Home for Thanksgiving

Today has been so bittersweet...so many things going on right now...

First and foremost, we brought our boys home today.  I couldn't stand the idea of them being in the funeral home for Thanksgiving.  We just barely ordered their urns, but the funeral home is amazing.  They put them in pretty blue boxes with their names so that we could have them home until their urns come in.  Something just feels so good about them being home and close to me.  I needed that.  Somehow I just feel more complete...to not be separated from them.

I'm honestly having a much harder time now with the idea of burying them.  Now that I see how good it feels to be close to them, I wonder whether I will be able to bury them because I will be separate from them forever at that point.  To know I can just go to their room and see them there, talk to them...something about that feels so good.  I know that Cam and I had talked about burying them because it would bring an extent of closure, but I feel so much more at ease right now.  I think it will take me a long time to feel like burying them is the right thing to do....but then part of me feels like by doing that, they will be in an honored place and I can make a ritual of visiting them...of decorating their resting place...I don't know.  I'm romanticizing it in my head, I think.  :-/

I finally settled on their urns.  I think what was taking me so long was the idea that an urn was how I was going to bring them home.  That I wouldn't be bringing a baby home to cuddle and love, but instead boxes holding ashes of two little boys that never got to grow up.  I think I needed to get to a point where I had accepted that idea.  I still haven't accepted that they are gone...I don't know when that will happen, but it will be a much longer time before that happens, I think.  Only time will tell.

Finishing their room today was hard, too.  We finally had a window replaced in their room so that we don't have to worry about water damage.  We had gone and picked out the carpet while Sammy was still in the hospital and finally had that installed today.  I had never associated it as their room really because they never slept in it...but we did refer to it as the boys' room for the past few months, so it was difficult to think about the fact that it would never be their room.  I think that's why putting them in their for now felt good.  They came home to their completed room.  It's their space for now.  Once their urns are in, they will get a semi-permanent spot in the living room where we can spend them with them every single day while we cook, eat, and watch television.

The finished room

 The other thing we did was officially complete our adoption paperwork and mail it.  It feels good to have that done.  Like a step forward...to having our family.  It's scary and overwhelming, but I feel good about it.  We are on our way to giving a child a home and having a child to call our own.  I am anxious and excited all at once.  The bedroom being completed feels good...it feels like, any day we could be bringing a baby home to that room.  We decided to ONLY put the crib and baby supplies in the room.  The room will hold NOTHING else.  It will be nice to show our social worker when he/she comes for our home study that we have a completed bedroom for a child, with the crib set up and everything.  We set up the crib.  It seemed like the right thing to do.  And honestly, it felt good.  It felt good to prepare for a baby...even if it wasn't the boys.  To have that little semblance of what was going to be.  I don't know...it's hard to explain.  But it's there.  The room is all ready.

I just can't wait to be able to hold a healthy, squirmy baby.  I can't wait to be up all night and rocking my baby to sleep.  I wish it were Samuel and Andrew and am sad that it will never be them.  They were my babies.  My children.  I am their mommy.  But they are with me in a different way now.  I am okay because I have my two little angels making sure I am.  I love them and miss them every minute of every day.