A New Normal

I'm trying to figure out what this new normal looks like...

Normal for so long had been monitoring my periods and calling the fertility doctors every 35 days.  It had been medications, injections, ultrasounds, and blood work.  Then finally, when I got pregnant, it was a new normal of taking care of my body and the two babies I was carrying.  It was sticking to a very stringent gestational diabetes diet and monitoring everything I ate and drank and checking my blood sugar four times a day.

Then...when the boys were born...it was the NICU.  I had just gotten used to the NICU and was just getting into a routine of spending my days there.  I had just mastered understanding my son's care.  And then that normal got thrown for a major loop when we lost Sammy.

Now my new normal...figuring out how to live without my boys.  Trying to understand how to manage in a life that I had not planned for.  I had planned to enjoy Christmas being a new mom.  I had planned to avoid driving this winter at all costs because I would be cuddling two little boys in my nice warm home.  I had even gone so far as to plan for how we would spend our first summer with the boys...and had said I wanted to take them to Disney for their third birthday.  And now my world is upside down.

I have no idea how to live without them.  I had planned so much for them.  I had wanted to do crafts each holiday with them.  I wanted to have their little feet running around...helping me decorate our family Christmas tree.  I had even thought about which ornaments I wouldn't put on so that the tree was safe for our children.  And now...I don't know what I'm going to do.  I don't know how my life can go on without them.  I don't know how to cope in this new normal.  I still cry every day for them.  I still jump at every noise that reminds me of the NICU.  I still avoid the entire West wing of the hospital because I can't stand to go near where that nightmare happened.

I have gotten better about going shopping and going out...I feel a bit stronger when it comes to seeing people in public...I've learned that in public I can come up with an excuse not to chat...I can just keep moving if I want to.  But work...now work will be interesting.  I go back Wednesday.  I don't feel nearly ready enough.  I'm super anxious about it.  I can't focus at home on anything for more than maybe a half hour.  I have no clue how I'm going to get any work done.  I made the appointment with the psychiatrist, but I couldn't get in for a couple of weeks, so I've still got some time to get things dealt with.  Maybe then I can finally find someone who will listen to how difficult it is for me to adjust to this new normal...to adjust to be completely out of control when it comes to EVERYTHING in my life right now...