It's interesting to look over the past year, 2012. It's been a rough year, obviously, but it's been a good year, too. As much as I wish things were different, I look back and know that this is just how things were meant to be.
I don't regret a thing. I do wish things were different. I always will. I will never know why life is unfair and why my boys aren't here. But at the same time, I think that this is just the way things were meant to be. I can tell you, I don't feel this way every day. But today, I do. I feel as though my boys were only here for a short time for a reason.
I know in my heart that my boys were here to make me a better person. They were here to show me what life is. How valuable life is...how special a child is. They made me a mom. Even though I don't get to mother them, I am their mom. They showed me what unconditional love really feels like. No matter what anyone tells you, the love between a parent and a child is the only kind of unconditional love that exists as far as I'm concerned. And I've had that...I always will. Not a day will go by that I don't wish my boys here. But I know that I can love them even when they're not physically here. I will love them unconditionally.
My heart breaks to think of ringing in 2013 without cradling Sam and Andy in my arms. However, I know that life has bigger and better things in store for me and Cam in 2013. It has to. We have much to be thankful for. Our health, our home, our families. I could have died thanks to the HELLP syndrome, but I'm here. I'm alive. I hurt every day, but that's just a reminder of how alive I am and how much love I had for my sons. I will hurt forever missing them. That's okay. This is what my life was supposed to be.
Losing them does and will make me a better person, I promise you. It will never make sense and it will never seem fair, but it's what our life is meant to be. It has made us stronger. It has made me love my husband more. I appreciate him beyond words. He's my rock and my strength all in one loving, amazing man.
I'm looking forward to a better 2013. I'm hoping and wishing for good things to come our way. I'm dreading Mother's Day and Father's Day...and the boys' birthday and anniversaries. But I look forward to having our adoption plan move forward. To continuing to get healthy. To honoring my boys in many ways. I just want for a better life and to make my life better. I will find a way. Anyone who knows me knows I set my mind to something and I make it happen.
For 2013, I wish for hope.
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