As I was sitting at the pharmacy waiting for my prescriptions the other day, I couldn't help by notice that the covers on all the magazines were about pregnant celebrities, most notably the UK Royal Family. Mamamia posted about this a couple of weeks ago and I truly related to her post, but with some events in my life right now I thought it probably worthwhile to post my own post about it.
I have many friends finding out they're expecting or having babies. I have struggled with pregnant women since I found out that I would need fertility treatments. I struggle with resentment. I am working on this emotion but when you struggle to get pregnant, hearing other people who just started trying or who have been together or married significantly less time than the time you've been or you've been trying, it is near impossible. I've been with my husband for 10 years this coming year and we've been married for five. We've been trying for almost 4 now. To hear someone who got married a year ago and has only known their spouse for two or three years is pregnant is one of THE most painful feelings in the world. If I had a say, that would have been my life. I don't have a say. My body, my life is not going as I had planned.
Don't get me wrong...if I had been pregnant at the beginning and lost my children then, I would not have been as well adjusted and strong to be able to deal with it. I think that things happen for a reason. I struggle so that I can share our journey here. We struggle because maybe adoption is how we were meant to become parents. I do think that way. BUT to tell me I'm not allowed to feel resentful or hurt by pregnancy announcements when it's ALL I wanted for years is unfair. It's unfair to me that people can accidentally get pregnant. People who can't afford their children. People who don't have the love to take care of their children. And I can't. We have the love, the resources, and the want and need to care for a child and we can't have one.
Even getting pregnant finally, we can't have one. We had two children torn from us when we'd finally achieved our dream. So to hear people complain about being pregnant...that hurts. It's all I've wanted and I had it, and my children were born too early. I WISH I could make it to 40 weeks...be fat and uncomfortable. ANYthing to give me a healthy baby. Of course there are no guarantees even then as I've now learned hearing about others' stories, but it would be a hell of a lot closer. Watching my children fight for their lives and not enough medicine in the world can save them...yeah, I'd take being fat and uncomfortable at 40 weeks pregnant any day.
I think it's important for our friends and family to understand...it's not that we're not happy for you. But when we've lost our children...when we've lost OUR dream...it's extremely difficult. We are happy for you. Great for you. But we have a lot of pain surrounding that happy because it's a reminder of what we DON'T have. What we want and CAN'T have. It reminds us of what we DID have and LOST. Don't assume that we're going to jump for joy when you tell us. We won't. We're smiling and holding back the tears because it's just one more person who is getting what we're only allowed to dream of.
We know that eventually we will be parents again...maybe we'll even be lucky enough to keep that baby...but until then, it's extremely painful. We're doing the best we can and we're smiling and nodding while holding back the tears and pain.
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