I have had a hard time wrapping my head around how I'm feeling lately...more or less I've just all around had a bad week... Really, let's be realistic, I've had a bad two and a half months... BUT I thought I was doing okay...I thought I was getting through this and able to move forward. Then I find myself at a standstill...I don't know what to do...
Therapy isn't really going well. I was bad and cancelled my therapy appointment last Monday because my blood work was taking forever and I just didn't want to go... The therapist basically criticized the use of fertility treatments in my first session, saying that fertility treatments help women get pregnant who may not be in the best situation to be pregnant. Ummm, yeah, because I don't ovulate on my own doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to have biological children! And the my last session I mentioned that I was starting to look at adoption and she started to get really pushy about it. To top it off, I leave my sessions not feeling like I have any strategies for moving forward. Therefore, I'm looking for a new therapist... I still have extreme anxiety about going out in public...and I still have really bad insomnia...and I'm starting to have a lot of PTSD symptoms..
Like for instance, a few weeks ago we were watching The Walking Dead. Okay I'm not a huge zombie movie or tv show fan, but I told Cam I would watch it. I was doing okay watching it until the little boy was shot and he was really sick. And seeing the emotion on the "dad's" face got me. I couldn't watch it anymore. I also wrote a blog earlier about how I was watching one of my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy, and one of the main characters died. He was pulled off life support. I was crying uncontrollably. Any time I hear the sound of a stupid heart monitor or a non-stress test or anything it sets me off...I can't handle it. It brings me back to all the memories of the NICU...and my last memories of my sons...good, bad, and ugly.
Pregnant bellies, anyone's ultrasound pictures, anyone's pictures from the NICU, anything like that...it all brings back the memories. It all sets me off and over the edge. It all makes me want to cry. I don't know why I can't separate my experience from that of others, but all of it makes me think of my experience and it brings it all back...all the emotions.
I'm sick of these emotions...I don't want to miss them...I want them here so I don't have to miss them. I don't want to be planning a new future. I want the future I had planned and been planning for these boys. No other child can replace my boys. My life will always be missing them. I'm scared that I will always feel this way. Everyone can say that time makes it easier, but right now I don't feel like that's the case. It's been two and a half months since the boys were born and Andrew died...almost two months since Sammy died...it's not easier. Nothing about this is getting easier. If anything it's getting harder as I get further from them...further from the feeling of them in my belly...further from cuddling them and touching them...all I want is my boys back...every single day...
Be gentle with yourself and feel what you need to. It's only been 2 months since your whole world turned completely upside down. You have every right to still be upset and to have bad weeks. I'm glad you are looking for a new therapist, it doesn't sound like your old one was very supportive. Take it one day at a time, you are going to make it, I promise <3
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