with babies...and that's probably the biggest thing that has not changed. People just don't appreciate the miracle of it. *sigh*
So I guess I still have a lot of resentment and frustration. And that's my weakness. My biggest weakness. I don't even know how to cope with it. I've done the best I can and I really do keep my mouth shut about a lot of the things I'd like to say to people. I guess that's my way of coping...to just bottle it in so as not to hurt people with my true thoughts.
Positive changes? I've lost a lot more weight. Made positive diet and exercise changes. Been so much more active. Weeded through the people in my life and chosen to keep in touch with those who can be as much my friend as I can be for them. Eliminated the ones who make me feel worse rather than better. And changed jobs to a place that I love going to work every day. Where I feel challenged. A job that will be the right fit when we do have a family. I just know that so many things have happened that are good, too. My life isn't all bad. I just feel like I have had more challenges than most. Someday, maybe, something in my life will come easy like it seems to for all the other lucky people in the world. Someday I will feel like I am 100% fulfilled. But until I get to hold, love, and raise my own child in this world, I know I won't be fulfilled. I'm still searching for that one missing piece...honestly, I feel like that is ALL that is missing in my life at this point...though I know I will always miss my boys, I don't feel like I will be searching once I have that child in my arms...
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Day 6: Rituals
I wasn't really sure what to write for today's post. I was thinking about how we honor our boys. Then I realized I have a lot of rituals.
Like the fact that when I'm stressed, nervous, or upset, I rub my necklace. The necklace I wear every day with the boys' ashes in it. I only take it off to shower. And if I don't remember it, I feel off all day. When I traveled not too long ago (flying), I was scared to take it...scared it could get confiscated or that I'd lose it. I felt SO lost my entire vacation...like I was constantly forgetting something. Almost as bad as feeling like I'd left my children at home...which I guess I had, in a way.
But probably the two biggest rituals in our house...Christmas ornaments. It was what I had wanted to do for my boys before they were born...they would each get a Christmas ornament each year so that when they grew up and left home, they would have a personal collection to take with them. So I haven't given up on that. I bought two beautiful ornaments for them for their first Christmas. I couldn't bring myself to buy the "baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, but I bought ones with their stats on them. And I've already bought beautiful ornaments with their names for this Christmas. Eventually I think they may need their own tree...and that's okay! Whatever it takes.
The other ritual is the boys' birthday. I plan on doing something special...releasing something special every year. This year we did the lanterns. Next year, hopefully we'll have a baby and can all do balloons. And maybe butterflies some year. I don't know. Just something fun each year. A ritual of celebrating their birthday and honoring them in some way. We spent a lot of time at home this year on their birthday, but I'd really like to start a ritual of going somewhere or doing something else special, too. Like hiking somewhere every year to release the balloons or butterflies or something. I don't know. Or family photos every September 3. I'm still working on ideas. I know I struggle with deciding on the best ways to honor my boys still. I just feel like nothing will ever be good enough...still struggling with that...just as I struggled to pick their urns...to bring them home...it just became instinctual eventually. I hope that will happen again when it comes to all this.
Like the fact that when I'm stressed, nervous, or upset, I rub my necklace. The necklace I wear every day with the boys' ashes in it. I only take it off to shower. And if I don't remember it, I feel off all day. When I traveled not too long ago (flying), I was scared to take it...scared it could get confiscated or that I'd lose it. I felt SO lost my entire vacation...like I was constantly forgetting something. Almost as bad as feeling like I'd left my children at home...which I guess I had, in a way.
But probably the two biggest rituals in our house...Christmas ornaments. It was what I had wanted to do for my boys before they were born...they would each get a Christmas ornament each year so that when they grew up and left home, they would have a personal collection to take with them. So I haven't given up on that. I bought two beautiful ornaments for them for their first Christmas. I couldn't bring myself to buy the "baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, but I bought ones with their stats on them. And I've already bought beautiful ornaments with their names for this Christmas. Eventually I think they may need their own tree...and that's okay! Whatever it takes.
The other ritual is the boys' birthday. I plan on doing something special...releasing something special every year. This year we did the lanterns. Next year, hopefully we'll have a baby and can all do balloons. And maybe butterflies some year. I don't know. Just something fun each year. A ritual of celebrating their birthday and honoring them in some way. We spent a lot of time at home this year on their birthday, but I'd really like to start a ritual of going somewhere or doing something else special, too. Like hiking somewhere every year to release the balloons or butterflies or something. I don't know. Or family photos every September 3. I'm still working on ideas. I know I struggle with deciding on the best ways to honor my boys still. I just feel like nothing will ever be good enough...still struggling with that...just as I struggled to pick their urns...to bring them home...it just became instinctual eventually. I hope that will happen again when it comes to all this.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Day 5: Memories
With Andrew, the first time I got to hold him was also the last. I remember watching doctors and nurses trying so hard to keep him alive and I knew it was no use and all I could think was how badly I wanted to just hold my son. To make sure that he could feel my presence before his spirit left...so that he knew how much I loved him and how badly it was going to hurt when he was gone. The feeling when the nurse handed him to me for the first time...I have never felt more like a mother than in that moment. Holding my son, crying, and telling him over and over again how much I loved him. Somehow I think I needed that to get through the following weeks watching Samuel struggle and to be able to let him go, too. Maybe that's the best memory Andrew could have given me. Strength. I think Andrew gave me strength and a will to fight for his brother.
