A Thankful November

I posted awhile back that I was going to do thankfuls for PEOPLE in my life instead of things this month.  I did it every day!  I haven't posted it here and stayed up to date, but I will put them ALL here now...

Back to Work

I went back to work this week.  I think y'all know I've been anxious and worried about going back to work.  I don't feel interested in it anymore, and I was really worried about being able to focus and do my job.

Scars

Today marks two months since Sammy passed away.  It seems like so long ago because it feels like this nightmare I should be waking up from.  But then it seems like it's gone by so quickly...like it all happened just yesterday.  I relive it all the time.

A New Normal

I'm trying to figure out what this new normal looks like...

Happy Thanksgiving!

Just stopping in to wish all our readers a Happy Thanksgiving from our family to yours.

Home for Thanksgiving

Today has been so bittersweet...so many things going on right now...

World Prematurity Awareness Day

Today, November 17, is the second annual World Prematurity Awareness Day organized by the March of Dimes.  I can't believe that I am part of the statistics that this day presents...such as,
1. Every 30 seconds, a premature baby dies.
2. 75% of these deaths are preventable.

My loves

I was thinking today...

Bad week

I have had a hard time wrapping my head around how I'm feeling lately...more or less I've just all around had a bad week...  Really, let's be realistic, I've had a bad two and a half months... BUT I thought I was doing okay...I thought I was getting through this and able to move forward.  Then I find myself at a standstill...I don't know what to do...

Beginning the Adoption Journey

I've been doing a lot of research and calling a lot of agencies and facilitators lately.  All I can say is it's very overwhelming!!  The differences between the two, the number of places to choose from...whether to go local or national, the COST...it's all so overwhelming!!  And don't even get me started on "religious" requirements for some of the better reviewed agencies.  I'm not really sure what being a Christian has to do with being a good parent...I know great parents who aren't at all religious!  Ugh...

Two months

It's been two months...since the boys were born...and now since Andrew passed away...

I miss them every day.  I wish every day I could go back.  I've been hurting a lot today...so much....I can't even begin to describe...I've been in tears for hours...

I've been keeping pictures of Andrew sacred...pictures of his face and of my last time with him.  I decided today that it was time to share his beautiful face with the world.  Though I'm not ready to share all the NILMDS photos nor the ones of his face close up, I am ready to share this beautiful, intimate moment that I shared with my son...I want the world to remember him...to see his face and know how much he was loved.

Angry

I don't know that there's any better word...  They say that one of the steps of grief is anger.  I've been angry for two months.  I've been sad and I've been happy and I've been numb, but mostly I've been angry.

I'm angry that this all happened to US...to OUR boys...why US?  I'm angry because every day I wonder "what if?" and can't stop.  I'm angry that I didn't get more time with them.  I'm angry at EVERY person who can have children without even having to try.  I'm angry at EVERY person who abuses their bodies and STILL gets pregnant and STAYS pregnant.  I'm angry at my body for failing me.  For failing my boys. 

I'm angry at the doctors because I want them to tell me something different.  I want them to tell me that we can do this again and everything will be okay.  I want them to tell me I can try again tomorrow.  I want them to tell me that my body won't fail me again.  I know they can't, and I know that they are telling me what they know, but why can't they tell me more?  Why can't they tell me it will be okay and that I will never have to go through this again?  I just want to know that I won't have to go through this again...

I'm angry that adoption is SO EXPENSIVE.  I'm angry that we have to wait so long for a baby even if we do do adoption and don't want to sell our souls to do it.  I just want a family and I'm angry that it was so close and then so viciously torn away from me...

I'm angry.  I HATE being angry.  I hate wondering why.  I hate wishing every day that my life were different.  I want to go back two months ago and STAY in that moment.  Stay in the moment of loving my boys because loving them when they aren't here is far too painful.  I want to stop crying...I want to stop hurting...I want them back every minute of every single day.

Capture Your Grief Wrap-up

I've struggled with these last two tasks...

Day 30. Your Grief – Tell The World What do you want the world to know about this road you are travelling?  Do you just want your baby’s name to be spoken? Do you want others to know they are not alone? Whatever it is, write it down on a piece of paper and hold it up for the world to see! (We will be making a video clip of these images from this particular day!)
Day 31. Sunset To close this project and month I thought that we could all photograph the sunset from wherever we are in the world. If there is no sunset where you are, you can still take a photo of the early evening sky. You just need to be able to get to a window. Remember to caption what State/Country you are from and the time.

Thankful, Nov 2-4

I am still working on a couple more posts to get myself caught up with Capture Your Grief and Art Every Day, but since my thankful posts are done on FB, I thought I'd add them here since it's a simple copy and paste...

Nov 2: Today I am thankful for my beautiful friend Brynne - We've only known each other for a few weeks, but you've made a huge impact on my life that I will never, ever forget. You know just what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. You get me. People I've known for years don't even get me as well as you do. You've quickly become one of my best friends, and I would never have made it through the past two months without you. I look forward to many more YEARS of iMessage conversations, road and shopping trips, and just all around good times. ♥ ♥ ♥

Nov 3: I am thankful for my friend, Jamie - Thank you for being a part of my crazy life. For making me smile when I need it most. For just ranting about your day or week to cheer me up. Thank you for acting like a normal person when life doesn't seem so normal. I am lucky to have you as a friend and look forward to lots and lots of fun times just us girls and with our boys...talking bunkers and guns and such... :) :)

Nov 4: I am thankful for such a wonderful person in my life - Kari - You and I met a long time ago, but you've since become a great friend. You know more and understand more about everything happening in my life over the past few months than just about anyone. Thank you for lending a helping hand, being so supportive, and just being a great friend. I am so lucky to have had you come into my life. :)  

CYG: Days 28-29

The tasks I've missed for these days are:

Day 28. Memory Share one of your most significant memories on this journey of grief, it can be a positive or negative memory.

Day 29. Music This might be hard to capture in a photograph so break the rules (that we don’t have, hah!) and post a youtube clip of a piece of music that reminds your of your baby/ies/child/ren

Catching up...

I'm way behind on posts these days...I've been doing a lot of crochet and just relaxing around the house.  I've felt a little "off" lately.  It's hard to explain.  I don't cry much anymore...I think I still feel numb...or am back to feeling numb.  I can't quite pinpoint it.  I can't even describe it...except to say I'm "off."  I want to get stuff done around the house and have been trying, but after about 10 or 20 minutes of doing something, I'm done.  I have little spurts of energy and motivation and then I just don't want to do it anymore...