I had pictured Christmas much differently. I had pictured not wanting to leave my house with two little bundles and having our families over for a breakfast that I had made because I had gotten up early with two screaming little boys. I had pictured our families showering my boys with gifts because they are, after all, the first grandbabies. I had planned to do pictures of the four of us in front of our tree, maybe even with the dog so that we'd have a cute Christmas card to share. I'd pictured all these things that got brushed away the moment the boys were born 16 weeks ago instead of last week.
Christmas also is the 25th. The 25th of September is the day we held and said goodbye to Sammy for the last time. One of the three days in September that I can't forget. And Christmas is on that anniversary. Three months. How is it possible that if things had gone differently, I may have been bringing Sammy home this week, but I'm not... It seems so strange that life can change SO quickly...
I was decorating the tree and realizing that as much as I LOVE to do it, I just wanted it to be over with. It was a reminder of how we've always done things, how life has always been. Life isn't how it's always been. I'm not the same person. Life is not the same for me. Nor will it ever be. My life got turned upside down 17 weeks ago and so far, it hasn't uprighted again yet. I can't just keep doing things the way I always have. I can't just keep going forward with this life when I don't feel like it's the right path for me anymore. I'm trying to find a new path, but I feel so stuck.
After doing our home study on Sunday, I can't help thinking that maybe next year we'll have a little one to share the holidays with. But I don't want to get my hopes up too high. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid that life will hand me another lemon to make lemonade and that I'll just keep making lemonade the rest of my life and never get to have something better. It's hard to stay positive this time of year. Everyone else is full of joy and happiness. And all I can think about is what I'm missing...and how much I'm missing it. How much it hurts.
I keep trying to stay hopeful and positive, but it's hard. When I've done that in the past, I just get let down. Every. Single. Time. There isn't one time yet that I have honestly and openly hoped for something and had it happen. Even our WEDDING day it rained and we had to find somewhere else to get married. That's good luck though, right? So far the only good luck it's brought is that Cam and I have an amazingly strong marriage that is surviving everything life has to throw at us, so I guess that's good luck, right? Now if only that good luck could extend into us being able to have a family.
Adoption is a way I had always kind of wanted to have a family, but with the possibility of biological children, it wasn't the automatic choice. I'm still excited about the adoption, don't get me wrong. But I'm overwhelmed by it...I'm afraid I won't be a good adoptive mom. What if I have a biological child, too? How can I make sure that neither of the two children feels affected by the different circumstances that brought them into our family? I'm terrified of messing up my kids. I know that's normal, I do...
This time of year is just hard...my Facebook newsfeed is full of parents surprising their kids and kids opening presents and baby's first Christmas pictures. Great for all of you. I'm glad you share because under normal circumstances I would enjoy seeing them. What bothers me more is the stupid ultrasound pictures. Really? For me, those were something special and private. My first pictures of my boys. Broadcasting them for all of Facebook to see? That's a little over the top. And in my opinion, broadcasting a pregnancy all over Facebook is insensitive. I know people are excited and they are allowed that, but you don't know who is suffering from infertility (or maybe you do and don't care) or a miscarriage, or a loss. By broadcasting your happy pregnancy all over, you don't know who you're hurting. I was extremely secretive about my fertility struggles for a long time, so don't assume that your friends would tell you....even your closest friends.
But enough of that...I've kind of gone off on a major tangent in this post today...I apologize!
Christmas this year was relaxed, laid back. It's the first Christmas Camden has had off in five years, so it was nice to just spend the day together. We watched movies and relaxed. I loved every minute of that time with my husband...especially on a day where I needed him to just be there for me.
Our tree is beautiful, despite my want to stop decorating it. I didn't put all the decorations on it (nor up around the house), but it's beautiful nonetheless. And the boys even got their own special ornaments and spot on the tree. I plan to get them their own ornaments every year (with their names on them). Eventually we'll probably have them have their own tree, but hey, it's okay. Future children will also get an ornament each year, so that when they leave the house, they will have a box full of ornaments for their first tree. :)
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