Holding Samuel for the first time was so different. He was warm, breathing. His heart was beating. And it felt refreshing. To hold a living baby. My baby. It was also why it was so important. To show me that there was hope. That maybe I would be bringing home a living, breathing baby. Unfortunately I was not that lucky, but this picture marked the first FAMILY picture of us with our little boy that we thought would be coming home with us. I am forever grateful to our nurse for taking it because it marks such a happy moment. And she knew how badly I needed to hold him, too. So that I could have hope that he would be okay. That he would make it. I loved ever moment stroking his sensitive, beautiful, soft skin. Feeling his heart beat and hands and feet move against my body as I had when I was pregnant. It was a pure miracle holding him. Knowing I made him and he was so perfect and tiny. If only holding him had been enough.
There are so many memories...but holding my babies are by far the best moments of my life.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Day 4: Legacy
Our March of Dimes team in May was proof of our ability to give back and our boys legacy. How many people showed up to support us and Kristy and Mark. That's Samuel's & Andrew's legacy. They will live on through the deeds we do.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Day 3: Myths
A year ago when I was participating in this project, I was only a few weeks out...I didn't know that getting to one year wouldn't make it easier. I had this idealistic thought that if I could just make it to one year. That if I could just have another baby. It would be easier. That's a lie. It's what we tell ourselves, I think, to get through the first year, but it's a lie. A year doesn't make it easier.
The same myths exist around infertility. That if you just get pregnant, it will get easier. The fear will go away because you've overcome that hurdle. Nope. I was scared my entire pregnancy. And now I will be doubly as scared during my next pregnancy until that baby is home...and even then, I'm sure I'll continue to be scared and worried about my baby every day of his or her life.
But the truth is...when I do finally bring that baby home, I know that it will be a new set of challenges. It won't be easier, it will just be different. You learn to accommodate your life to this new set of normals. A life where two of your children are in heaven and you continue dealing with the infertility stuff. A life where your living children learn that they have angel brothers, not two big brothers that are here to harass them. A new life. A different life. Not an easier life...but a different one.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 2: Identity
The picture above represents the two stuffed animals I purchased for my boys. Never could I have picked better animals to represent the completely different personalities of my boys even before I knew them.
Samuel, born first, my little monkey. Even before he was born, he was doing somersaults and kicking my bladder. Punching and kicking his brother. And after he was born, he would throw his arms and feet around. And he was feisty. A true fighter. Born at 1lb, 6oz and 12.5" long, he was a lot of little boy packed into a tiny little body. He looked just like his daddy, cow licks and all. Never could any little boy look more like my husband. There was no doubt in my mind they were related. I have memorized every feature of him over and over, hoping I will never forget a thing. His name...Samuel Earl. His daddy picked his first name a long time ago and it also happens to be Cam's great grandfathers name. His middle name a strong family name on both sides of our family.
There was never a calmer, more peaceful little boy than my Andrew. He definitely did not want to be born as early as he was. He fought his way out, but he was so calm. A true little lamb. Never too wiggly and so peaceful. I didn't get to know his personality nearly as we'll as Samuel, but he was truly a cute little boy. I like to think he looked much more like me than his daddy. But his eyes never opened. The only personality I learned was his personality while he was inside me. Born smaller than his brother at 1lb 2oz and 10.75", he definitely had a lot to make up. 4oz doesn't seem like a lot and really holding them I didn't notice the difference. What I did notice was the difference in how sick they were. Andrew was just so sick. I think that's a lot of the reason he was so calm. I would love to know if he would have ended up being my wild child eventually, but I will never know. His name didn't come as easily as his brother. Originally he was supposed to be Adam, but we changed our minds and brainstormed names for quite a few nights before coming up with Andrew. But now I know there was no better name for my little boy. His middle name, Thomas, also did not come as easily. We picked it just days before the boys were born. But it fits. His uncle has the same middle name and it is his grandfathers first name. The name just rolls off the tongue perfectly.
My boys, their names, their identities, are perfect to me and nothing and no one will ever replace them. Their names and remembering them bring tears to my eyes every time. Nothing is greater than your mommy's and daddy's love for you, Samuel and Andrew.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Capture Your Grief: Day 1:Sunrise
Today marks the beginning of Child and Infant Loss Awareness Month. CarlyMarie created the Capture Your Grief project to help remember our little ones in this month as well as help us brought our grief. Today's topic was Sunrise to mark the beginning of the project.
This morning was not really a great morning for a sunrise. It was extremely foggy. But I tried. I got out of bed for a few minutes at 7 this morning to snap this photo. I'm sick today. I don't think I've felt this crappy in a long, long time. But for once its physically not emotionally. Though the sun coming up every day is still a reminder to me that it's coming up on a world without my sons. A world where I am one day further from holding them in my arms. Another day away from missing them. Another day where I hold them in my heart not my arms.
But I have learned to live. To know how to cope in this new normal. That's not to say that every day is perfect, but I survive. I survive because I have hope that one day, the sun will rise on the day I get to hold my boys again. That they will have siblings that I can cuddle and love and raise into beautiful members of society. Someday the sun will rise on a happy day with my family reunited.
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