Scars

Today marks two months since Sammy passed away.  It seems like so long ago because it feels like this nightmare I should be waking up from.  But then it seems like it's gone by so quickly...like it all happened just yesterday.  I relive it all the time.

I have these scars.  There's the one that is visible.  A constant reminder of the fact that I had babies that I don't actually get to hold in my arms every night.  Somehow having that scar would be easier if it meant I was cuddling my boys every night.  The scar is a reminder that I will NEVER get a natural delivery.  I know everyone says it's overrated, but when it's been a dream for years, it's hard to not let that get to me.  To know that this scar is a reminder that I can never have that.  At this point, I would give anything to hold a beautiful, healthy baby, even if it meant not having that natural delivery.  But that natural delivery is just one more thing to mourn...one more thing that I missed out on and will never get.

Then there's the other scars.  The ones that no one can see.  The ones that take even longer to heal.  The ones that cause the nightmares...  I don't sleep well. I wake up tired.  All because I have nightmares.  It's why I can't go to bed until I'm exhausted...if I don't wait until then I dream.  And my dreams aren't the happy dreams.  They are the wake up in a sweat, look around and wonder where you are...wonder if it's all really happening type dreams.  I relive the night we lost Andrew.  I relive holding Sammy that last day.  I relive it all, over and over again.  And to top it off, I now have nightmares that I lose Cam, too.  That something bad happens to him or to someone else close to me.  I can't get a good night's sleep anymore.  And I don't know how to make it stop.

The lack of sleep leads to emotional and unbearable days.  I can't focus.  I can't concentrate.  I can't motivate myself to do anything productive.  I don't eat.  I'm never really hungry.  I have no clue how to fix any of that either.  I feel helpless.  I sought out counseling thinking that was the answer and it led me no where.  I don't know what else to do!  All I can think about is what I'm missing.  How much I miss my boys.  It's never ending.  Laying in bed this morning, I was just looking at the texture of the skin on my hands...pretty harmless, right?  Wrong.  It reminded me of the texture of Sammy's little legs and feet.  His arms and hands.  How he held our fingers.  And there it was, the nightmare all over again...I just want to feel like myself again.  I don't want these nightmares.  I want this crazy nightmare to be over with...to have never happened.

So I wear my scars...here...for you all to see...because I can't bear to hide them....it's hard enough to have them without hiding them, too...