Angry

I don't know that there's any better word...  They say that one of the steps of grief is anger.  I've been angry for two months.  I've been sad and I've been happy and I've been numb, but mostly I've been angry.

I'm angry that this all happened to US...to OUR boys...why US?  I'm angry because every day I wonder "what if?" and can't stop.  I'm angry that I didn't get more time with them.  I'm angry at EVERY person who can have children without even having to try.  I'm angry at EVERY person who abuses their bodies and STILL gets pregnant and STAYS pregnant.  I'm angry at my body for failing me.  For failing my boys. 

I'm angry at the doctors because I want them to tell me something different.  I want them to tell me that we can do this again and everything will be okay.  I want them to tell me I can try again tomorrow.  I want them to tell me that my body won't fail me again.  I know they can't, and I know that they are telling me what they know, but why can't they tell me more?  Why can't they tell me it will be okay and that I will never have to go through this again?  I just want to know that I won't have to go through this again...

I'm angry that adoption is SO EXPENSIVE.  I'm angry that we have to wait so long for a baby even if we do do adoption and don't want to sell our souls to do it.  I just want a family and I'm angry that it was so close and then so viciously torn away from me...

I'm angry.  I HATE being angry.  I hate wondering why.  I hate wishing every day that my life were different.  I want to go back two months ago and STAY in that moment.  Stay in the moment of loving my boys because loving them when they aren't here is far too painful.  I want to stop crying...I want to stop hurting...I want them back every minute of every single day.